So…. it turns out that women are also jealous that my partner does so much, not just men who like to mansplain that my relationship is all wrong.
He does the grocery shopping, errands, cooks, handles the car and apartment stuff, does his own laundry, and also watches Little Bun twice a week at home as well as on Saturdays when I eff off for my own Mommy Time.
So what do YOU do?
I mean, he does it all, so WTF are you doing at home? Do you do anything!?
This is not the response I expected.
I was expecting more of:
Wow. That’s great! How can I get MINE to do more?
(They all complain about how little their partners do.)
I know what I do.. a LOT, just off the top of my head…
- All the cleaning – dishes, pots, pans, vacuuming, wiping down crap, bathrooms
- Anything related to Little Bun – preschool everything, laundry, organizing, cleaning him, making sure he has WHATEVER ready
- Educating Little Bun – I buy the apps, I worked with the alphabet and math with him, I found puzzles, etc
- Pickup & drop-off at preschool every day when he geos
- Anything to do with ordering anything online, then tracking the shipments, paying for it, organizing its return (if any)
- Anything to do with sending things such as packing and mailing things to his family
- Anything to do with family – like all the photos I take, print and organized in an album for his mother for instance
- All the nighttime stuff – if Little Bun wakes up at night and wants to go pee, or needs to be patted to sleep, or taking care of him in general as my partner is out doing all that other stuff including while he is cooking so that he can concentrate and not worry about Little Bun
- Buying or hunting down anything he needs or says he needs but can’t find
- Booking and buying all the tickets for any of our trips — I handle ALL of that stuff and he helps with the stuff I cannot decipher in Europe, or gives me the general outline and I execute the plan
And it sort of hurt my feelings, truth be told.
It’s like they think I don’t do anything and my partner does it all, but do they ALSO pay 50% of the bills like I do?
Every single bill?
Do they handle their own retirement funds?
Then I realized, it was just pure jealousy.
THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER…
They think to keep their partners / husbands, they have to DO IT ALL, look great, keep slim, not complain, grin and bear it, handle all the responsibilities for a child, bla bla bla…. but in actuality, they are putting all that pressure on themselves.
Not their partners.
They are the ones thinking they have to do it all and be Superwoman, and know what? The guys are not going to step up and say:
Hey, it looks like it is tough handling groceries with a screaming child, why don’t I take him/her and you do the groceries or vice versa?
They can just claim to be too dumb to handle any of that — “Oh she asked for ketchup and I came back with red tomato sauce, SILLY ME, I’m a MORON… Duh.. can’t do anything.“, or they just don’t say anything and let her keep digging her own grave trying to outdo herself and be this amazing wife, mother & woman.
I KNOW THIS because guys have heard what my partner does and say about 99% of the time:
Your partner is NEVER, EVER going to meet my wife.
If she finds out what he does … I’m in big #%*#&.
Why would anyone step up to do more work when someone else is already doing all of it? Seriously.
Of course, not all guys do this. Mine doesn’t.
I don’t plan on ever raising Little Bun like that so that he never learns how to cook or clean, but it is more common than we think that we STILL think women should bring home half the bacon, cook it, clean up afterwards AND watch the kids plus manage the household and family affairs.
WTF? Are we multi-limbed like Ganesh and able to do a billion things at once? DON’T THINK SO.
What makes me sad about the whole interaction today, was that instead of finding it inspirational that yes, men can certainly do some of the housework and not burn the house down, and be much better at cooking than women (hello professional chefs in the cooking world!!!), they found it disheartening and felt the need to attack me and ask what my contribution was to the household because in their words: “It doesn’t seem like you do anything“…
Obviously I couldn’t tell them I pay half of all the bills and save for my own retirement, including while I was pregnant and then on maternity leave of my own choosing (nope, my partner did NOT pay for me while I was with child and after having Little Bun).
I also couldn’t tell them that I make a ton of money (some might know, they’re also consultants), and pay half of everything.
My partner also does a lot of the physical stuff because he is better at it, and CAN, and I handle the emotional stuff with Little Bun at the moment. As he gets older, I will have to tackle more and more of that.
I already spend time just holding Little Bun, calming him down, reading to him, playing with him.. and that stuff, is WORK it just doesn’t sound like it, but it does impede getting other stuff done (like dishes).
Without me to buffer Little Bun and keep him occupied so that my partner can be a rockstar, it doesn’t work.