Do you ever wish you could see into the future and choose?

Sounds silly but of course you would like to know if you did X, and it would have outcome Y, you could compare it to if you did B and had outcome C …

I was thinking about this the other day, having been inundated with so many comments about how Little Bun NEEDS a sibling, that it started to irk me, and re-opened the wound of having to think about an Only or Two Kids as an option.

I just wish I knew if the second would be better or worse for our family as a whole. If I knew that the child would be less trouble and/or be helpful for the family dynamic, I’d go for it.

Little Bun STILL sleeps on me like this, and he is almost 5:

But it is such a crapshoot. What if they turn out terribly? What if they hate each other? What if the second or the first turns out to be a handful as an adult?

What if, worse, it brings more strain and stress onto our relationship and makes me even more tired, angrier, less able to devote time to either one properly… and it ends us?

Life can only tell, and I wish I knew.

I wish I knew if I gave up about a year of working to care for this second one, if it would all be worth it.

I wish I knew if I decided to have the baby now, or later, or not at all, what would my life be?

Some days, I think it would be nice to have a second.

Other days, like today, I think that only one is the max I can handle (just had a 2-hour meltdown).

The fact that I am unsure, and only one child doesn’t seem to be so definitive for me as “Complete”, I wonder if it means I should go for a second.

Who the eff knows.