Shopping Commentary: Luxury Style @ Net-a-Porter
This week on: Shopping Commentary! Some of you asked for this, so I made it a random ad hoc Sunday Feature.
I am looking at the Sale section today because I am certain I will not want to buy anything at retail. I hope I don’t find anything I actually want to buy, so here goes nothing..
To be specific, I am shopping the FINAL CLEARANCE section up to 80% off.
Let’s see what treasures lie here..
Well that didn’t take long. First page, and what do I see?
Oh my, where do I start?
“COUGAR JUICE, ON THE ROCKS PLEASE”
$1164 for this? 60% off? I wouldn’t buy this if it was in a thrift store for $3.
This looks like either a shiny plastic coating on a jacket, or it is MEANT to look like faux plastic coating with strategic white spots on there.
Either way, I am not sure this works at all. What were they thinking? It doesn’t even look chic.
Oh my goodness.. IT GOT WORSE. I clicked on a picture of the back and I see an actual cartoon-depicted cougar inviting people to “come on in” to her body.. I can’t even begin to tell you all the things I see wrong with this picture.
(But really, would a man ever wear a jacket saying — “come on in”? Aside from Red Foo I mean.)
This goes to show that just because you’re a brand name designer, it doesn’t mean you know a lick about how to design.
“NOT EVEN A MODEL CAN SELL THIS”
A “steal” at $328.50.. I think these will be a hard sell even at $5. It reminds me of the kinds of pants I used to think was cool when I was a pre-teen (or younger), but in bright pink and glitter sequins. I’m pretty sure I would have thought I was super cool if I were 3.
But at 35? No way.
And if you think it looks better on a model, you’d be dead wrong my friend.
This might be the first time in history a model looks terrible from the front… AND THE BACK.
No really. Who is going to buy these flamenco pants? WHO?
WHERE ARE WE WEARING THESE PANTS!? Someone, answer me, please.
Oh this dress is a stunner.
I am normally not a fan of ruffles, or even of the one shoulder (I only own one dress in it, and I must admit, I have gotten more looks & compliments on it than with regular 2-shoulder (?) dresses), but this dress is sleek, feminine, flirty… it hits all the right notes for me.
Look at how great it looks:
“HELLO? 90s? MY SKIRT IS CALLING”
I don’t know why but this skirt reminds me of the 90s. All that satin, all that shiny shiny stuff happening at proms… it just looks cheap and tacky.
I’m fairly sure I could go to Le Chateau and pick it up on a sale rack for $25 and no one would be able to tell the difference.
“ARE WE WEARING OUR UNDERWEAR OUTSIDE NOW?”
I feel like this was meant to be in the lingerie section…
I feel like this is a very 90s look. You know, slip dresses and silk camisoles as actual clothing?
No thank you. Hard pass. Doesn’t even look that cute, to be frank.
“AS MUCH AS THIS LOOKS LIKE PRISON PIRATE WEAR…”
It sort of works for me. Stripes, asymmetrical, buttons, a little leg.. I don’t know. I’d go for this if it were cheaper.
A little pirate-y to be honest. Maybe it would be less prison-piratey if the stripes were a light or dark blue.
“WHAT HAPPENED..TO..MY SWEATER?!”
No really. Where are the arms?….
“WHO DOESN’T WANT WOLF TAIL DOWN THEIR FRONT?”
I feel like my title says it all.
OF COURSE it is a “final sale non-returnable” item.
If they took it back, they would never ever find anyone blind enough to plonk down actual cash for this.
Just finding one person would be a miracle.
It’s like Gretel from Hansel & Gretel mixed with some Rapunzel, who got lost on the way to a rave and ended up in Harajuku in Japan.
(What is up with that weird blue patch on the arm..? Nurse in training?)
“THE MOST EXPENSIVE BATHROBE IN THE WORLD IS NOW A COAT”
“A NORMALLY FREE T-SHIRT IS ACTUALLY $400 NOW”
You know those free beer t-shirts you get? Well it’s $400 now if you want the designer name on it.
I feel like this brand is punking everyone and they’re all falling for it.
“Let’s see how much they’ll pay for a HUGE, OVERSIZED t-shirt…”
You could wear this shirt underneath their lumberjack bathrobe / coat ensemble above.
“CHIC WOOL TRACK PANTS..”
I think it might all be styling (great camel coat & heels) and marketing, but I am really loving this look for some reason. It looks … great!
Then again, a great coat makes everything look great, amirite?
It may be the only time I’d actually consider wearing athleisure.