In Discussions, Life

Do men just want plain yoghurts as wives?

This.. this.. article just.. stirred up all sorts of feelings and reactions in me that I cannot even begin to untangle.

It basically talks about how an unmarried woman (before the age of 30) in China can find a husband.

Coles Notes version of the article:

  • The ratio is 114 boys to 100 girls — and guys are picky because….!?!?!?!
  • Anyone past the age of 30 is too old  (omfg)
  • Women can’t be smart if they are beautiful
  • You can be smart, but only if you are not attractive
  • You can’t be smart and beautiful – you’d be a mistress
  • You have to pretend to be a Madonna for dates – buttoned up sweaters, demure laughs & smiles
  • No opinions allowed
  • You can be accomplished as long as you don’t outrank your future husband’s accomplishments
  • You have to be willing to ignore extramarital affairs after you’re married
  • You have to learn how to act like a petulant child to get what you want so that when you whine and wheedle your man into doing what you want, he feels more like a man when he gives in

The worst quote of the entire article? I read this and visibly flinched:

“We like our wives to be yogurts,” says a 35-year old Chinese investment banker. “Plain yogurts, so that we can flavour them as we’d like.”

YOGHURTS?

WOMEN ARE BEING COMPARED TO YOGHURTS?

I can’t even begin to….

So what these guys seem to want, are pretty, “low-maintenance”, women who will turn a blind eye to infidelities, and will just pop out babies, be a good stay-at-home wife, and let the man take care of everything, along with saying “yes” to anything he says without ever challenging him.

WHAT.

THE.

HELL.

This article just makes me even fiercer in my resolve to make sure that women understand that if they keep playing this game – pretending to be stupid on dates, making sure not to laugh or be too assertive, and to be some mouldable Barbie doll – they have to understand what they are giving up in exchange.

Liberty, independence, and freedom to be as you wish to be.

Not only that, the other point that struck me is how the women are expected to throw temper tantrums to get what they want.

I always wondered why I was witnessing some of these scenes of a woman stomping her foot like a child, giving a whiny sort of face and pretending to be a spoiled, petulant infant in front of their boyfriends.

I always thought to myself – goodness that doesn’t look attractive at all. If I were a guy, and I had my girlfriend throw this temper tantrum and pout and whine at me so that I give in, we would not be together for long.

…. but that is apparently an ACCEPTED, and DESIRED behaviour between the sexes so that men give in, and feel like a big generous man, and the woman is “taken care of”.

The f*ckery of this attitude being attractive is beyond my comprehension.

And they wonder why these woman are not going for such men…

I have plenty of friends who are marrying ANYONE but men in their culture, and I can see why.

I can also see the lashback they get from their parents and grandparents (and even random strangers giving them LOOKS on the street), when they walk around with someone not-of-their-colour-or-culture.

Why would you choose someone who wants to treat you like some yoghurt he can flavour?

(I still can’t get over that analogy.)

I also think it is sick for parents to expect and put so much pressure on their daughters to marry well. They already are well-established in their own right.

Why the heck would they need to marry well or be under such pressure if they can make their own money, provide for themselves and take care of their parents?

Sure, grandchildren are a blessing but you can have kids without a partner, no matter how weird or unconventional it seems.

Even men do this, no matter how rare just look at Cristiano Ronaldo who paid a surrogate to carry his son for him so that he could be a father. I think it is a wonderful thing to be a parent (single is damn hard though unless you’re filthy rich and can hire a fleet of hired help).

I just find it all so sad on all sides.

Guys expecting a “virginal, demure woman” (who are you kidding?), when they themselves do not need to or plan to play themselves out as being equally demure or modest.

Women being forced to downplay how incredible they are because they will not be able to catch a marriageable man as a result.

Parents who place all of their hopes on one child.

… these are all things that even I as a parent worry about, and it bothers me greatly when I see how differently women are being treated versus men as they age.

My son will likely face none of these issues, if any at all, but as a woman, and a young girl who was extremely fierce and independent from a young age (as my mother can attest to), I feel strongly about these kinds of matters.

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Sherry of Save. Spend. Splurge.

Am my own Sugar Daddy. Am a millionaire at 36 after getting out of $60K of student debt in 18 months, a little over a decade earlier, using TheBudgetingTool.com. I have worked 50% of my career (taking 1-2 year breaks), and quadrupled my income within 2 years of graduating, going from $65K to $260K with an average lifetime savings rate of 50%. I have 11 side incomes that are on track in 2020 to make me $50K - $75K. I could retire today if I wanted, but love my work-life balance as a freelancing consultant in STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Math). I am all about balance - between time and money, and also enjoying my money. I also post daily on Instagram @saverspender.

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8 Comments

  1. Jeffery

    There are 114 men for every 100 women in China, but many of that 114 are not marriage material for most women. The fundamental issue is female hypergamy.

    The competition for the top men are intense, which is why you get this kind of gender dynamics. There are enough women in society who are willing to put up with all sorts of humiliating expectations in order to date and marry the top men of society.

    If women are more willing to date and marry downwards in social economics status you would have a much more egalitarian marriage market. How many women realistically are willing to date and marry men in the 25th income percentile?

    Simply put, men are more willing to marry down than women. This is why men have more power in these relationships. The men in these relationships have the implicit option to leave and find someone better. The only currency the woman in this type of relationship have is that she is low maintenance (AKA, cheap).

    This is ultimately not about men vs women. Rather, it’s about how each gender tends to allocate their market value. Men tends to value power, so they are willing to accept a woman with lower market value than themselves in exchange for more power in the relationship. If a homeless guy married a supermodel, he is not going to have much power in the relationship, because she is way out of his league. Women tend to maximize the social value of their husband. If they get offered a deal to marry above their market value but accept less power in the relationship in exchange, many will take the deal.

    As long as there are enough women willing to make the hypergamy tradeoff, women across the social spectrum will always have little bargaining power relative to the top men in society. The real solution is for women to date and marry down more and make the same choices that men make, which is to trade social value for relationship power.

    Reply
    1. Sherry of Save. Spend. Splurge.

      You make excellent points. It is also the women who expect to marry up (or their families) and are looked down upon when they don’t. Or would rather stay alone.

      The other issue I saw was that they want to marry Chinese. Marrying interracial is also frowned upon, but for sure, they would find someone better if they opened the pool up.

      Reply
  2. Sarah

    Sounds like I’m a mistress!

    Reply
    1. Sherry of Save. Spend. Splurge.

      You me and both, sister.

      Reply
  3. raluca

    I hate this type of bullying towards women. That’s what it is: bullying and coercion, and it’s done by the ones that should have your back.
    I’ve had bad advice about marriage from my mother and plenty of it. I’ve also heard the “your husband must be smarter than you” and “you must marry before you finish university” plenty of time from her, so it kind of made me even more reluctant to hear her advice about anything else in my life. My standard response has always been: sorry, I’m too smart to be able find somebody smarter than me. It’s arrogant, but it’s a defense mechanism. It hurts to be diminished by your own mother. Surprisingly, not so much of this stupidity came from my father.
    I’m taking the long view though: sooner or later this will be gone from society, as we become more equal. Women only got the vote 80-90 years ago. They were only allowed bank accounts 40-50 years ago. We’re making progress.
    In the free and developed societies where women are strongly discriminated against, they tend to have less children. If you look at Japan, it’s 1.2-1.4 children per women, a long way off from the replacement needs of the society. It’s a subtle “revenge”, but that population is being almost cut in half in each generation.

    Reply
    1. Sherry of Save. Spend. Splurge.

      I wonder if a study has ever been done on that — discrimination against women versus birth rate.

      Although that may not hold true if you look at Middle Eastern countries or in Africa. Huge families… not so great on the birth control & equality for women.

      Reply
      1. raluca

        Yes, that’s why I mentioned that this happens in “free and developed societies”. Not in countries where birth control is either unavailable or very expensive or even illegal. As soon as women gain control over decisions over their bodies, they start voting with their ovaries.

        This kind of also works in Europe. In the south of Europe, the fertility is very low – 1.2 in Portugal, 1.3 in Greece, Spain, Italy. The north of Europe has fertility rates of around 1.9. France also has fertility of 1.9 I think.

        If you take a look at country ratings for gender equality, you will find out that in Europe, the most equal countries are the one where women have more kids. Because when you’re expected to have a job and raise those kids by yourself while their father does not participate in “women’s work”, you really, really don’t need four kids. One is plenty.

        Of course, there should actually be a study done about it, not just my extrapolations over statistics :). I just found Japan’s example and south of Europe very telling. Those are societies that tell women they should have kids (south of Europe is quite religious), yet women just don’t. Those are also societies that don’t exactly value women.

        Reply
        1. Sherry of Save. Spend. Splurge.

          *laugh* If only you could get funding to do this study. What an interesting view on things…

          Reply

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