The Modern Dating Scene a.k.a. Why I am happy I am not single
There are times when I am happy I am in a relationship and others when I think: Oh to be single and free again.
Note: I was a serial monogamist and cannot recall a single moment in my life where I was actively SINGLE by choice and I regret this decision. It would have been nice to have just been alone. Instead, I just went from one relationship to another.
Then.. I realized the other day that I am very, VERY happy to be in a committed, relatively hassle-free, normal relationship with someone whom I have been with for a long time and hope to be with for the rest of my life. Oh, and we have a great Baby Bun as a result.
Where is all of this coming from?
There is a colleague who is “single” and looking. I think.
He may even be engaging in a little ‘mate poaching’ (read Aziz Ansari’s hilarious and very interesting, factual book called Modern Romance), because he basically zeroed in on me the first day I arrived at work and had been trying to find ways to talk to me since then.
He has sort of backed off since I have been repeating ad nauseam about how wonderful my partner is, and how much I love my Baby Bun (all true), but it doesn’t stop him from inviting me out and hinting heavily that he’d pay for everything.
Then to top it off, he initially told me he was single, but then suddenly, after I gently deflect off his advances, he mentions his girlfriend is moving into a building next door.
I don’t care, let’s be clear, but which is it? Single or not? Or single and pretending to have someone … or worse, taken but still hunting?!?
Ugh. Let me just repeat:
I AM HAPPY TO BE TAKEN.
If singletons have to deal with this sort of nonsense and choose to engage in dating and actively searching for someone (although yes, you can be single and happy, and I fully support this), then I would opt out.
I would probably just try and stay single and go about my merry way, living happily and in a fulfilled manner with no ties to anyone.
You see, I am starting to sort of get why he was (is?) single.
Boiled down, he is an overgrown frat boy.
I do not know if this is a symptom of him being older and still not having found THE ONE, but he is basically a guy who has outgrown college but cannot seem to let go of the lifestyle.
You know, the dating & dumping girls left and right, splashing money, drinking every weekend, going to party and gamble without any responsibilities or cares in the world (none of which I thought he had, but if he has a girlfriend she may not be so keen on him going to Vegas on his own to ‘party with the boys’).
He still meets up and has friends who are into clubbing (all younger than him at this point, as the rest of his similarly aged friends are all married with kids), and the whole thing at the end is I don’t think he even knows he comes across like this to most girls.
Or at least, I am assuming.. I am part of the majority of women who would see this guy and think the same thing.
WHAT ARE SOME “OVERGROWN FRAT BOY” BEHAVIOURS?
“SHE IS SO HOT…AND SO IS SHE… OH MAN THE GIRLS…”
He talks about how hot all the women are that he meets — on vacation, his friends (who are married), or hitting on his friends’ kids’ friends who are in college.
He cannot have a conversation with me (maybe it’s just me), without having to mention SOME girl, or woman he knows, or happens to bring up, who is smoking hot.
Hey, all the power to these women (yes!!!), but I wonder if he is doing it to get a rise out of me (I don’t take the bait, I never do, I just stay rather amused at his confessions, which I am), and I also think he just…. likes a lot of women but can’t seem to settle down due to the abundance of choice.
“I could date HER. OR HER. Or her! Or if someone better comes along, her!”
Lots of FOMO* going on, I suspect. Too much choice. Always something better around the corner.
*FOMO = Fear of Missing Out
SEEMS TO HAVE ZERO CONCENTRATION
He never seems to calm down and concentrate on the conversation with you. I’m just a platonic friend (I hope that has been made clear to him), but he can’t seem to just focus on who he is with at the moment.
If he acts like this with potential dates, I can see why they get miffed.
BRAGGART TO THE NTH DEGREE
He keeps bragging about his accomplishments.
He keeps talking about how he makes so much as a freelancer (something REAL freelancers never say out loud or acknowledge in fear of inciting jealousy in anyone around them), and how he has so many properties (no idea how many right now), and seems to over-inflate his assets, hinting at how much money he has in the bank, bla bla bla.
Look, if he was filthy rich, he would be living in a penthouse or have a home in the most expensive area of town, and not be working. Period. He would be chilling out, drinking, with a supermodel on each arm, doing nothing at all and making bank.
I don’t think these guys with a new, hot girl every night are any happier than the ones who have someone who has found someone to settle down with, but that’s just my feeling.
Otherwise, if you’re sitting beside me in a cubicle, you’re all working towards retirement like the rest of us. Some are going to get there sooner than others, but we are ALL WORKING because we NEED THE MONEY.
SEEMS TO WANT YOUNG, HOT COLLEGE GIRLS
Trying to openly admit that you’re hitting on young college girls who are 20-somethings, and saying: “how can I ever get that!?“, not only objectifies women and turns them into trophy objects to win, but just makes you look like a perverted douchebag.
This is great for a sexual fantasy for some people but for someone to spend your life with?
Are you actively looking for a partner or just a good time? Don’t get the two confused, you’re just too old for that. And unless you’re rich, don’t even bother. Money seems to buy anything you want (although there are some people whom you can’t buy..)
Guys with good sense and a filter, may THINK that once in a while, but they would never say it. At least not in mixed company. Even if it’s a joke, it’s one in bad taste.
I’m trying to think of my partner saying that to a friend if he were single, or even if he was taken and joking, and it seems like an impossibility.
Also, looks are not everything. Someone with a great personality, who is smart/sensible, with a good work ethic and a generous heart will beat out someone with a pretty or handsome face for me, any day.
You can only admire looks for so long before they fade and what is left, is who they are at their core.
Pick a good core, forget about the outer shell because it fades and wrinkles hopefully after plenty of solid years together where you bring out the best (and sometimes the worst) in each other.
Or maybe that’s just me.
GOOD LUCK TO ALL YOU SINGLETONS
You will need it. I’m sorry. I just realized how hard it is for you out there if you are past college-age and working.
It is HARD to find someone. Like seriously HARD. Then it is hard to find a GOOD someone. My goodness.
But there are good people out there still waiting to be noticed and taken, but they might take a bit of time to find after you sift through the rocks to find the gold.
I however, am happy that I am settled. I have never been happier.
I really hope I never have to be thrown back into the pool willingly.
You colleague sounds a helluva lot like my flatmate – who drives me INSANE. I want to switch him out, but he’d out of town weeknights so I can almost manage his womanising, self absorbed BS the few days he’s home for the rent he pays. Almost – then I recall, there’s much more genuine FLATMATES out there, who wouldn’t be as inconsiderate. But yes, he says he’s “looking for a wife” but his actions really do NOT mimic that at all
This guy sounds like a winner, lol. Some of my girlfriends are single and looking and it sounds horrible out there. Especially with Tinder, or guys that say they want to hang out again but don’t contact you, or guys that text you daily but don’t want to actually spend time in person to get to know you.
Oh my god, it IS hard. Ridiculously difficult!!
I’m opting for the single and happy route–in my 9 years of being 100% single, I’ve gotten asked out on maybe ONE real date that whole time. I don’t want to waste any more of my energy on being super open to meeting guys, going out and meeting new people constantly, finally meet someone I like, and for it to just…not…work out, or to find out they have a girlfriend/wife/partner, them to say they like/love me but then change their mind the next week. Nope. Not worth the agony, constant effort, and the ensuing crushing sadness when things don’t work out, having to put myself back together, regain hope that the next time might be different, and start the cycle all over again.
Even my therapist told me to just forget about it. Meeting someone you are super compatible with who is interested romantically in you is something you can’t control, so there is no use longing and ruminating over it, she says. I’m doing everything right, so I just need to get over being sad about being single or lonely.
For the record, I think I am a catch–smart, loyal, kind, emotionally stable, funny, have hobbies and passions, am up for almost anything. I don’t think it is my looks or attitude–I’m 39 but get mistaken for a 25 year old on the regular. I’m slim and average height and smile at everyone (most of the time!). I shower and try to smell nice, haha. AND I am fiscally responsible. 😉 So, I’m pretty happy with myself all around. No idea why it hasn’t worked out for me. As recently as a few years ago, I thought it was something I was doing wrong or that something was wrong with me, but since I’m pretty happy with who I am, I don’t think that anymore. Plus, I constantly, broken-record-like, get told that it doesn’t make sense that I am single, so…I’ve come to the conclusion that it isn’t me that is the problem, but it just hasn’t worked out for me. There’s no reason to think it ever will or won’t, so I have to accept the possibility that singledom is for life. I am on my way to accepting this.
Those with good partners, enjoy yourselves!! 🙂 You are the lucky ones.
Oliver @ Appreneurinvestor.com
“Money seems to buy anything you want (although there are some people whom you can’t buy..)”
So true…but whether status is single or taken, being financially stable and responsible is still one of the keys to long-term happiness.