No matter what I do, I and we will be fine

I have been thinking lately about this — I worry a lot about a lot of things.

As a parent, I worry about Little Bun — is he going to be bullied? Is he learning too much for his age and therefore having me handicap him to be even more of a social, awkward outcast the way I was?

As a woman, I worry about things like my skin, my hair (am I losing hair? I feel like I am going bald), and how to make sure I am super vigilant on sunscreen to the point where I paste makeup onto my skin like crazy and then I also spray another makeup setting mist (like this SPF 30 one from Coola) before I head out into the sun around noon.

As a professional contractor, I wonder about how long my contract will be, if I will get extended, if I am benched, will I find something else soon enough to not burn through my money?

As a general money geek (of some flavour…), I wonder about if I am saving enough, if I will be able to stop spending on things I don’t REALLY need (the heart wants what the heart wants!!), or if I will end up eating beans out of a can when I am 60, or working without a choice until I am dead….

Through all of this , I sometimes need to step back, take a deep breath and say to myself:

YOU WILL BE FINE.

Then my emotional, right side of the brain goes: BUT .. BUT…!

And my other side of the brain, the left, rational part goes:

YOU WILL BE FINE!

It forces me to look at what I have accomplished and what the plan B would be if I don’t reach these arbitrary (oh, millionaire by 40 years old) sort of goals that I have at the back of my mind as ideas of what I think I could or should achieve.

The fact of the matter is, is that:

• Little Bun will turn out to be who he wants to be. Just because I was bullied doesn’t mean he will be, and I turned out FINE for someone who was so anti-social, awkward and shy during my younger years.
• My skin and hair will do what it is going to do naturally. I am not going to go for plastic surgery and am planning on aging naturally, so the best I can do is slather on the sunscreen and stay calm (maybe look into hair plugs for my head LOL)…
• I have amassed over half a million in net worth.
• My house is fully paid.
• My car is fully paid.
• I make a good salary and it is not a job that is going away soon – contracting work in my field is for my lifetime.
• I will obviously burn through savings when I am on the bench but that is ACCOUNTED FOR in the rate that I bill per hour, so that when I am on the bench I should NOT be worrying (tell THAT to my emotional side…)

All of that? Is stuff I have to sometimes repeat to myself, and say: Oh yeah. I’m not doing too badly, am I? Breathe in. Breathe out. You’re fine.

I look over at Little Bun playing and being his normal Little Bun self, wild and free, and I still get mistaken for being much younger especially if I don’t wear makeup and dress down (lol that’s my vanity talking), and I go and check my bank accounts, my investing accounts and I breathe a little deeper and slower.

Sometimes you need to pull yourself back from the edge and re-assess all of the GOOD that happens in your life, because you really are your own worst critic.

You tell yourself you’re being terribly irresponsible by buying YET ANOTHER pair of shoes, or a dress when you truly don’t need it.

You tell yourself that if you keep eating out like this, and getting monthly pedicures, you’re going to go into the poorhouse in no time.

Or that if you keep giving and giving all of you have of knowledge and love to your Little Bun, that he will be teased and bullied and go through those terrible, traumatic, painful years of growing up with kids who think you’re weird.

But at the end of the day, as a parent, as a woman and as a person, I am trying my best to be a good role model for him and to be the best that I can be.

Give yourself a break.

Do you do this to yourself as well?