Things you’ll never find in my closet
I admittedly love fashion but there are things I will never, EVER wear, no matter how much the fashion industry tries to convince me it is in-style this season. I just ignore them and go on until I see a fashion cycle I like.
Other things I won’t wear, are just out of personal preferences for various reasons.
SHORTS
No shorts of any kind. I hate them, I hate how they ride up if they are too short, or look very dowdy if they’re too long.
I don’t see the point of shorts over skirts. For me, a skirt is much more preferable to a pair of wedgie-inducing shorts.
Furthermore, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend of girls cutting their shorts so high that you can see their ass and in some cases, even their *ahem* lady bits.
This was extremely prevalent in Spain when I visited, although I have seen this “trend” happening in Canada for the summer as well.
Ladies listen up!
You may be getting catcalls, ogles, and otherwise feel like you’re the sexiest woman in the middle of a testosterone-filled city, but it is a vulgar, and not at all chic.
You may be getting compliments on your daring ability to show off dangling parts that you say “people would see in a bikini anyway”, but is it really that complimentary to be treated like a piece of meat?
Finally, do you really want a hobo or lecherous old man commenting when you saunter by with your ass cheeks hanging out? I thought not.
Anyway, shorts? Out.
RACER BACK TOPS
I don’t get the point of these tops for me, mostly because your bra straps end up showing and you have to either pin them together at the back to avoid this (a mess to take off your bra later if you aren’t flexible), or buy a new “racerback” bra just for these tops.
I also personally don’t like them because I have wide shoulders and racerback tops exaggerate my shoulders in comparison to the rest of my rather straight up-and-down body.
HALTER TOPS
Same problem as with racerback tops, they highlight just how wide my shoulders are, but more importantly, I find that many halter tops look funny on women if they aren’t worn correctly.
Either the straps are too long, too short, or they just make your shoulders and underarms look squished like sausages when they are really not!
STRAPLESS ANYTHING
I admit it looks cute, even on someone with my kind of quarterback (or swimmers!) shoulders, but if you aren’t ample in front, you’re yanking up the top of your dress every 5 seconds.
If you get something tight enough to stay up, it flattens your chest so much, you look like a pancake in front.
Plus, you need to get a new bra for this, and you’re never really quite sure the whole thing won’t slip down and end up accidentally attracting unwanted stares without meaning to.
This look is best reserved for women with unbelievable bodies like Kim Kardashian and Sofia Vergara (love her!).
HAREM PANTS
I hated them when they came into fashion and I hate them even now, when they’re not in fashion.
It just looks like a Vanilla Ice meets Hammer Pants MTV music video gone wrong.
NO ONE looks cute in this look.
I repeat, NO ONE CAN PULL THIS OFF.
Even hot, elegant, high-fashion models, look stupid in them.
I have seen otherwise beautiful girls wearing this look in Spain, and to absolutely no one in particular, I think: What a shame, she wore an adult pants-long saggy-assed diaper today.
I am not necessarily a fan of super skintight, ass-hugging pants but I am also not a fan of pants that make you look like you wrapped a circus tent around your ass and then decided to gather them at the ankle with an elastic.
CROPPED TOP ANYTHING
Even a girl with the hottest, most fit, 6-pack abs ever, will sit down and look like she has a belly roll.
I myself, have a rather slim build and body, but if you put me in a cropped top, and get me to sit down, it looks like I gained 5 pounds.
The worst is when you have a top that has cutouts AT THE SIDE, and when you go to sit down, the (NORMAL) fat you have on your body starts oozing out through the cuts, making you look like fashion sausage.
MIDI SKIRTS OR DRESSES
I do love all skirts and dresses, but mid-length or midi skirts or dresses that hit mid-calf, are just not my thing. It cuts me off at the worst part of my leg, and doesn’t make me look tall in the slightest.
The best skirt / dress lengths on women are just above the knee or at the knee, or at the ankle (or floor sweeping lengths). Anything in between is tricky.
I look at it and find it unflattering on pretty much 99% of the entire population of women who don’t have long, flamingo, 6′, sticks for legs, and unless you plan on wearing that midi skirt or dress with high heels, you just look short, squat, dumpy and frumpy.
The only ones who can work this look are older women from the WWII generation who live in Portugal and have never worn pants in their life. It just looks normal on them. Anything shorter or longer would look silly.
SPANDEX ANYTHING
Unless I am going to the beach, you can forget about seeing me in spandex anything. That look went out in the 80s.
BATWING TOPS
I think these tops look elegant on everyone but me.
Batwing tops just make my upper half look voluminous and big, while in contrast, my toothpick bottom looks twice as small.
Not a good look.
SUPER HIGH PLATFORM HEELS
Nothing looks less chic than a woman who clomps around or drags her feet in high heels because she can’t comfortably walk in them. It ruins the whole point of a sexy high heel.
My limit is 3″, but that’s pushing it. I prefer 2″, even if it doesn’t look as good as 3″, but I am far more confident at that height.
Even more ridiculous are women who wear platform heels that are so high, you wonder what the point is.
Do these women think it looks elegant to be on a 4″ platform, and then have an 8″ spiked heel at the back, tottering around like they’re hobbled?
I think it looks vulgar and a little too “Desperate Housewife”-ish for me. It’s far better to wear heels you can walk comfortably in, rather than looking like you have a stylish cement block that can double as a lethal weapon on your feet.
