Ask Sherry: Alternative Toppers, Freelancing, Whether I GAF, and Relationship Dealbreakers

You asked, and I am answering every Friday once I have enough questions!

You can ask any question using the form here.

note:

There was a question about “don’t be greedy” comments when negotiating, that needed a bigger post, so that is coming Monday.

Do you invest in Treasury Bonds?

I do not. I am “all in” the stock market, or in cash (very little, as a buffer), as they say. I do this because I am young with lots of time to make more money if need be, and save, and I am not concerned with the stock market going on a rollercoaster at this point.

What do you think is a good alternative to a cardigan? I feel like I look too much like I’m a pta mom with a cardigan, but a blazer is too much for my everyday life. What’s a good in between?

If you are asking just for a topper, there are lots of options. I’d question what cardigan style you are looking at. The ones that have no collar, and have buttons, look mumsy. You know, the kind the Royal Family wears. But there are lots of options out there for cardigans in nicer prints, thicker knits, with interesting oversized looks, etc.

Here’s an example of a nice cardigan, with a slightly more batwing look to the sleeves, looking far from PTA mom to me.

I do agree a blazer seems a bit much but again, only if it is in fabrics that are very formal. Have you looked at those softer blazers? Not the kind in wool or whatever else, but the kind in jersey knit, or a sweatshirt knit. They look chic but are in a softer, more casual fabric.

Otherwise, I like these Artizia Chevalier blazers that look blazer-esque but not formal. I own them in many… many.. colours.

I also like leather jackets, the thin cardigan kind that has fabric at the arms and the back, so it is super comfortable, and yet looks cool. They also have these in a drapier fabric, and in suede, or nice knits.

Hi Sherry, this isn’t a question, just wanted to tell you that the off-the shoulder Reiss dress that you bought in several colors has been knocked off by Banana Republic.

It’s called the “Off-the-Shoulder Sweater Dress.” (Chances are you’ve already noticed it online.) By the way, I really miss all your fashion content! I used to watch your YouTube videos and miss those too. Happy holidays, Rachel from New Jersey

I saw! I did try it on, but the knit from Banana Republic is about 50% thinner than the Lara one from Reiss which means it’s another kind of look completely, rather than the Reiss one. The BR one is slightly more casual, and less bulky (?), but the Reiss one is a thick ribbed knit. I prefer the look of a thick ribbed knit, but trust me, I am on the fence about the white one from BR as I love white and ivory. I am not.. NOT considering it. :-). I like the more casual vibe of it.

Re: the fashion content + YouTube disappearance. 🙁 It was not my intention or doing to disappear at all in this regard, but you know.. things suck and people can’t behave on the internet, which leads to a lot of toxic anxiety and stress that I don’t care to keep in my life nor need. Also, can you please contact me or find me on Instagram (my only social media outlet now) @saverspender and send a message letting me know you are this Rachel? Thanks!

When you take 1-2 yearly breaks from consulting, do you ever get asked why you weren’t working?

A lot of people who don’t do consulting do get asked why they have work gaps, I was wondering if it was the same for you, and what do you tell the hiring managers? Or is it different in the consulting industry?

No, I am a freelancer. Freelancers by definition, don’t work full years. If they do ask “what’s this gap here”, I tell them I took time off for a sabbatical (some cases, true, I traveled), or had a baby (again true), or that I wouldn’t work for less than what I was worth. If they still don’t want to hire me because of the “gap”, that’s their problem.

How much do you care about what other people think of you (appearance, behavior)?

I used to care a lot as a girl because I was conditioned to think about what others thought of me. I still care to an extent that I want to be seen as well-mannered, polite, and not at all a rude, selfish git in public, or even at home… but that doesn’t mean I am a doormat. I am not a marshmallow, I will stand up for myself, and that’s that.

Do you have regrets and how do you deal with regrets?

Everyone has regrets. I try my best to just acknowledge them, try to give myself grace and let it go. Easier said than done. I regret things, but the main thing to remember is — I can’t do anything about it now. I can only change the way I act going forward, my behaviours etc.

I will on occasion wake up in the middle of the night about something I said 10 years ago, but I can’t help it now. I try to remind myself that most people can’t even remember what you are saying. You may bring it up and get a blank look from them saying – I don’t even remember this. When was this?…. Or maybe when you bring it up, they say – Yeah that did really hurt my feelings, I’m glad you said you are sorry about it, it was bothering me for sure.

We keep and internalize so much of this, and yet, we are only punishing ourselves over and over again if we have done the best that you can, to let it go, to make amends, to not be this person any longer, then that’s the best you can do. At some point, you have to try and let it go.

So.. to summarize, two main points: (1) They probably don’t even remember this and (2) You can’t do anything about it now (assuming you did try to make amends already, to ease your soul).

In THIS OLDER ARTICLE ON YOUR BLOG,  You recommend having 4 email addresses: “private banking, personal, work and as a throwaway”

Do you still think this is a good idea even for people who don’t blog and are private citizens?

I said that as a minimum. I have far more email addresses than that, but those are my main, core emails. And yes, I still believe this.

Once someone gets your email address, they have access to try all sorts of sites with it to reset passwords, with perhaps the same password you have been using throughout your sites. I also, by the way, have different passwords for all of these email addresses and all the sites I sign up to. It is why when an asshat hacked my email address last year, he was trying that email address everywhere but I use different ones for almost everything in my life, to compartmentalize things.

If you at least have a different email address, you can limit the damage if it happens. You know when you do surveys or sign up for something, that they will inevitably spam you, or sell that address elsewhere. I wouldn’t want that to happen with just one email address I use for everything.

Hi! Are you still planning to buy land and build a house?

Will you post a glimpse into your home design and architecture? I’m sorry that the trolls made you change some topics on your blog. I enjoy reading it and I think you have a talent for blogging and many interesting insights.

Yes, and no. I don’t think I will be showing much about what we have done unless I am sure that it will not be able to be traced back to me necessarily. I am mulling this part over because I feel sad I can’t share this with those of you who care, but I am also going to be even more careful about my personal life than I was before.

Can you please contact me or find me on Instagram (my only social media outlet now) @saverspender and send a message letting me know you wrote this? Thanks! 🙂

Hi! In your opinion, what would be some good reasons to leave a partner when having children together? And what issues or faults could be overlooked?

Only you can answer this for yourself. Maybe leaving socks on the floor all the dang time is the straw that broke your camel’s back, but for someone else, like me, they’d just take the socks on the floor and trash them until they learn their lesson. I mean, really, to each their own.

I am half kidding by the way. Honestly, only you can know. If you are feeling like it is a fault that CANNOT be worked through, I am hesitant to ask if it is something you cannot accept… or is it that they are refusing to change? That is a red flag for me, this unwillingness to change or to better themselves for someone else.

As an example, we had an epic fight the other day. It was over schooling Little Bun. He had one view, I had another. Together, we were arguing a little too loudly (Little Bun was sobbing throughout this because he hates any kind of fighting, but he needs to see how healthy fights work, as a model), and in the end, I saw his point, and he saw mine. The problem we had, was neither was acknowledging each other’s feelings AND there was miscommunication. I also get very defensive as an instinctual thing, and that gets his hackles up because now I am angry at what he said. We both have things we need to work on.

The point is, at the end of it, I told him that he misunderstood what I intended, but I HEARD that he felt something from it, and I validated that his feelings were in fact, correct because.. he felt them. Who am I to gaslight him?

He then acknowledged that he also miscommunicated and misunderstood, and I HEARD that he was yelling at Little Bun and blaming him for no good reason but he needs to work on his tone / delivery because he did not think that was yelling, and that tone of voice triggers something in both of us (me and the baby), and my feelings were indeed validated and correct because I felt them in the moment.

If you and they, are not willing to work through these kinds of psuedo-therapy moments to understand that things can be said, intended a certain way, misconstrued to another, and that you both can in fact, be RIGHT at the same time for various reasons, and it is not a black and white – you are wrong and therefore I am right – then you might have a red flag there.

That would be the main thing that I would leave them for. Unwillingness to see my side, change, and work things out. If he continued let’s say in still doing the things that are fundamentally wrong to me, which in my case are things like not taking on a fair share of household work, being unfair with childcare, not seeing that I need him to balance the workload and I cannot be the only one with all this emotional baggage — then these are deal breakers.

Luckily, my partner is none of these things, and in this relationship, I am the one who theoretically, “leaves socks on the floor” (I don’t, but I am not OCD neat like he is, which sometimes drives him insane, but his OCD-ness drives ME insane at times).

Things like disrespect for me, my career, my wants/needs, unwillingness to work out issues that CAN be worked out if we both try, and so many other things that are FUNDAMENTALLY against who I am as a person, a woman, and his partner… then these are deal breakers. These can all manifest by way of constantly refusing to put socks in a laundry basket (example only, not my real life). If they are unwilling to do this one little change, because it does cause more work and bother the F out of you, then it MAY BE a symptom of a deeper issue of their lack of acknowledgement of you as a person to respect.

Ask yourself – would they do this at work? Would they do this if their boss saw them and asked them to do it? Then you have your answer.

Hi! How do you manage to obtain all your data about your glasses/lenses prescription when opticians are so adamant about not giving it to you?

I am annoyed be the huge markups that these people have. For example, a pair of frames which would cost 40 dollars tops is sold at 200 dollars. (?!) I understand that business need to make a profit, but 400 for a cheap piece of wire? Also, I find that the measurement that they are most reluctant to give is the PD. It’s like a very big secret. Do you have any strategies?

To be honest, I just called them and asked for it. It is my right to demand these prescriptions because I paid for the exam. I am not sure if there is any law per se regarding this, that they must provide it to you, but they are clearly trying to save their business by not providing you the info. You could also try asking for the prescription written down before you leave an eye exam, so that you have the details.

Also, I was thinking about telling you that your blog looks strange on my end, like the WordPress theme has disappeared and only the ‘bare bones’ remained.

Can I ask when you came to the blog? I was in the middle of fixing things, perhaps it was then. If not, can you try clearing your cache? If that does not work, can you please contact me or find me on Instagram (my only social media outlet now) @saverspender and send a message letting me know you wrote this? Thanks! 🙂

Still have a burning question?

You can ask any question using the form here and all of my previous Ask Sherry posts are here.