Why I am not getting married, even though I have a baby
So this is a big topic right now for my mother and apparently other people in the family, which is probably why it’s a big deal for my mom.
She’s trying not to freak out about it being Catholic and all, but she just finds it so.. abnormal and strange that while I was pregnant and even after I had Baby Bun I did not want to get married.
My mother (bless her heart) is trying her best to be that mother she promised she was 3 years ago when she was nagging me to just “HAVE A CHILD so that she could enjoy more grandchildren before she knocked off” (in her words, not mine).
Now that I am finally following her rather unorthodox advice given 3 years ago, she’s having second thoughts about having been so liberal.
Kind of makes me chuckle.
It’s not a sticking point in the sense that it’ll tear the family apart or cause major fights, they still want the grandchild more than a piece of signed paper, but it makes her anxious that the baby could be considered … a… *gasp*.. bastard.
I took her complaint seriously and went online to see if in fact, under Canadian laws, my baby would be considered ‘born out of wedlock and illegitimate’.
Turns out, I’m in a pretty progressive province (Ontario and then Quebec), because none of that applies.
A lot of Quebecois by the way, are not married. It is a 50/50 chance for me to find people who have actually had weddings, wear engagement rings and wedding bands, and insist on it.
Most people just don’t bother with it. Or they get married after having kids.
My partner is my common-law partner, who is akin to a husband (to me) without that $30,000 price tag of an average wedding and my baby is recognized in that union. Sure there are some drawbacks, like my not being able to claim half of his assets, but.. he can’t claim half of mine either.
I told my mom that and she breathed a little sigh of relief, but I know she would still like it if we nipped over to City Hall and signed a few papers.
…so why am I not doing this if I don’t think marriage is that big of a deal?
Mostly because I don’t see the point. The only benefit is that it would make my mother happy.
The downside is that I would now be under pressure to do any or all of the following:
1. NOT nip over to City Hall, sign a few papers and get away with it
2. Throw some sort of reception, preferably a wedding
3. Pay for it all and put a dent in our savings
#4 is what irks me the most, if you haven’t already guessed, with #2 and #3 coming in a fight for very close second and third (like I need more stress).
If neither of us really cares about this, and it’s really just my mom’s Catholic guilt trying to force us into doing all of the above, I don’t want to do it. Neither does BF.
If my parents (or his parents) offered to PAY US to do this (and cover the wedding as well as hiring a insomniac wedding planner), we might consider it.
…but ultimately, I’d probably just beg for the money to go towards the baby and our lives rather than some grand fete I didn’t want in the first place.
(Although I am kind of wistful that I don’t get to shop for a dress, and stuff my face with all of my favourite foods and so on…)
I really don’t think I’m being strange at all.
Plenty of people in Canada, the U.S. and Europe have children together these days without being married, and it’s not as frowned upon as it would be in the past.
The only thing that does bother me slightly is when my cousin tried to act all uppity and judgmental to make me feel bad because I was unmarried with a child but he did it by trying to go through my MOTHER.
Cousin: So Aunt M, how do you really feel about marriage? Seems a bit odd no, with a child on the way? It’s so .. er.. unusual and unorthodox.
My mom: …. Well she’s not married technically but she’s common-law, so it’s not like she’s a single mother.
..then my uncle starts in on how it is not tradition that I am NOT married with a child and started berating my parents for being far too liberal with their children (namely me) by not disowning me and forcing me to get married.
This is only on my side of course, his side couldn’t care less, they’re French.