In Discussions, Life, Money, Parenting

What my father learned growing up about money

As requested by Jane Savers in response to my own post about what I learned growing up without ever talking about money, I’ll talk briefly about what my dad learned about growing up with money.

It can basically be summed up in this sentence:

Be cheap as you possibly can, and screw over anyone in your path because you are #1 and the only one you can depend on.

My grandmother taught him that, believe it or not.

My grandfather died about 10 years before I was born, but he had a decent amount of savings which my grandmother then used for the next 30 years to live on, which included paying for the last 8 years of her life slightly deranged, living out her days being cared for full-time in a nunnery.

When I was growing up, I didn’t know anything about my grandmother’s financial attitudes or spending habits. It just wasn’t discussed.

I didn’t know anything about the way she thought or acted, beyond that she was my grandmother and I loved her.

That was all that I knew while she was alive, so if you read on and think I’m criticizing or demeaning my grandmother, I am simply stating actual facts and then my own personal observations of what happened in hindsight of these events.

From what I gather, here are some snippets and insights into her personality (it will help you understand the environment in which my father grew up in).

Beijing-China-Photoraph-Homes-Rich-Neighbourhood

THE FAMILY DYNAMIC

My grandmother adored my father.


She doted on him because he was the only son in the family, and as a result, I suspect my aunt (his older sister) is rather sore and bitter over the whole matter.

(Hey I would be too! I don’t blame her.)

My grandmother would do things like fetch my father’s slippers for him when he came home from work, cook 3-course meals every night, bring the paper for him, buy little treats.. all up until the time he moved out of the home with my mother, his new wife.

We call this in French, un enfant roi or a “Child King”, and in other cultures also they call these children “Little Emperors”, to which he absolutely was.

I am fairly sure she even lamented for many years of not being able to bear a son, in front of her daughter to boot, so when my father was born, it was like the gods had smiled upon them, and she treated him like a miniature god.

My aunt is a stoic woman with a stiff upper lip however, and would never let these true feelings out to taint any kind of relationship with anyone, but it is very clear that we are separate families, and not one big cohesive one.

Since my father was much younger (a late baby), my aunt was forced to work early as a maid cleaning houses, and it wasn’t until she married my uncle and went through what I think was a pretty hellish life dealing with someone so controlling, that she now has a good life with him because they’re filthy rich.

My grandmother adored my uncle because he was ruthless and cheap like her.

Like decamillionaire rich with 6 houses all fully rented out, bringing in $150,000 a year in income which is more than what they need to live.

..and yet, he is still the guy that will go to a restaurant and take all of the complimentary wet naps given to people at the table into his pocket because it costs money, and if he can save even $1, it is still $1.

He also doesn’t eat expensive food, and feels sick at the idea of paying more than $5 for a meal. I don’t really call that kind of lifestyle rich, but to each his own.

She does not share this money with my father nor does she rub it in his face (my uncle does, however and I suspect it is a sore point), and basically has a good life now because she is no longer a maid and does what she wants.

So now that you have that kind of sibling dynamic in mind, back to my grandmother.

MY GRANDMOTHER’S MINDSET TOWARDS MONEY

Before she was shipped off to long-term care in a nunnery, she had a lot of her money stacked away in plastic bags underneath her bed, and a lot of it “invested” in gold pieces like jewellery.

ultima-online-gold-pile-cash-bank

SHE WAS A PROFITEER TO THE MAX

In old traditional culture, you have to “buy” the bride from her mother, and how much you pay determines how much you think your bride is worth to bring into your family as an asset.

The standard price at the time was $1000 (this is really just a token gesture), but my grandmother offered $250, and my maternal grandmother who was not used to any of this, took the money, not knowing she was supposed to negotiate for her daughter to set a higher price for letting her leave the nest.

As a result, my mother humiliated and ashamed for the first year of her new life because everyone knew that she wasn’t even worth $1000, and that her future mother-in-law considered her to be unworthy of joining the family, as she only paid a quarter of the price of a worthy bride.

This of course sounds antiquated, silly and totally ridiculous TODAY, but back then it was kind of a big deal.

My grandmother also didn’t think my mother was worthy because she brought no assets with her (she was a poor village girl), and would have paid $0, but paid $250 to save a little face. For the rest of my mother’s life, my grandmother treated her like a house elf, and my mother, being the filial daughter-in-law, took all of that without saying a peep, even long after she died.


canada-bill-money-1000-cash

Anyway, when my parents were engaged, they live at my grandparents’ for free to save up all of their money for a down payment on a home to eventually move out, which is the custom in our culture.

When they got married, my grandmother paid for the entire wedding including the honeymoon (they were not given a lavish one, but a short one nonetheless), but took the cash gifts given by friends & family into her coffers.

Yep.

You read that right.

To rub salt into the wound, she later crowed to my mother rather unkindly afterwards about how much money she “made” off their wedding as a profit even after paying for everything.

She didn’t give a single dime to my parents to help with starting their new lives (as would be the custom), and took all the profits she made off their wedding for herself in payment for letting them live in her house for free all of this time.

Eventually my parents gathered enough money and moved out into a rented apartment alone, and later, bought a bungalow.

My grandmother was someone who saw herself as #1, and although she adored my father, she didn’t let that get in the way of giving him anything because…. she’s #1.

She ended up dying and leaving zero at the end of her life to anyone save for a few pieces of of jewellery.

Or at least, that’s what we were told.

My aunt was the one who handled the estate, and who knows what she or her husband did with the money (if there was any left).

(My uncle is also a rather profiteering, cheap sort.. which is why my grandmother approved of her daughter’s match so heartily.)

SHE WAS CHEAP AND STINGY

I can’t even say frugal because she was just cheap. And stingy, and a bit of the profiteering sort as evidenced above.

Shanghai-China-Photograph-Street-Market-Vegetables-Ground

She would go to the market and buy vegetables, but then beg for ‘just a bit of extra’ parsley or rosemary because she didn’t want to buy the entire bunch, she just needed a bit of it as a garnish.

Some market sellers gave in, but they all pretty much tried to avoid her and her “negotiations”.

When she made food, she would cook it, and then tell everyone at the table exactly how much it cost, how much they EACH ATE, and basically rub the amount into their faces.

My mother took it all quietly because she’s a passive sort, but she looks back on that experience of dinnertime with my grandparents and shakes her head at what transpired each night.

If you touched anything in the house, she would remind you of how much it cost.

If you used anything in the house, she would remind you of how much it cost.

She never, ever, let you forget how much anything cost, and as a result, my father grew up being cheap and stingy, himself, even towards his own family.

Beijing-China-Photograph-Neighbourhood-Alleyway-Behind

My mother, is the total opposite and is a little too generous for her own good because she grew up in a small little village, barefoot with barely anything to eat for the first 18 years of her life.

She went into the other extreme as a result, and tends to spend and give away her money very freely to others to the detriment of her own financial stability and well-being.

I have to sometimes step in and try to gently rein her in (ironic, considering my own spending habits right?).

Anyway, with such a mother, he basically grew up being cheap, stingy, never wanting to spend money on anything including basic necessities (a warm coat, a pair of warm boots), unless it was for him.

But an expensive $2000 camera for himself? No problem.

He can spend on that, from money he has squirreled away from being cheap and not wanting to spend any money on good groceries or food even though he gets a generous food allowance from my mother to go and do exactly that.

(But he’ll try and get you to buy it for him first.)

Coupled with his lazy personality, while always looking for a way to profit without working, he fell into the poor mindset of buying lottery tickets or gambling at casinos as a way to “win big” and relax once his fortunes rolled in.

A quick buck without work is what he wants and the first lottery he won basically screwed up his rational logic for the rest of his life because now he KNOWS it is possible to win, so he keeps trying to the tune of $500 a month.

..and that’s how my father was raised to look at money.

It is no surprise to me at all that he turned out the way he did, but I don’t believe that your environment determines who you become for the rest of your life.

Photograph-Travel-Paris-France-Europe-View-Top-Shopping-Alley-Streets

I didn’t necessarily grow up in a perfect family environment either, but you can always choose to change yourself and your habits if you want to.

This goes for everything — getting out of debt, losing weight, getting a degree.. it really is just a question of your personality coupled with your work ethic and whether or not you have the grit to try and fight for your dreams to come true.


Share Tweet Pin It +1

Sherry of Save. Spend. Splurge.

I got out of $60,000 of debt in 18 months using TheBudgetingTool.com. Since then, I have worked 50% of my career (taking 1-2 year breaks), and quadrupled my income within 2 years of graduating, going from $65K to $260K (savings rate = 85%). I could retire today if I wanted, but love my work-life balance as a freelancing consultant in STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Math). I also post daily on Instagram @saverspender.

You may also like

Previous PostIn the world of Save. Spend. Splurge.
Next PostWealth Inequality and Distribution in the USA

19 Comments

  1. Ksenija

    What you describe sounds EXACTLY like the Dutch mentality. That’s why they are mostly filthy rich but when you see them you would think they’re no more than beggars. They would be the happiest if it would somehow become possible not to eat at all because it is a total waste of money that could be better spent on iMac or new car.

    Reply
    1. save. spend. splurge.

      @Ksenija: Perhaps he has some secret Dutch blood in him, which passed down to my brother.

      I’d love to hear more about this Dutch mentality…!!

      Reply
  2. Ryan @ Impersonal Finance

    Thanks for sharing. It can be sad, but recognizing these things is how we grow as humans, I suppose.

    Reply
    1. save. spend. splurge.

      @Ryan @ Impersonal Finance: It’s in the past. You can’t change anything of what happened to you in the past but you can change your future.

      Reply
  3. L
    Lila

    This story is so sad. Why was your grandma so hardened? Why was she that way? Did she have a miserable childhood? Was she abused? Did people use her in life? Why was she that way? Your mom sounds like a nice lady. You sound like a good daughter and I’m happy to hear that you are sweet to your mom. ^_^

    Reply
    1. save. spend. splurge.

      @Lila: My grandmother was a hard woman because she did have a hard life in the sense that her husband (my grandfather) was not a nice man.

      In that respect, I can see why she was the way she was… but it is just her personality. She was just like that.

      My mom is very VERY nice. A little too nice.

      Reply
      1. L
        Lila

        @save. spend. splurge.:

        Oh I see. Wow it’s so sad that she was mistreated by her husband, this whole story is so sad.

        Maybe she would have been kind if she had been treated well. We’ll never know but it’s sad that she was hardened by life and mistreated others and was rude to your mother. My heart truly goes out to your mother. It’s unfortunate.

        We can’t always control what happens to us, but once we’re out of those situations, we shouldn’t pass the misery, if we make life worse for others then how are we any better than the people who made us miserable?

        I’ve gone through my own share of being mistreated by others. I don’t think anyone escapes this life unhurt. 🙁

        Reply
        1. save. spend. splurge.

          My mother doesn’t hold a grudge against anyone, ever. 🙂 She’s a little too kind in that way, but it’s one of her best qualities as well.

          Reply
          1. L
            Lila

            @save. spend. splurge.:

            Awww she sounds like such a good lady, good for her for not holding grudges! I can see why you turned out so well. 😀

  4. Tracy

    I guess this explains why you purchase gifts for your mom every month but not your dad. I completely support this decision, btw.

    Reply
    1. save. spend. splurge.

      @Tracy: Makes sense right?

      I always buy what I can for my mother.

      She refuses to spend on herself for basic things and it drives me mad sometimes because she’ll spend $600 on a fountain for the house but not on a coat to wear in the snow.

      Reply
  5. E
    Emily @ Urban Departures

    Interesting read. I am a big believer that the way we were raised impacts our view on money and how we approach our finances, but I agree, it doesn’t define us. One of the first steps of changing our preconceived notions of money is realize we have notions and what they may be. Perhaps your father isn’t as self aware are you are (and much more ignorant) and therefore has not done actively changed the way he handles money?

    My mother was in a similar boat as yours. I don’t know what my mother had against my mum but she treated my mum poorly; I grew up watching my mum be the perfect filial daughter-in-law and bending over backwards to please and gain my grandmother’s approval with like success. My lack of understanding and support for filial piety stems from my mum’s relationship with my grandma (but that’s another story)

    Reply
    1. save. spend. splurge.

      @Emily @ Urban Departures: My father knows he’s cheap. It’s in his blood to not want to spend any money on anyone but himself.

      He regularly buys himself $2000 toys (cameras for instance), but doesn’t want to spend money on let’s say good food like good yoghurt for my mom (Liberte), and buys the cheapest possible in the store. Same goes for meat, fish, etc. If it costs “too much money” in his mind, especially for food that disappears, he won’t spend the money.

      But something like a camera? Yes. He can see the value in that for himself.

      He knows his flaws he just doesn’t want to change. He feels too old to do anything different and if you suggest something, he thinks you’re attacking him.

      One of my siblings is exactly like this, but he inherited the kinder nature of my mother to temper it.

      I too do not believe in filial piety or support mostly because of the way my parents have treated us. I am not saying I’ll turn them out onto the streets but I will not give in to their demands for a luxurious life they have not earned.

      I did a post on this actually — Filial Piety 101.

      Reply
  6. Alicia @ Financial Diffraction

    Interesting family and financial dynamics. I definitely agree that I feel for your mother, but not so much for your father.

    Reply
    1. save. spend. splurge.

      @Alicia @ Financial Diffraction: I think it helps when people read this post to understand what the dynamic is in my house, and why I seem to treat my mother much better than my father.

      Reply
  7. jane savers @ solving the money puzzle

    That is so messed up. I actually have a bit of sympathy for your mom now but still none for your dad.

    Reply
    1. save. spend. splurge.

      @jane savers @ solving the money puzzle: Which is exactly my position. I feel for my mom, and I know what she has gone through which is why I try to help.

      My father just unfortunately was born with a silver spoon and a lazy personality, which is a bad combination for the kind of environment he grew up in.

      Very entitled.

      Reply
  8. Michelle

    Interesting post! I was thinking about how my mom always asks me how much something is when I buy it… and then I read your post. lol.

    I was reading something and it seems like your grandmother was living in a life full of “lack” rather than abundance. People may think that she’s selfish, but I guess it’s just a way of survival (not the best way I think). The lack comes from fear I believe…

    Reply
    1. save. spend. splurge.

      @Michelle: Good point I never thought about it that way.

      For my grandmother however, she did have enough money. I mean while my grandfather was not a millionaire he wasn’t poor either.

      It’s a question of personality as well.

      Reply

Leave a Reply