Save. Spend. Splurge.

If you’re a stay at home parent, read this. You need to be an Equalist.

You’re not a house elf – get paid for your labour

I am putting this in the most polite way possible, but you are entitled to some of that money earned outside of the home.

You are doing unpaid labour INSIDE the home, 100%, you are entitled to the money OUTSIDE of the home, because without you, they would not get as far ahead as they have.

How would they eat? How does the house stay clean?

Children cared for?

What if something happens?

Think about your own well-being and your children’s. If something happens – ANYTHING, and you need to leave because things get out of control, HOW ARE YOU GOING TO LEAVE?

You have no money saved, no income, your name is not on ANY bank account, credit card, NOTHING.

This should scare the living daylights out of you.

You should think – what would I do if I had to take the children and run?

EVEN IF THIS IS NOT THE CASE, and you are in a perfect, loving relationship forever (I HOPE SO), everyone should have a plan B.

There are too many horror stories out there for you to ignore this and brush it off, and you shouldn’t.

Excuse me for the $100 I took, I’m going to get a job and pay you back

Even if you have been blind for the entire time, devoted to your doting husband (things could actually be really great, except for this one thing, I am not judging on anything else), I would have taken this fight, this angry, stupid fight, and said –

Fine. I’m getting a job so I can make my own money so I can do what I want.

Oh the children need to be cared for? I guess we’ll have to figure it out / pay daycare.

Oh you don’t want to pay for daycare it is too expensive and we can’t afford it?

Wonderful, I am entitled to the amount we could pay for daycare for the child, something like $500 a month because I am replacing that role.



Listen, I know I am feisty and it is easy to say this for me as an individual but I strongly, STRONGLY believe that all stay at home parents SHOULD have a portion of the money earned outside of the home.

Everyone, deserves money of their own, needs bank accounts and credit cards in their name only, and to be an EQUAL partner in deciding on the budget.

I hate it when someone says: Oh but who makes all the money? I can spend it any way I want! .. and uses it as a weapon in fights. That is a low down, nasty blow because you know deep down you are being a jackass when you say it.

If someone is at home, not working, they are sacrificing their career potential and giving up their time/day to allow you, outside worker, to bring home all of this money – this money you are NOT fully entitled to, because they can’t or are asked not to work to stay at home instead.

If you truly care about this topic and want facts –

“Globally, 75% of unpaid work is done by women who spend between three and six hours per day on it compared to the men’s average of thirty minutes to two hours.

This imbalance starts early (girls as young as five do significantly more household chores than their brothers) and increases as they get older.”

(Book source: Invisible Women)

Three hours is the minimum for women, and thirty minutes for men. THIRTY MINUTES.

DO NOT give me crap about this – if you give yourself a $500 fun budget, they get one too. EQUALLY.

Everything else, goes to the family expenses – mortgage, cars, whatever.

I know it sounds like I am pro-working (I am, I am a huge fan of women working outside of the home, even if it barely covers expenses and then some, because I strongly believe that working outside of the home builds self-confidence, esteem and a sense of independence), but I am also an Equalist.

What’s an equalist?

This word doesn’t even exist, everything is trying to spellcheck me to make it another word, but it is because “feminist” or “feminism” gets such a bad rap these days from stereotypical “oh but women think they’re better than men!” BS, that I have decided to make up my own word.

I just want something gender-netural (feminist, has origins of “fem” which makes you think of feminine, etc.. and that doesn’t help because it confuses everyone even though I know, that you know, what I mean is fair treatment to and for all.)


noun. Someone who believes in equal treatment of an individual person, regardless of ethnicity, gender, etc.

You heard it here first.

I am an Equalist.

You need to be an EQUALIST.

You need to decide what is EQUAL and FAIR treatment of individuals in any situation.

If that is too difficult, just put yourself in their shoes.

If you are in a relationship, and you wonder if something is fair, switch positions with them, and think – how would I like to be treated if I was in the other position?

Would I want ___ or ____?

Or if you see that in the home, you are doing 100% of the work PLUS working full-time, time to poke your partner and ask them to step up and take over 50% of the household work, or start paying you for it because it is unfair.


  • Catherine T

    What I don’t understand is how women/stay-at-home parent can be complacent after they realize how much risk they are putting themselves and their families in by not having this conversation and a plan in place. ESPECIALLY if the relationship is mutually respectful.

    Where is the harm in asking these tough questions, and creating a plan so that their family is in a better place, if god forbid, something terrible happens. It doesn’t mean that the spouse is not faithful, it doesn’t mean that the stay-at-home parent is “paid by the diaper change” – that completely misses the point. Good people get sick, good people get into accidents – anything can happen to anyone. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person if you want to have certainty and control over your own future.

    /steps off my soap box

  • Lynne

    First of all, let me say that I agree with all you have said. The only thing that I would add, is that if this guy’s post is real, I would be afraid for this woman. Someone who is that controlling about money, is probably the same about other things. Does he control who her friends are? Who she talks to, where she goes, what she does? If his post is indeed factual, he sounds like he could flip from being extremely controlling to outright dangerous to her.

    • Gail


    • Sherry of Save. Spend. Splurge.

      It was real. It was a guy posting a question on Facebook asking about what he should do. It’s sad, but this is actually something that goes on quite frequently and is rarely talked about. Financial abuse is something that happens in varying degrees.. and he does sound dangerous.

      I am sure he is controlling in other ways, not just money. I can only hope that someone in her position could read a post like this, get a shock in their heart and find help sone how.

  • Dublincalling

    Although this situation is not mine since I shudder at the text you shared. She has no card of her own and is not on bank account so what happens if he gets ill or in an accident and is unable to speak because of the illness or accident. Yes folks this stuff happens. How would she feed the kids and herself. How would she pay mortgage and other expenses. I guess she would have to ask friends and family to help but I can imagine at how embarrassed she would be to do so. I agree with everything you mentioned about the stay at home parent whether it be the husband or wife. They need to have access to the money and share whatever is coming in as contribution to what they do because if you add it up it would cost $$$.

  • Gail

    I am,then, an equalist. Love it.
    When I chose to stay home before my kids were of school age, my husband repeated often that it was 100% my choice. In those days he was way ahead of the average neanderthal man. When we moved and needed a new dr., he said we should go for a woman because they’d have had to work much harder to get there than a man. Wow, I like this man I married 50 years ago!
    Even when I took a few years off from working outside the home, I had the checkbook and made many financial decisions. When he thought of a major money idea, ALWAYS we had equal input. It was unusual then, and Ihope it is not unusual now.

    • Sherry of Save. Spend. Splurge.

      It is shocking now to a lot of young women. They actually fight back and tell me they can’t imagine “asking their husband to pay them for every diaper they change”. I get really annoyed because it’s clearly not what I mean, but they don’t understand what it means to ask for and have equality and are still playing by the old rulebook where the guy decides everything.

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