In Ask Sherry, Life, Parenting

Ask Sherry: On having a kid just to satisfy your partner and going back to work after a kid

You asked, and I am answering every Friday once I have enough questions!

You can ask any question using the form here.

My friend didn’t want kids, but her husband REALLY does, so she thinks she will have one to make him happy. Does this sound nuts to you???

Surprisingly… no.

I have a friend who wanted zero kids, her husband was ADAMANT they have at least one…. she fought and fought and finally gave in to have ONE kid.

Now, she is the one who is choosing to be pregnant with her fourth after loving having had her first, and second, and third.

I have another friend who wanted no kids and his wife was really into children, having waited her whole life to be a mother basically, so he had one to satisfy her but now cannot imagine his life without his son ( he would do it all again in a heartbeat ), and he is going for his second kid now.

Sometimes what you say you want and what you want in the end are two different things.

Having no kids is also a happy, healthy, sleep-friendly viable option. Trust me, if I felt fulfilled without a child, I’d have stayed childless. I do not regret Little Bun in the slightest but it is not an easy ride.

Any advice for a mom returning back to work, after a year of being away?

Go easy on yourself. No one will treat you differently if you let them.

It is not as hard as you think it will be. You might even feel relief in having something else to direct your attention and energies to. I know I did.. after 5 months I was climbing the walls with Baby Bun and was GLAD to be back at work.

Working can fulfill another part of your psyche by making you feel needed and useful; which is perfectly normal and accepted.

Don’t talk about your kid all the time either — apparently people find that annoying if they don’t initiate the conversation or have no kids of their own.

Be conscious of the Mommy Bias.. we are “taxed” harder than men if we leave early to pick our kids up or have to stay home with them.

Remember that you’re a separate human being. You aren’t just a mother, you’re also a woman, so live your life separately from your family in the sense that you don’t need to always tie back your life and purpose to them. It is okay to feel like a woman and not a mother all the time.

Do not let anyone Mommy Shame you into not devoting your life and sacrificing all of it to your child and family.

These people are betches who need to mind their own damn business.

I was told that I would ruin my son if I didn’t stay at home with him for the first 3 years of his life.

I was told that I should give up my career to nurture my son who for them, was showing signs of being unusually smart with numbers and letters.

Know what I said? No, thank you. I have my own life too.

… and that is the best thing you can do for your kid — to show that you can make your own independent choices to stay at home or not, and to do what you feel is best for yourself and your family.

Do what is best for YOU and YOUR family.

Still have a burning question?

You can ask any question using the form here and all of my previous Ask Sherry posts are here.

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Sherry of Save. Spend. Splurge.

Am my own Sugar Daddy. Am a millionaire at 36 after getting out of $60K of student debt in 18 months, a little over a decade earlier, using I have worked 50% of my career (taking 1-2 year breaks), and quadrupled my income within 2 years of graduating, going from $65K to $260K with an average lifetime savings rate of 50%. I have 11 side incomes that are on track in 2020 to make me $50K - $75K. I could retire today if I wanted, but love my work-life balance as a freelancing consultant in STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Math). I am all about balance - between time and money, and also enjoying my money. I also post daily on Instagram @saverspender.

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  1. liteadventurer

    My wife and I thoroughly discussed the kids issue before we got married. At the time, neither of us wanted kids. We still don’t. We did decide though, that if against all odds one of us changed our minds and was completely set on having children while the other one wasn’t, we’d call it good and go our separate ways at that point. In my opinion, having a child is the biggest life-changing decision a person can make, and there’s no need for one spouse to be miserable for 2 decades of the best years of life just to make another spouse happy.

    1. Sherry of Save. Spend. Splurge.

      I completely agree with you. I’ve always given the advice that you two need to be solid on the same page. Of course you can change your mind afterwards and agree on one like my friend did but having kids can also ruin your lifestyle in the sense that you didn’t sign up for all of THIS. I go through a lot but it isn’t as much as some other parents with kids who have medical and behavioural issues. Big gamble.


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