Women should always have their own money & a Plan B. Period.
Honestly, I don’t really care what anyone says. Any woman (I speak of women mostly because that’s the group that is most affected), who doesn’t have some of her own money set aside, and a Plan B to get out of any relationship, is doing herself a disservice.
“That’s so unromantic”
Well, I ask you – how unromantic is it going to be if you find out he’s left you? This is not an uncommon story where a man (or woman, yes), leaves their spouse for someone else. How unromantic is it going to be to have a secure plan in place when you realize this?
Or do you want to be that woman who only has $4 left in her pocket because she just found out her husband cleared their joint bank account of $16,000 and left her?
How unromantic is it going to be when he has completely cut off all access to the credit cards because you were an authorized user, not an actual owner of said card, drained or has started divorce proceedings which has frozen all the joint accounts (in divorces, this happens until courts can figure out who gets what), cleaned out bank accounts that were joint, and you only just found out when you went to go buy some food and the card was declined?
Unromantic. *snort* …. what’s unromantic is a man saying that you need to be totally 100% joined with him in all things financial and have “no hidden secrets”. Don’t hide anything. Have your own money, CLEARLY set aside in a separate bank account that he has NO ACCESS to (you don’t even need to tell him of the balance, that’s none of his business), and make no qualms about having money for YOURSELF in case things go pear-shaped. He should have the same too, frankly.
If you hear a guy say – NO. EVERYTHING SHOULD BE JOINT 100%. I should have ACCESS TO EVERYTHING. This should be a red flag for you.
“I am not going to ask my husband for money each time I change a diaper”
I got this response once when I firmly said ALL STAY AT HOME PARENTS SHOULD BE GIVEN MONEY OUT OF THE OTHER SPOUSE’S INCOME.
Seemed fair right? No. Apparently women are pushing back on this, and snarkily telling me that they don’t want to invoice their husband for every diaper change.
Who… TF. … said anything about any of this? I never once said to invoice anyone for anything. I just simply said if you are a stay at home parent, you should be rightfully, getting a proportion (equal one, mind you), of the household income that you can put in your own personal bank account or investing accounts, and not have to answer to anyone about it.
You are providing INVISIBLE, PRIVATE labour at home as a stay at home parent. You are not in the public sphere, actively making the money, but you are in the background, enabling this money to be made, which entitles you to half.
It also really gets my goat to read things like this:
Where is his wife in all of this? His wife is the reason why he had 6 kids, got promoted to CEO, earned a PhD and so on. HIS WIFE. NOT HIS STUPID HABITS. UGH.
YOUR MINIMUM CHECKLIST
- Your own bank account in your own name that he has no access to, with savings set aside
- Your own credit card in your own name, where you are NOT AN AUTHORIZED USER on his account
- Your own investments in your own name that he has no access to, but also that courts cannot freeze in case of divorce proceedings as it isn’t joint
- A Plan B of what to do, who to call, where to go, especially if you have children
For the investments bit, that one is tricky as joint accounts can benefit from having two people contributing to an account and getting shared benefits like lower fees. Have a think on this one, and if you don’t have your own investment accounts, there are pros, but also cons that if anything happens, he also has access to wipe them out without you knowing. So keep a finger on the pulse and know what is in them, plus have access.
YOU DO YOU, BOO
Ultimately at the end of the day, I see it as – I said my piece. If you want to continue living the way you do, and saying that it is unromantic, or you don’t want to have your own separate joint account and investments under your name to access in case of any issues, then you are going to do what you are going to do.
I just hope it works out for the rest of your life and nothing happens, but I am certainly too cynical to believe this, considering half of all marriages end in divorce, and you have to hope you’re in the other 50% and “in love” enough to never have this come to fruition.