Week of Money: Where I don’t think my calling is as an artist of any kind LOL

DAY ONE

7:30 a.m. — I log in and start working after my tea. I have been using this concentrate (easy to make plant milk), and I like it but I cannot find the product in glass (they’re all stocked out). I guess I will go back to making my soybean milk from scratch.

8:08 a.m. — Little Bun comes out – Mommy…..

…and he starts talking and talking and talking. Sometimes, I just need a mental break to not listen to anyone or talk to anyone. I am constantly being bombarded with info, I just need a break sometimes.

I try to listen but I am tired. He tells me riddles all day long. It’s mentally taxing.

8:25 a.m. — Meetings all morning, we have no time to work at all, really.

12:22 p.m. — Lunch time.

1:07 p.m. — Down for his Quiet Time / Nap.

2:51 p.m. — Up from his nap, he bounces out of the bedroom.

3:40 p.m. — I am still in calls and I motion to him and his father to shush. I cannot listen to them talking while I am on calls.

5:12 p.m. — Dinner, dishes and laundry. Little Bun is wiping down cutlery.

6:25 p.m. — We spend the next half hour folding and putting laundry away.

8:54 p.m. — Bedtime routine, and then we go to bed.

Spent: $0

DAY TWO

??:?? — Serious night terrors. This has been happening for 2 weeks. He is crying, screaming, and I wake myself up to go over to him, pat his bum and tuck him back in with a pillow so he is warm and comfy. He just wants comfort, he is subconsciously (I think), asking me for support at night, even though it is exhausting me.

I lie down beside him, exhausted.

??:?? — He raises his arm and punches it into my face, right into my eyeball socket making me see stars. It HURTS LIKE A MOTHA… but I bite back a scream and just hold my hand over my eye in pain. After it goes away, I move back to my side, far away from his arm.

7:30 a.m. — I log in and start working.

8:33 a.m. — Meetings again.

12:22 p.m. — Lunch time.

1:00 p.m. — Down for his Quiet Time / Nap.

2:51 p.m. — Up from his nap, he bounces out of the bedroom.

5:12 p.m. — Dinner, dishes and laundry. Little Bun is wiping down cutlery.

6:25 p.m. — He is playing with his Rubik’s cube, and then tells me – Mommy. I think it would be really cool to try a pyramid rubik’s cube. What do you think?

It’s his way of asking nicely – Could you please buy the pyramid rubik’s cube for me?

I tell him – Okay, yes. Sure, if you think it’s cool and fun. 

We buy him whatever he wants or needs at the time he asks for it. He is a pretty low-key, low-maintenance kind of child, and never asks for anything. Truly. So when he does, I try to get it for him if it is within reason (not a drone or something… yet. Though I kind of want a drone for myself.)

I log in to see what we have, and tell him we do not have enough in our cart to check out, to get free shipping. I tell him I have to leave it in the cart until we have something essential we need.

8:54 p.m. — Bedtime routine, and then we go to bed.

At night, he asks me what is considered essential so we could add it to the cart to buy.

I tell him – Well, spices, anything that I could not get in a store and would need online. Maybe my oat milk powder that I like? I have taken to drinking just a hot glass of it at night instead of tea, as I have cut out dairy to see if my skin improves.

Little Bun absorbs this. He asks me how much more we need.

I tell him: Well your pyramid is $16, so we need $19 more.

Little Bun pauses.

I tell him – Maybe if I need more rosehip oil, or something Daddy might need, we can check tomorrow in our stocks and add it to get the free shipping. Otherwise, we will just have to be patient and wait, okay?

Little Bun: Okay…. but please check okay?

Me: Of course.

Spent: $0

DAY THREE

7:30 a.m. — I log in and start working.

8:08 a.m. — As he is eating his breakfast he tells me – MOMMY. REMEMBER. You were going to check if we had any oat milk powder to buy to get free shipping. Wow, he is laser focused on this pyramid cube.

8:08 a.m. — I check and tell him the oat powder is not for sale to Canada. His face falls.

12:22 p.m. — Lunch time. I secretly add an ID theft stamper which I only use on papers that have just my name and/or address, before I recycle it. Everything else gets shredded. This brings us up to free shipping. $41.49

1:01 p.m. — Down for his Quiet Time / Nap. I don’t tell him about the cube coming, I want to surprise him. He’s still focused on trying to figure out what we need as essentials to MAKE THIS CUBE HAPPEN.

2:51 p.m. — Up from his nap, he bounces out of the bedroom, does his work with his father. I head out for a short errand run. I get caught in traffic, but basically I need to buy house shorts, as summer is coming upon us, and I have been buying secondhand online and wasting a lot of money as the FIT matters as well as comfort, etc, and sizing is so off when it is secondhand unless you know the brand well. $918.65

I end up buying 4 pairs of shorts, 3 pairs of pants, and 3 rings. I am likely to return some of it but I don’t want to wait around and try things on, so I buy and then return later, so I can try them on in the comfort, Covid-free zone of my home. I hear a lot of people hacking up in the store and though it SOUNDS like a smoker’s cough, I cannot be sure it is, and I hightail it out of there as it would be a damn shame to catch it now after almost 2 1/2 years.

3:40 p.m. — At home I log back in for a meeting, and then log off early for the day. I try on all my purchases, and decide I will return one pair of shorts. The rest I will keep, as they all fit me now (I recently gained weight and nothing fits well, which makes me feel sad, but motivated to work on getting the weight off), and the items I own are comfortable even at a size smaller which is where I will ideally be headed.

5:12 p.m. — Little Bun is doing laundry. He tells me we need to vacuum and I add it to the list.

6:25 p.m. — We go through our checklist, do another load of laundry and vacuum.

7:10 p.m. — I go through my “Stuff to Sell” (all stuff that is two, three sizes too small and I just need to let go), and I make up 4 big bags to drop off at consignment or donate. I just need to let it go.

I have been planning to sell or donate it, and a lot of my anxiety comes from LOOKING AT IT, because I am PLANNING on reselling it. I just need to do it, and let it go. What am I going to get out of it? A hundred dollars, maximum? I’d rather donate it to the YWCA to help women get back on their feet with professional wear.

8:54 p.m. — Bedtime routine, and then we go to bed.

Spent: $960.14

DAY FOUR

??:?? — We are awake and cuddling in bed. Then we cuddle in the hallway. He likes to sit on my lap and lean against me for 15 minutes or so, and I enjoy the peace as well. Sometime he whispers stories or things he is thinking about, read, or is interested in.

7:30 a.m. — I log in and start working.

8:08 a.m. — Meetings.

12:22 p.m. — Lunch time. We have falafels! I did not .. love it. I mean it was a bit dry. And they don’t taste like the ones in stores. It is okay as a false meat substitute, to give protein to the dish, and some texture that helps me want to eat it, but it isn’t my favourite versus a burrito.

12:57 p.m. — Down for his Quiet Time / Nap.

2:51 p.m. — Up from his nap, he bounces out of the bedroom.

5:12 p.m. — Dinner, dishes and laundry. Little Bun is wiping down cutlery. We ate the rest of the falafels.

6:25 p.m. — Little Bun is jumping on “Squishy Mountain” which is a big duvet cover of mine, and he lands RIGHT ON MY ANKLE. I HOWL, it hurts, he could have broken it, his whole weight on there, and he is immediately horrified – MOMMY MOMMY! I am so sorry!!!... He runs over pulls off the blanket and examines my ankle. Then he immediately gives me a hug and a kiss, repeating how sorry he is. I tell him it is okay, nothing seems broken, it just hurts, and I need to just rest.

8:54 p.m. — Bedtime routine, and then we go to bed.

Spent: $0

DAY FIVE

??:?? — I see him get up, wrapped in his blanket like a mummy and he comes over to my side, and leans on me, then snuggles in and sleeps on my chest. He falls asleep immediately, cuddled up against me, breathing hard. I cannot sleep, with him on top, but I just sleepily enjoy the moment, the feeling of my baby, huge now, from when he was a newborn, sleeping on my chest. I love the heavy weight of my child on top, and I just burst with love for him. After an hour or what seems like an hour, we wake up, and I grab him some morning yoghurt.

7:30 a.m. — I log in and start working after my yoga routine. And a tea.

8:00 a.m. — Meetings.

12:22 p.m. — Lunch time. Today it is potatoes with paprika and mushrooms. A new recipe he is trying out.

Little Bun dislikes the potatoes (we are on a low salt diet), and he tells me the paprika ruins it. I tell him it is just that it is a nice texture against the potatoes.

12:55 p.m. — Down for his Quiet Time / Nap.

2:51 p.m. — Up from his nap, he bounces out of the bedroom.

3:40 p.m. — Watching the videos with his father, he is playing with a plastic ruler, bending it back and forth. His father, tells him many times not to do this. He does it anyway. He ends up snapping it, and frustrated, his father scolds him. I do too. It’s just.. UGH. WE TOLD YOU.

He bursts into tears, and runs to me, hugs me tight and sobs: I AM SORRY!

I tell him “Sorry doesn’t cut it. And it isn’t sorry to me. It’s sorry to yourself for breaking your ruler. You deliberately played with it, bending it back and forth, and I know you wanted to see how it bent, or you were curious about it, but WE TOLD YOU not to do it and you did it anyway. You had to learn. No sorries.”

He’s sobbing. I pick him up to carry him to the bedroom. We sit there in silence as I calm down.

I explain that sometimes, when we say things, and he doesn’t understand why, then ask WHY. Or if we say you are going to break it, you have to listen to us.

He tells me: Sometimes I forget.

I soften. I tell him I know, and this is a super super MINOR, NOT A BIG DEAL thing, like something irreplaceable, but he has to be more conscious of what he does.

He starts to give me an excuse and I tell him – No. Stop right there. No excuses. You in this situation, deliberately broke it. It was not an accident, in the true sense because you were TOLD not to do it, you did it anyway, you broke it. It was intentional. Right now, you just have to accept responsibility for it, and think about what to do better in the future, and how you can remember to listen to us, or to be thinking before you do something or continue doing something.

You are only a little boy, you are still learning. I get it. But at some point you need to transition from learning to doing, and we are going to start, right?

Little Bun nods. I tell him all the times I learned about things as a child, and how I also got yelled at because I was just like him, but over time, I learned from experience what not to do, just as he will. I tell him he will get there, he just has to practice his learning muscle. And if he likes to fidget or play with things while listening, the way I do, he has to pick something that won’t break.

As an example, I tell him on conference calls I like to snap and unsnap this cord taco I have, or to roll it up and unroll it, so I am the same way, but he needs to figure out a way to find something to fidget with, that is not distracting, and will not break.

5:12 p.m. — Dinner, and his father is making pickled onions. Little Bun hops up on the counter to “help” (as in, eat them.. he loves pickled onions), and then runs into the bedroom to breathe on me. I am totally nauseous now, the smell of pickled onions grosses me out when there is no context (a burrito, a meal of some sort), and I tell him this.

Little Bun: YOU DON’T LOVE PICKLED ONIONS!? *shocked*

Me: I DO but not right now with the smell! It is making Mommy sick.

He starts fanning himself to ‘get rid of the smelly breath’.

I tell him it is not working and to go eat some basil. He runs out and munches on a few leaves, comes back, and asks me if it’s better. I tell him it’s better now.

6:25 p.m. — We head into the closet to play. He has been making me get back in love with playing around with ideas, and maybe this is what I need, because I have felt a sort of numb void in the past few weeks.. not sure from what. But it is like I have lost my love to read, create and be fulfilled in a sense.

8:54 p.m. — Bedtime routine, and then we go to bed.

Spent: $0

DAY SIX

5:48 a.m. — I log in and just sit there, watching videos and blog. IT IS THE WEEKEND

7:50 a.m. — We spend the morning organizing, and I come up with a brilliant way to upcycle my tea tins. My nailpolishes aren’t in my bathroom cabinet because I paint my nails in the second bedroom, where I can open a window and air it out after I am done.

I put them all in a bag, and without realizing it, all of the liquid leaked and disappeared from some of my bottles over the year (I haven’t done my nails in over a year, as I was letting them grow out, because I cracked one toenail pretty badly).

So, I end up with this:

Though I sliced my hand on the sides of the tin (they’re sharp), and I have to wrap them in tape.

12:22 p.m. — Lunch time.

12:55 p.m. — Down for his Quiet Time / Nap.

2:51 p.m. — Up from his nap, he bounces out of the bedroom.

3:40 p.m. — We head out for a walk, Little Bun sees a Corgi dog and wonders out loud: I WONDER IF THEY NAMED THE DOG SAUSAGE. Sausage is a good name for a dog like that.

Me: SAUSAGE? Why would they name him Sausage!? You’re so silly.

Little Bun: *bursts out laughing* HE LOOKS LIKE ONE.

The couple laughs, and tell him no, the dog is not named Sausage.

5:12 p.m. — Dinner, dishes and laundry. Little Bun is wiping down cutlery.

6:25 p.m. — In the closet, we are playing. I tell him I feel nauseous. I lean against the wall, as I stand up, to feel stability on my back. He tells me, alarmed – MOMMY. Let’s clean up and get out of here so you can lie down. In his haste, he turns off the lights, not putting things away, and I turn the light back on, he realizes his mistake, cleans up, then leads me out of the closet to lie down.

Being in small spaces doesn’t bother me, but the darkness / light quality does, and unless it is a BRIGHT, BRIGHT light, my brain sometimes plays tricks on me, and my eyes adjust to the dim light, but then it gives me such a headache…. I prefer wide open spaces, LOTS of natural light. Maybe I can shift our operations to the second bedroom instead. I’d be happier there than in a tiny closet, feeling cramped.

8:54 p.m. — Bedtime routine, and then we go to bed.

Spent: $0

DAY SEVEN

5:22 a.m. — I log in and start blogging. Tomorrow it’s back to work. Little Bun is playing REVAMPED on Snapchat, and ANIMAL RESTAURANT. These are cute, harmless games for the most part. I always keep an eye on his playing, and when I see him watch nonsense on YouTube, I tell him to switch to something better.

12:22 p.m. — Lunch time.

1:05 p.m. — Down for his Quiet Time / Nap.

2:51 p.m. — Up from his nap, he bounces out of the bedroom.

3:40 p.m. — We play a game he found in his magazine, of where you have to close your eyes to draw things, or do funny silly dances.

He made little people markers for us, one for himself, me with my hair up in a bun on my head (LOL), and a Stuffie:

One of the challenges was to draw a self portrait with your eyes closed, and this is what I came up with:

Little Bun loses it. It is so hilarious to him that I ended up drawing this of myself…!!

5:12 p.m. — Dinner, dishes and laundry. Little Bun is wiping down cutlery.

6:25 p.m. — We watch a movie together as a family (I drag out a pillow and a blanket because I hate sitting in chairs for movies), and lying on the floor, I almost doze off.

8:54 p.m. — Bedtime routine (Brush teeth, wash face, WORDLE, Book reading), and then we go to bed.

Spent: $0

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Want more? Read all of my previous Week of Money Diaries.