I want and don’t want another baby.

So basically, in the past two weeks, right after my flu, I have been feeling quite sick and nauseous with a reduced appetite.

These are all ABSOLUTELY symptoms of a flu, but they did seem very strange because the other day as I was playing with Little Bun on the floor, I suddenly got extremely dizzy, and I was seeing stars, and my nausea came up something fierce.

I started vomiting and had to lie down the entire day (and half nap until even bedtime, dozing off in bed with Little Bun, reading to him and trying to stop getting sick).

I started getting concerned about my health and then decided to rule out that I was pregnant, so I bought a cheap $6 pregnancy test (in hindsight a bad idea, but not for the reasons you think), and I took the test later that night, putting the strip in a bowl of pee (yes, this is why it was a bad idea for $6, it was NOT WORTH IT), not only that, the strip was also very ambiguous because the second dark violet line that was supposed to show up, LOOKED like it showed up but also didn’t look like it either.

I had no idea what it was saying.. $6 wasted.

Anyway, I went back, bought a family pack of tests (LOL), and ended up taking one in the early morning because your pregnancy hormone levels are highest then.

I took the test, and then immediately freaked out because I saw a line appear quite distinctly… and then realized I needed TWO LINES to confirm pregnancy, and thankfully the second window was mercifully blank.

When I finally confirmed that I was not pregnant, I felt a mixture of relief and disappointment.

I felt relief because I was really battling with my feelings of how I would feel having a second child (again, unplanned, again, unexpected!).

I was picturing sleepless nights for 5 more years (I am so close to achieving deep REM sleep again with Little Bun! SO CLOSE I CAN SMELL IT..), and then maybe even having to stop working AGAIN and to leave a client I really really love working for and enjoy working at (best commute ever, indoor parking, what’s not to love?)…

….and then the stress of wrangling two little animals, one older and used to being Mommy’s #1 Baby, the jealousy, the stress of having to try and attempt to breastfeed again, my body being ruined yet again and taking 2-3 years to properly bounce back to normal (if at all).

Of course, the whole giving birth thing which would be a C-section again for sure, and another 6 weeks of recovery or longer…. all of these thoughts slammed into my head like a freight train the minute I considered the possibility that I’d have another Baby Bun in the oven. (Baby Cake?)…

I also felt a little disappointment because I would have liked to have had another tiny little baby to hold, because babies are addictive as they are dangerous for your sanity. LOL… they are so sweet, cuddly, cute, soft, totally helpless and dependent on you, and it is the highest high to hold one in your arms and watch them grow and flourish the way Little Bun has.

Then Little Bun would have a sibling, he would be able to take care of and play with him and her, and he would be such a great big brother, without a doubt, once he got over his jealousy and insecurity at being usurped from being Mommy’s #1 Baby.

Isn’t it funny?

Something like that could yield both relief and disappointment and you are okay with either outcome, with having equal amounts of relief and disappointment if I ended up being pregnant?

This is what children do to you.

They mess with your emotions and they haven’t even been born yet or have any plans of being born.

At any rate, what I am most pleased about in the end is that I am happy either way. I am happy that I am not pregnant (super relieved), but also equally as happy if I were with another child.