Watch this from “Waiting to Exhale”:
Now realize this:
A MAN IS NOT A PLAN.
You are your only plan. Don’t give up everything, and who you are, for someone else. ANYONE else.
Don’t put your money, your dreams on hold, just to support someone else completely, and losing yourself in the process.
You have a right to have a hold on your own career, your own life.
I had a girlfriend who on a date, basically said as much, and the guy was ‘immediately turned off’, and said he was looking for someone to support him at home.
Confused, she said that they could have both – they could hire help, it didn’t have to be one or the other.
He said he wasn’t ‘into that’, and he needed ‘someone who was going to want to raise his kids, cleaned the house herself, and who wanted to raise them and not pass it off to someone else or to a daycare’.
I basically set my glass down and looked at her in disbelief.
‘HE REALLY SAID THAT?‘, I screeched.
He really wanted a babymaking machine who would also clean, cook, provide sex and STFU.
Oh but she still had to be smart (but not too smart, mind you), be fit, stay pretty and continue to be intellectually interesting.
Apparently he isn’t the only one.
LOTS of men feel this way, and I recall reading a business school survey (WISH I COULD FIND THE DANG LINK) where a professor pointed out that the woman sitting next to you in this class, would likely want to have her own career and not want to take a backseat to support you if she made it into this program.
The guys apparently had never thought about that.
They want to marry smart, ambitious women, but then aren’t on board with the ‘consequences’ of dealing with an equal, then and are confused why women are giving them side eyes like — Are you serious?
She was expected to take a backseat. For what reason?
None. She was a woman. That’s why.
For all intents and purposes, her career was as dynamic as his, truly, and yet she was not going to be treated like an equal breadwinner. Ever.
What’s worse, is then having women also turn their noses up at working mothers and saying THE SAME THINGS.
I had my snarky neighbour do this to put me down indirectly during a parent group thing, by saying she didn’t understand HOW mothers could go back to work and abandon their babies. Didn’t they feel guilt?, she mused.
(This was when I was in between contracts with a tiny Baby Bun.)
I looked back at her during one of these self-righteous rants and said: “Well I don’t see how FATHERS can do the same.”
If I wanted to be mean, I’d have added: “You know, like your husband who travels 90% of the time.” but I didn’t because I thought it and it was good enough.
DO NOT RELY ON ANYONE ELSE BUT YOURSELF
This is why I am so adamant that women learn about their money, and the people in their lives encourage young girls, women, and have them learn how to be financially successful AND independent.
If my partner told me to stay at home with Little Bun even though I could potentially pull in $250K a year, I’d have given him a tongue lashing.
I have to be the one to personally make that decision, and I have at one point, when I gave up a $250K contract that required too much traveling, to stay at home and wait for something better.
There is also an aftermath to staying at home – consequences men don’t suffer because they don’t stay at home (hello, see date story above!) and continue going out to conquer and shine in an external setting, rather than being internally at home doing invisible work – household chores, childrearing etc.
Do you want to rely on someone else for your secure future? I think not.
A MAN IS NOT A PLAN.
P.S. These are 3 things every woman should have no matter what.