In Discussions, Money

I hate the “Helpless Victim/Maiden” routine

Now I am going to be pretty blunt in this post so… be forewarned.

OK… so this is unrelated to personal finance, but then it came out of the blue when I am watching season two of 90 Day Fiancé (do not judge me, this is actually very interesting to watch emotions play out between couples, bringing up great topics like interracial marriages, and this particular topic), where we come to this couple: Danielle Mullins and Mohamed Jbali.

Never mind that he is seriously good looking, seems like a decent guy, fit, and young, but the future wife (Danielle), is just so… freaking… weepy. Like… no backbone, constantly clinging to him, weepy, whiny.

She cries pretty much every episode. I know people cry. I cry. I cry ALL THE TIME.

I know people get emotional, but she has this Helpless Victim air about her that just grates on my nerves.

There’s a lot of whining. I guess as a mother, I really have a low tolerance for whining these days because I’ll say things like:

If you don’t finish your vegetables and whine about it, we are definitely NOT going to the park, MISTER!

…and my threshold to hear this kind of whining coming from an ADULT of all people, jars my nerves.

I want to basically go there, grab a hold of her and say:

GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF! If he didn’t show up at the airport, you made a mistake, it’s over. MOVE ON.

(He did show up by the way.)


GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF! If you lost your job and basically went into your credit cards to pay for a wedding you could not afford when you should have just had a civil ceremony, just sit down, finish all your crying, take a deep breath and make a plan to get out of it!

(I don’t think this part worked out because people have to want to get out of debt and be serious about it, to do it.)

(She also had her cellphones cut off because she just didn’t know how to make her bills – electricity got shut off… she just had no FREAKING CLUE HOW TO MANAGE MONEY.)

TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE.

… would be my message to her.

It is not even her, specifically, to be honest. I just really don’t enjoy this Helpless Victim routine.

FORGET KEEPING THE MAN. Who cares about him right now? You need YOUR LIFE together.

If you don’t have your life together, you won’t be able to handle being in a relationship because it just f&cks everything up.

The kind where you say on repeat like a broken doll:

Oh but what am I going to do? What if this doesn’t work out? Boo hoo hoo hooo hooo…..

Well nothing is going to work with you constantly crying about it!!!!!!

Cry, get it out, get angry, smash something (they totally have businesses that let you go into safe rooms and break #%#$ with hammers now), and SCREAM. SCREAM INTO THE VOID FOR TWENTY MINUTES.

Get it out of your system.

Now that you’ve let it all go, take a deep breath.

Calm yourself.

More weeping and crying ain’t gonna pay your bills, get you a job, and get your cellphones turned back on, now is it?

Get it together. Take charge of your life.

Don’t know how to do something? Go to the library, grab a general book on the topic and start reading.

Don’t just sit around complaining and whining. Drives me insane. FIX IT.

You aren’t helpless unless you think you are. You’re just waiting for someone to come along and fix it for you, but 9 times out of 10, this isn’t going to happen.

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Sherry of Save. Spend. Splurge.

Am my own Sugar Daddy. Am a millionaire at 36 after getting out of $60K of student debt in 18 months, a little over a decade earlier, using TheBudgetingTool.com. I have worked 50% of my career (taking 1-2 year breaks), and quadrupled my income within 2 years of graduating, going from $65K to $260K with an average lifetime savings rate of 50%. I have 11 side incomes that are on track in 2020 to make me $50K - $75K. I could retire today if I wanted, but love my work-life balance as a freelancing consultant in STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Math). I am all about balance - between time and money, and also enjoying my money. I also post daily on Instagram @saverspender.

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10 Comments

  1. Ariana Auburn

    Is that show a comedy? Or satire? A lot us us who want to dip our toes into new chapters in our lives really don’t know what we are doing. If this woman is determined to learn how to survive on her own, she will.Call it lack of exposure or lack of education, whatever. Hell, maybe she is getting paid to be this way since this is on TLC

    Reply
    1. Sherry of Save. Spend. Splurge.

      Neither – reality.. I don’t think she is paid to be like this, I genuinely think they ARE like this. Well this couple anyway, I cannot speak for the others.

      Reply
  2. Steveark

    And that’s why you are you and you have such a following. You are a lot of things that people admire but being able to be tough and still in touch with your emotions and the feelings of others is certainly high on the list I think. It is frustrating to see people flop around helplessly when you know, because you’ve done it a hundred times, that if they just suck it up and get through it they can have a so much better outcome. I bet as someone who is asked for advice as much as you it is disheartening when you know the answer but also know the person you are trying to help just isn’t going to do it?

    Reply
    1. Sherry of Save. Spend. Splurge.

      Thank you. A following? I sound like a cult leader.. but thank you nonetheless, I feel so special now. *glows*…

      This is why I have given up on giving advice. People who ask for advice, are people who won’t listen to you. Next time, I’m charging. LOL!

      I am absolutely not 100% steel. I do have feelings, I just get so annoyed when I see people doing the SANE wrong things, over and over again. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

      Reply
  3. Sense

    OMG, some of the people on 90 day fiance (and all the spinoffs) drive me absolutely batty for this very reason (but it’s also why I watch the show!! Trainwrecks are very entertaining). There are so many people like Danielle on the show. I find their desperation, their NEED to be liked so incredible. They are willing to put up with absolutely anything from their partner, and then try to emotionally manipulate them into whatever they want. The denial these people are in is astounding–it really knows no bounds. There is zero self awareness happening.

    Muhammed is no saint, either. He’s done some really shady stuff too. Not to take up for Danielle–I think they are both hugely problematic. I feel the sorriest for Danielle’s children, who have way more sense than she does, by a mile.

    There are a lot more people (Nicole, Darcy, Caesar immediately spring to mind) that also fall into this ‘Fairyland Denial’ category. And then there are the rare sweethearts like Kirlyam–she is such a doll. I would love to have a proper chat with you about what you think about everyone!!! It is FASCINATING.

    Reply
    1. Sherry of Save. Spend. Splurge.

      Your thoughts are my thoughts. I LOVED Kirlyam. She was the nicest, and so incredibly sweet. I loved her the best. What about Avery and Omar? That one I think is a love story, but just so … scary in a sense.

      Reply
      1. Sense

        I’m not sure about Avery and Omar. Avery is *so young,* and it shows. I think she is incredibly naive about what it means to grow up in a country with war zones. Her fickleness also concerns me. Is she going to get bored of Islam/Omar in 6 months? Is this just a rebellious phase to spite her parents? Omar seems like a good guy, too, but his “Men don’t cry or show emotions, that’s for women” antiquated views annoy me. I wonder how controlling he’ll be because of his religion, too. Avery probably won’t be able to keep up her American mentality and practicing Omar’s version of Islam. She may need to find a different guy to do that. I smell trouble on that front.

        What do you think of Sumit and Jenny?!? I really wanted him to be legit, but he has thrown up every red flag in the book. On the one hand, he is sneaky and awful to play with Jenny’s feelings and life so callously. On the other, I feel SO BAD that his culture makes him so unhappy. They are a roller coaster.

        People in love or wanting to be in love can so stubborn and deny common sense.

        Reply
        1. Sherry of Save. Spend. Splurge.

          Avery and Omar – your thoughts echo mine. I really don’t enjoy antiquated, misogynistic views of women – two women to equal a man for a signing of a document? What kind of BS is that? Also she has NO muslim women friends to tell her what it’s really like, which can be limiting, isolating and scary.

          I want Sumit and Jenny to be SO REAL. I don’t have the same feeling as you though, I feel like he is legit, but his family is so incredibly difficult in terms of culture, that he cannot admit to them the situation. OR, now that you mention it, maybe he already has someone “back home”….!!!!!! Or is already engaged or some crazy s#*$ like that. I wouldn’t put it past him, and why he is so cagey.

          For sure, Cesar and Maria, are a scam. I’m pretty sure Cesar is an actor, and Maria is fake obviously, but it is partly for the show’s ratings, because each time I hear and see him, I am like — WHY. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING.

          Reply
          1. Sense

            Oh I also really feel bad for Sumit, and actually believe he loves Jenny. He handled everything so, so badly, though, which caused the red flags. I think he is trapped in a horrible situation where he was born in a culture that doesn’t suit him. I just wish that Jenny didn’t have to pay so dearly for that, and for his mistakes.

            Cesar! I just caught up and CANNOT believe that Maria is a real person that is talking to him! At least that and seeing his friend Jeremy are small pay offs for what TLC put us through all season.

          2. Sherry of Save. Spend. Splurge.

            Agreed – I just want them to be in love. I also love that it looks like a REAL love story not like that fake one with that whiny woman in my post.

            I will never believe Maria is real. I think her voice is real, her pics are fake…. or it is one fake pic from one girl, with multiple girls / voices scamming a bunch of guys. LOL! His friend Jeremy is very good looking, agreed. And skeptical.

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