In Career, Discussions, Discussions, Life, Parenting, Women

Would women have a baby just to stop working?

I am noticing an odd trend in my circle. It’s tiny and not indicative of all my awesome friends, but it’s enough to make me whip my head around when I hear it.

A friend I have, started pursuing an MBA so that she wouldn’t have to work in the real world any more (she worked for a year and a half.)

Before getting accepted into a college for said MBA, she took a year and a half off, and traveled on her husband’s dime around the world (with him, of course).

Then she got her MBA, and decided she really didn’t want to work.

What did she do? She got pregnant.

Yes, she seriously told me all of the above and why she has a cute little baby boy right now.

She told me she thought it would also make sense to wait a few more years as a stay-at-home mom, and either take a PhD to avoid working, or have another kid.

I had to pick my mouth up off the floor at that.

Luckily, we were talking on the phone and not Skyping, so she couldn’t see the look on my face.

BF’s friend, just recently told us that his girlfriend whom he refuses to marry (French people aren’t hot on marriage in general), is getting in vitro fertilization soon to have a baby (or two, as twins are common!).


I oohed and aaahed over having a baby (or babies), and thinking of all the wonderful things (ignoring the searing, burned-alive-pain of childbirth), a baby or two would bring for the both of them, and how great it would be for them.

I was already thinking of their future and cute moments like this one: Twin Baby Girls Rock out to their Daddy’s Guitar

He gave me a strange look and clarified that he wasn’t too chuffed at the idea of having a kid (he could do without one, he said), but she had flat out said she only wanted a baby so she could stop working.

The worst of it?

He’s actually okay with all that… although ‘resigned’ is the word I’d describe him, but for the life of me, I don’t know why he doesn’t just tell her to get out of his house where he pays for EVERYTHING, even though she works a few days a month here and there, and doesn’t spend any money except on herself.

*face palm*

To clarify, she hasn’t really worked her whole life, so she’s not used to it. Lame excuse, I know.

She grew up spoiled, her parents cut her off from the fortune, and she now lives on her boyfriend’s dime, and I’m fairly sure it’s to “secure” him so he doesn’t leave her, and to use the grandchild as a bargaining chip with her parents to get back into the will, all along with not having to work any longer for the rest of her life.

Ridiculous.

Women have come so far since getting the right to vote, fairer/less sexist treatment in the workplace, and then you hear of 2 bad apples who pretty much set back huge chunks of what we’ve fought for so far.

It is one thing to be a stay-at-home mom, to really enjoy it and to WANT to be a SAHM who is the head of the household and a true supportive half in the relationship.

It’s another thing altogether to state bluntly that you want to quit working forever, and having a baby is the only solution.

It’s like an Early Retirement Card that will burp, poop and cry for the first 5 years of its life, and then possibly disappoint you because you’ve heaped too much on them in terms of expectations.

Me, I am not going to quit my plum career.

I want kids, but I want my own adult life too, and I do NOT choose being a SAHM. I think I’d tear my hair out and murder Dora the Explorer in my dreams.

You heard it here first.


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Sherry of Save. Spend. Splurge.

I got out of $60,000 of debt in 18 months using TheBudgetingTool.com. Since then, I have worked 50% of my career (taking 1-2 year breaks), and quadrupled my income within 2 years of graduating, going from $65K to $260K (savings rate = 85%). I could retire today if I wanted, but love my work-life balance as a freelancing consultant in STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Math). I also post daily on Instagram @saverspender.

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42 Comments

  1. Sherry

    If her husband is weak enough to let her quit working just because she had another child he’s a fool but she’s just as much a fool. My husband and I are both equally responsible for providing money and all the domestic duties. Of course if we wanted our own children, I would have to have it but that doesn’t mean I am the main one responsible for the childcare.

    It’s important for both husband and wife to have what I call primary income: money owned by the person via employment, investment or some type of “winnings”. Money provided by a person such as family, friend or donation I call a secondary income. I realize the person who owns the money has the power. I have had to live off my husband since BEFORE we were married, due to disabilities and lack of accessibility to a workplace and lack of skills. It seems so unfair but I am not embarrassed like so many in my position because I refuse to take the blame since it’s not my fault. If my husband and I were destitute and only one job was available, which we both were equally suited for, I would get the job because a man can live off the land and provide his share from there. Yes there are male/female differences and one is that the man can more easily withstand the environment of living off the land. There cannot be anyone more horrified at a wife not wanting to pay her share than I am!

    Reply
    1. save. spend. splurge.

      I definitely agree with you. We’re equally responsible for raising children, it simply can’t be one parent.

      I was pretty disgusted with the attitude of women wanting to have kids only to stop working. I have a baby now, and I don’t want to slack off on my half.. It gives me a great sense of pride and self-worth to have my own job.

      Reply
  2. J
    Jason

    I’ve seen this so many times before, it doesn’t surprise me anymore.

    As a man, I would feel “thrown to the wolves” if I felt my wife didn’t want to contribute financially anymore.

    Reply
    1. save. spend. splurge.

      @Jason: Even as a woman who would have a husband (if he were a seahorse as they are the ones who carry the offspring) tell me that he didn’t want to contribute any longer, I’d feel cheated.

      It’s just unfair.

      Reply
  3. h
    holley

    I met a female who had popped a baby out with a guy and they were not together when she had the baby. She was living off her mother and the mother nurtured the baby along with the grandparents and her aunt. As soon as she got back to work from maternity leave she hooked up with a previous X who just got done in a criminal legal case that was pressed against him fro m a girl he dated in the same office as she. She had him already moved in her mothers home sharing the same bed in September which was three weeks after she got back to work. They argued with physical contact and often in front of the baby she barley spent time with. One last final argument over drug dealing sent him back to the apartment I was subletting. He started to have sex with some massage therapist girl. This female knew about it but still would come after him for sex and getting him back. One night after again pawning off her kids to someone else an alleging to go to work she left work to go to his apartment. I was there, she walked in, went in his room and started pulling her pants down after she got on the bed. She had him come over a few times to her home as well, he also needed to get some of his things. About a month land a half later she calls him and mentions to him that she is pregnant. She also knew he lost his job and shortly after she did as well. She never even filed for child support when she had her first kid. Not until almost two years later when she was now with a new father for another baby does he make her file child support. She never acted to care or be responsible for her first kid.

    Reply
    1. h
      holley

      @holley: Just to clarify she had only one kid before she went after the guy at work who became the second father of her next baby. In one of the earlier statements I typed kids by accident. “pawning off her own kid”

      Yes she did in fact expose that her mother was the one that did the nurturing for her first new born and not her.

      many woman such as histrionics will use a child as a pun in order to control a the inner child in the body of a man.

      Reply
      1. saverspender @ save. spend. splurge.

        @holley: What a drama!!!! No wonder guys are cautious.

        Reply
  4. H
    Heather Buen

    As a single mother of three by way of divorce I’m not sure how people can say having kids is not work. I wonder if it’s a control issue. Going to work requires you to answer to another person – boss, coworkers, vendors, customers and clients. It seems these women are very selfish and since they have the fathers of these babies under their control, the thought of answering to someone else and proving you have the abilities to progress and succeed probably frightens them. They have issues but then again why don’t they just tell their partner straight out, I don’t want to work. I can’t see how raising their children and providing an example that manipulation is the way to communicate in a relationship is healthy for them or the kids. I need to find a man like the ones they have. 😉 Of course I could never NOT work, I always need something to do.

    Reply
    1. M
      Mochi & Macarons

      Kids are not easy to take care of. It is work but they see it as a way out of not working, but they think they won’t have a value being at home, childless, I guess.

      Reply
  5. MakintheBacon$

    I’ve always been a career first type kind of gal, so the idea of having a kid just to stop working doesn’t fly with me.I like to be busy and although being a stay at home mom would keep me busy, it would also make me bored as hell. I’d get sick of talking baby talk all day. I’m leaning towards not even having kids and going the fur baby route instead.

    Reply
    1. M
      Mochi & Macarons

      Fur babies are just like babies. Pick up poop, have bad days.. etc. I say do what makes you happy.

      That’s it — I could stay at home and be busy but I’d be bored as hell.

      Reply
    2. H
      Heather Buen

      Yes, I know many mothers that are stay at home moms that get sick of talking to kids all day. They then become mom bloggers and start businesses. They also tend to create playgroups by which mimic cliques from high school. I say this from experience! Trust me! (ok, not all are that bad!)

      Reply
  6. SP

    I can’t believe a woman would do this – and admit it to her friends!!!

    Do people really find careers that bad? I find mine rewarding!

    Reply
    1. M
      Mochi & Macarons

      It depends on if you can find a rewarding career!!!! 🙂

      Reply
  7. Anne @ Unique Gifter

    Hahahaha. *sigh* The surprising part to me is that people have done this on purpose. I’m a “must earn my own cash” type person, so there’s no way it would work for me. I’m also of the “probably don’t want little things that poop and cry” variety.

    Reply
    1. M
      Mochi & Macarons

      I think anyone who has the same mindset: “Nothing that poops and cries”, are probably more likely to want a career.

      I know women who are perfectly happy and thrilled to stay at home and only take care of kids.

      Me, I am less thrilled about doing it *full-time*, but it is something I look forward to doing. I just can’t imagine doing it (for my personality), 20+ years until they all leave the nest.

      My mom is the same way. Kids in small doses…

      Reply
  8. Yourfablife

    I’ve seen this happen as well – several gfs have gone through grad or law school who were seemingly on the track to become hard-charging career women suddenly decide they want to spend all their time either with the children or as a full-time housewife. I’m not sure what the shift is… is it because once we receive the credential, we are terrified of what might happen, that we couldn’t deliver? Our society prizes education more than a career for women, so it is deeper than just obtaining a Mrs. Degree.

    Reply
    1. M
      Mochi & Macarons

      It is definitely not an MRS. Degree

      It is probably something that changes in their mind. I hear hormones do something, and suddenly they want to stay at home with their kids all the time. Having kids changes you (or so I’m told), so it’ll be interesting to see if I turn out like that (not likely).

      My mom was not like that at all, and having her as my inspirational role model, makes me a feel a lot better.

      Reply
      1. Yourfablife

        I’m sure the maternal instinct has a lot to do with it, and I wonder if I will experience that too… which terrifies me.

        Reply
        1. M
          Mochi & Macarons

          I’ll blog if it does 🙂 Or you should post a comment or write to me if you get bitten by the bug. HAHA!

          Reply
  9. A
    Ariana

    I have seen this happen with some of my friends as well. As soon as their kids get older (they are now infants) they will be in for a few tough surprises…

    Reply
    1. M
      Mochi & Macarons

      Exactly.

      I had one doctor friend tell me once the kids grew up, his wife started missing work and tried to re-enter the workforce, but being out for 25 years, basically killed her CV for anything other than minimum wage jobs. 🙁

      Reply
  10. fabulously frugirl

    Sorry, this is kind of off topic, but I’ve had colleagues/coworkers/friends who’ve had a kid, and then got pregnant again while on mat leave, so they were only back for less than a year before they were on mat leave again. Not that work should dictate when one has kids, but it makes me wonder how and and if this impacts a company’s view on hiring women.

    Reply
    1. M
      Mochi & Macarons

      It definitely goes against us, that’s for sure.

      As a freelancer I am luckier, but as someone who works for a company, I can see how my manager would be rather annoyed… It just seems to be a no-win situation sometimes.

      Reply
  11. Joe Wood

    Kids are awesome. I had a daughter in May and I’m on parental leave. To me, it’s not about avoiding work– I’m looking forward to going back in early 2013 and miss my colleagues (I’ve visited once and am going again in December). It’s about being there to experience life with your new child and it’s been the best time of my life.

    Reply
    1. M
      Mochi & Macarons

      No no 🙂 They’re planning on stopping work 100%. Completely. Nada. Zilch. Zero. No more colleagues!

      Your parental leave is awesome. I think more dads should do it, and I am certainly doing it.

      I don’t plan on quitting my job however.

      Reply
      1. Joe Wood

        lol yeah that’s pretty depressing; “I’ve worked hard for a career and got at least one if not two degrees. Now I’m giving up forever.”

        Reply
        1. M
          Mochi & Macarons

          Well to be fair she got the degrees to avoid working in the first place. Lifetime student…

          Reply
        2. f
          frank

          “Lol thats depressing”
          ..do you know how much of a moron that makes you sound like?

          Reply
  12. A
    Aleksie

    I’ve not noticed this, but that’s an incredibly naive idea to have a kid just so you don’t have to work. It’s one thing to want to be a stay-at-home mother, it’s another to have baby so you can avoid working. A child is like an 18+ year job where you’re always on call and often have to do something, not to mention raising a child is expensive. I’m childfree because of that.

    Reply
    1. M
      Mochi & Macarons

      EXACTLY!!! I bit my tongue before saying anything, but raising a kid is NO JOKE.

      Reply
  13. Budget & the Beach

    Wow that’s crazy, but sadly it’s not the only reason I’ve heard that women have babies. My old volleyball coach from brazil has been on and off with his gf for years, They fight, cheat on each other, get back together…they moved back to brazil because of their visa but his plan was to come back but she hated it here, so she got pregnant. He’s over the moon about it, but what a strange way to bring a life into the world.

    Reply
    1. M
      Mochi & Macarons

      That made me shiver…. reading that.

      Reply
  14. t
    tomatoketchup

    People greatly underestimate how much work it takes to raise a child (properly).

    I would much prefer my day job where I at least get to go home and relax on my evenings, weekends, and holidays, over the 24/7 task of being responsible for a loud and obnoxious little person. I’m biased though, as I’ve never had the desire to sire an heir.

    Reply
    1. M
      Mochi & Macarons

      A few of my friends feel like that, they have fur-babies instead 🙂

      Reply
  15. maz

    Never say never. You could end up giving up your lovely career somedays. I worked full time for 16 years but stopped when my second child was 3 1/2. I’ve never had any regrets. I don’t feel that I live “off my husband”. For 8 years, I paid for childcare and contributed to all the bills. We never got a dime for the government as we’re considered high earners. I’m now pregnant with my 3rd child and right now, got no intention of going back to work for the next year of so. Sure it does help that we’ve got enough money put aside to live without worry but the bottom line is: as you grow older, your career is not the centre of your world anymore. There’s nothing wrong with having a break now and again.

    Reply
    1. M
      Mochi & Macarons

      The thing is that I’m a freelancer, so I can choose my projects and decide to take a year off (I’ve taken 3 years off so far to travel).
      It is not full time all-year-round for me, so I always have the option of working or not, in sync with his schedule.

      Reply
  16. h
    hybrik

    I had an (ex) friend who got pregnant, by choice at 16 years old. However, the baby was born with a severe congenital malformation. So she did what all respectable mother would do… she had 3 more. All have the same congenital malformation, all have serious pervasive developmental disorder and the youngest is in a wheelchair. She told us that it was like winning the lottery, because she doesn’t need to work with all the money she make on welfare, and so far it’s gotten her free housing, free furniture, regular food deliveries from various charities, a couple of month paid to live in a hotel in Montreal (because each kid required various surgeries for their malformation), a free Disney vacation and a free van (for the wheelchair). The kids spend their summer vacation in a camp for disabled children so she doesn’t need to watch them.When I asked about how one of the kid was doing after his surgery, she told me to not bother with it, since ” he’s too much retarded to noticed what’s happening, he’s just another money-maker” (her word, not mine). I quickly cut any contact with her after that. A couple of concerned friends tried to contact the social services, but since the kids are well fed, healthy, are not abused, go to school and their life is not in danger whatsoever, there is not much they can do.

    We live in a sad sad world.

    Reply
    1. M
      Mochi & Macarons

      That is appalling!! A ”moneymaker”?!?!?

      Those are some serious words to be using to describe your kids.

      Reply
  17. B
    Below Her Means

    Sad but true.

    Reply
  18. Cassie

    I got to the end of the post and I’m still working on picking my jaw up off the floor. A lot of my friends are having kids right now. Some of them have decided not to go back to their previous careers, and are instead starting up home based businesses for when their mat leave ends. I’m all for using maternity leave as a time to evaluate your life and decide if you want it to change directions or keep going the way it is, but having a baby specifically because you don’t want to work? I’m appalled. Babies are a lot of work in and of themselves. Having a baby because you want a family and want to be a stay at home mom? Perfectly fine. Having a baby because you don’t want to work and that’s your ticket to freedom? I feel sorry for both the child and the father. I’m disgusted by these girls.

    Reply
    1. M
      Mochi & Macarons

      There is a difference, I agree.

      For me, either way would be fine but knowing my personality, I NEED something outside with strangers or else I will lose it. I’m already losing it now, waiting for 2013 to work.

      Reply

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