I have many. Lots of fears.
Let’s list all of them….
One of my greatest fears is probably that I will disappoint someone.
I will let them down, and not be the person they thought I was. I feel like this permeates through everything I do.
I mean if I think about it, why I worked so hard in school and even now, is that I have a competitive spirit for sure, but I also didn’t want to disappoint my teachers, my managers…
Why I save money to set aside is to not disappoint Little Bun that we don’t have what he needs to eat, to play, to grow, etc. I want him to get what he needs, but not necessarily all that he wants.
I also have a fear of not having any money one day.
I mean to run out to $0, and then have no way out.
This is not a situation that will actually happen because my health willing, I can always work at a 6-figure job easily, and if that goes, I can always lean on family and friends..
I know that.
But the fear is there anyway.
Not that it helps stop me from shopping and temptation (right now working on not eating out as much or at least spreading out the meals across multiple meals so that it feels less like it is something I am wasting and something I am stretching instead).
I think what I like (going a little off topic), is exactly what I want — luxury — but at what I can comfortably decide is the right price.
For instance, Starbucks Chai I know is just warmed up milk over syrup and spices.
I bought the mix, now I don’t really need to go to Starbucks but there’s something inherently luxurious about driving up, having it made for you on the spot, super hot, exactly what you want, and then just enjoying it.
Even the white cup itself can lift my spirit.
If I made it at home, yeah I get the drink but not the experience. Isn’t that screwed up how marketing can really mess with our brains? I know this and yet I fall for it.
Where we were?
Back to my fears…
My other fears include getting so sick that I feel useless (even if I am not)…
To society, to family, to Little Bun…
I want to be useful at all times. It’s why I try so hard. I help, I want to have other people be as happy as I am, and pass on the help as much as possible….. that said, my partner sees this side of me as good and bad.
He says that I am so generous and happy-go-lucky that people take advantage of me.
This sounds so strange doesn’t it? Knowing who I am from this blog and so on, but with friends and family, he is right. I am absolutely that person.
I am so eager to help and say “yes” that sometimes I forget I am under no obligation to do so, and it actually harms me to help others sometimes.
I give a lot of myself to people I care about, and as my partner has pointed out many times, it doesn’t get returned.
I just find it so hard to pull back. Even knowing this. I find it hard to turn anyone away.
Aside from snakes? Not being able to eat whatever I want as I get older. Like, having any food restrictions would scare me.
I have zero allergies as it stands, and it is the way I like it.
This is why I am working so hard to NOT get Type 2 Diabetes so that I cannot eat happily and freely, because food is really something that I cherish and take great pleasure in.
Other than that.. I don’t have many other fears.
I think my fears are a lot of what parents and other people face on a daily basis. Perhaps what is missing from the list would be the fear of losing my job or something. *shrug*
That one is covered being a freelancer.. you have to be okay with a certain level of uncertainty and on average, I work 50% of the time which is good enough for me, it means that I can expect in 3 years for instance, to work 1.5 of it.