??:?? — More nightmares. He’s crying a lot during the night. He must be processing changes, or all the chats we have been having about my working coming up soon.
??:?? — He wakes up grumpy. I snuggle kiss him anyway.
7:45 a.m. — I make tea, then cuddle him. And we talk about the snow, the ice, the things we see outside and all the GARBAGE from the construction sites.
He tells me: Mommy, everyday should be Earth day. We only have one Earth.
I look at him sadly because we are trying our best with things that we are doing and it sort of hurts that people aren’t putting in the same effort, and it will be my son and his generation that will feel the effects. I can’t save him from other people.
8:24 a.m. — I put away dishes, do laundry, then wash all the dishes to dry.
9:18 a.m. — I receive a report that my cookies thing is blocking all my ads. I log in and check ad revenue for the first time all month, and it’s down to $20 FOR THE WHOLE MONTH, which is a massive drop down from the average of $300. *sigh* ….. And my visitors have been UP which means I have lost a lot of revenue.
10:50 a.m. — I snuggle Little Bun as he works on his Escape Room.
12:22 p.m. — I finish my shower. I should actually remove my nailpolish today and redo it tomorrow. I do it in two times – removal one day, painting the next.
1:03 p.m. — Down for his nap, I take a break to make a tea. I still need to call that credit card company or store and scream down the line to get my money back. They shortchanged me $60 and no one wants to take responsibility. I also manage to finish that massively long tome: Distinction. This is the final chapter.
3:01 p.m. — I snuggle Little Bun when he’s up from his nap. I love how cute he is. And warm.
3:52 p.m. — Neighbours are working on their apartment and the noise irritates us, but especially Little Bun who screams at the ceiling. He hates loud noises, he isn’t used to it, and gets as irritated as we do. Drills all day long, banging…
4:25 p.m. — I am still reviewing contracts. They are doing this sneaky thing where they lock you in with contracts but then are sending MORE add-on contracts to sign. Shouldn’t you have sent me the entire package for review? Instead of me now, arguing and wondering why you are sending another contract that seems to contradict what you’ve said before in terms of working remotely, and all these NEW rules I did not know about? I email back crossly, asking what these are for.
5:29 p.m. — I do all the dishes after feeding him.
6:21 p.m. — This really irks me when I read things like this:
My other friend gave a solution to buy DURIAN candies (they’re disgusting, think curled cream + garlic + vomit flavour), and to have people try one. They’ll never come back to your candy desk.
7:46 p.m. — We are getting ready for bed, by playing “Spinning Tops” where we practice spinning them. He was having a really tough time with this a few weeks ago. He came into the bedroom angry and frustrated that he couldn’t get it right the first time.
I told him these exact words: You can’t expect to get everything on the first try. Hard work, practice, and sticking to it, with real grit and determination is important. I am a little disappointed to hear you give up on something so easily. You just need to practice how to spin the tops, and with practice, you’ll get better and better at it.
I then proceeded to lecture him and remind him about how he didn’t know how to read as a baby, he had to learn his letters, and things were difficult at the start but now look at HOW EASY it all is for him. With hard work, determination, not giving up, and PRACTICE.
Fast forward a few weeks later, and it finally clicked. He learned how to spin the top in his fingers carefully and quickly, and he started to have a higher rate of ‘success’ in getting it to spin, to which he ran into the bedroom screaming: I DID IT!! I DID IT!!.. THREE TIMES!!! …
I told him: Great work. See? HARD WORK.
I am definitely that mother who will be giving him a lot of harsh lectures. I will not shy away from telling him if he has disappointed me because he has to know he isn’t a special snowflake who does everything perfectly all the time. So .. when he finally does do something that I am proud of, he knows it’s genuine when I say it. It’s REAL. I mean it.
??:?? — He wakes up and runs around the bedroom, ending up wetting his pants because he didn’t get to the bathroom in time. I am cross, and tired. I send him out to his father to help him get changed into clean clothes for bed, and he runs back and forth before I snap at him: GO GET CHANGED. YOU ARE WET.
??:?? — I wake up to Little Bun squeee-ing like a baby. He checks the time on his father’s alarm clock, and then checks the main clock to make sure they sync (they don’t), and he informs his father that he has to fix the clocks.
7:50 a.m. — I make tea, and he asks me: Can I do the finger puppets first before activity book, if I’d like?
(He has a thing of now saying “if I’d like” or “if you’d like” at the end of sentences because I say it so often, such as: “You can do it this way, if you’d like” ….because I am all about giving him options to do things differently, not necessarily the way I want to do them.
Side note: He’s developed his own writing style as a result, and for instance, his E’s are very unusual where he starts at the tail end of the little “e” and then instead of going LEFT and creating a C and then the shelf for the “e”, he creates the bottom tail, and then makes the line going RIGHT and loops the top going LEFT to finish the “e”. I’ve let him do it the way he wants. I don’t care as long as I can see it is an “e”.
7:59 a.m. — Little Bun: “Mommy it is good to be unique. It is fine! It’s cool to be different” … And I agree with him. I say this often to him so that he understands being different is fine, and he has to follow HIS heart of what he thinks is right, not what other kids are thinking.
I am especially thinking about bullying in schools and how kids bully each other to fit in with other kids who do it. I want him to go against that grain and be that kid who sits with the new kid, the outcast kid, or just to be friendly and not someone who follows what other kids are doing even though he knows in his heart it isn’t right. Kids can be really cruel, as I recall from experience.
8:28 a.m. — I start on the dishes from last night and dry them. It’s Pizza Day today, so he’s hassling his father to ask when he is making food.
8:28 a.m. — In the bedroom, he plays Escape Room and figures out a puzzle that has eluded me for DAYS. I don’t even know how he did it. I praise him.
9:03 a.m. — He hands me the iPad for another puzzle and even I am having trouble with this one. I have him grab a paper and we map out the logic puzzle, and I talk my way through it to show him my thought process of how I figured out the solution as he watches.
9:17 a.m. — I am reading my books. I took a break from that massive tome (I am almost done), and soothe my brain with some Beatriz Williams (THANK YOU! I LOVE HER WORKS NOW!) She writes with such eloquence and detailed descriptions of the 1940s, and so on. I feel like I am There.
10:30 a.m. — I take a break for a call. Another contract, I have an interview tomorrow. This first one I am starting to get bad vibes about. If I score this one, I may try this second one for a month and then call it quits if my instincts prove to be true, but at least I will have the option of the lesser of two evils. I have to prep for it, and my broker runs me through some test questions they may ask me (he seems to really want me to get this contract and frankly I am not even sure he has other options of people for it, contrary to what he has been saying…).
10:57 a.m. — I start laundry for the kitchen towels. It is now Little Bun’s duty to go to the dryer once it’s done, take out all the laundry, fold them, put them away, and clean up the basket and so on once they are ready. He has forgotten a few times to close the laundry door and I remind him to check each time he thinks he is done something. His other permanent task is wiping all the cutlery except for the knives. He LOVES helping me so much and squeals “YAYYYYY” when I ask him to come and do these tasks for the household.
By the way — He totally resisted the first few times until I laid in on him with another Mommy Lecture and told him that he was contributing to our FAMILY and our HOUSEHOLD by helping. Mommy does X to help, Daddy does Y, and you need to also do work in the house so we can have clean towels, laundry, etc.… He seems to have gotten the hint because I was quite disappointed in his attitude the first few times, with the whining and the “I am too tired to do this”, lazy child nonsense — and yes I told him that too.
His last task is doing the detailed vacuuming with the little roo-roo hose attachment. 20 minutes of pure bliss for me.
Now, he asks me every other day: Mommy, is there ANYTHING I can do to help you today? and I try to find things and consider his request very thoughtfully.
12:08 p.m. — Pizza time! I load mine with pinches of cayenne pepper, a new trick of mine.
1:05 p.m. — Down for his nap, I read through two more books. I am on the warpath to finish as many as I can and enjoy as much as I can before I start work. I wrap myself in a faux fur stole because this is how cold we keep the apartment to save money. LOL!!! Just kidding. It’s quite warm elsewhere in the home, but this second bedroom I am in, has no heat because we don’t use it, but I like how cold it is, to snuggle up and read in.
I am using this book stand to hold up my e-reader because I am lazy, so I can sit back in my chair or on the bed (even sideways) and read it without holding it.
3:07 p.m. — He’s up from his “nap” which was just Quiet Time for the both of us for 2 hours (we can hear him playing and reading in the bedroom).
3:43 p.m. — I do more laundry, I tell him to work on the dried towels first before playing more of his Escape Room and he eagerly does so, saying: “I want to do all the work first before I play” (I am also saying this out loud when I do dishes or laundry, or cleaning, to set an example for him before I “play” and read books).
6:43 p.m. — He plays spinning tops with his father after dinner. Then they play with the Barbies we bought him, and my partner comes up with some game for the Barbie dolls he bought him. I could have told my partner beforehand that Barbies are likely to not be his thing, as he liked cars and things with wheels, but my partner insisted on buying Barbies to give him options, and I don’t disagree, but I also saw it slightly as a waste of money.
7:45 p.m. — My friend and I agree that if anything happens to our partners/husbands, we are likely not to want to meet anyone new or to get into another relationship because we don’t have to (we don’t need the money for one thing), but also that we will get to live out our Golden Girls dream life!
This is us planning once they’re gone (HAHAHAHAHA)
9:11 p.m. — We now play Spinning tops. He has learned to spin it by holding the stem first and throwing the top, telling me it is easier than spinning it the other way! That’s a more advanced skill, and I clap for him when he shows me how.
9:37 p.m. — Time for bed.
??:?? — I wake up a little tired, and COLD. I don’t know what happened but the blankets sort of migrated over to Little Bun’s side – he likes to grab onto them and curl up into them like a baby hedgehog… and he left my right side completely uncovered and freezing. Oh the things we do for our babies.
??:?? — Okay now he’s on my side, hugging my leg like a log, his head on my large pillow to my left that I like to use as a body pillow, and his heavy little boy body on my leg feels like a deadweight. I am sure to wake up numb on my left side, but I dare not move so that he sleeps well.
??:?? — He wakes up, squealing like a cute baby “Squee squee”, and then I take him to the bathroom and grab his milk.
6:20 a.m. — I make tea. It’s early, the light has to be on. He comes out blinking like an owl then puts the bottle on the counter and runs back to the hallway, waiting for me.
6:45 a.m. — I go into the hallway, sit down, and he plops himself down onto my lap and announce imperiously: “I am cold” … and it’s my cue to lift my sweater up and to pull it down over his body and head so that we are like a Mommy + Baby Kangaroo. He curls is legs up under my sweater, stretching it out, and I hold him against my body. I tell him: I am sending all my love to you, are you getting warmer? He nods, and leans back against my chest, his little tiny socked feet peeking out underneath. I wrap my arms around his middle, both of us snuggled under this over-stretched sweater.
6:51 a.m. — Warm enough, he wiggles out from underneath my sweater, stands up, and then runs to do his Activity Book pages. He is very good at doing them now after a few (previous) stern lectures about being lazy, about complaining and not acting properly because in school, teachers WILL NOT be as nice to him as Mommy.
7:25 a.m. — Out of the blue, like he’s reading my mind he bursts out: I won’t cause trouble at daycare! I NEVER COMPLAIN AT DAYCARE! …. I ask him what he means, and he says: If I have to do Activity Book at daycare, I never give trouble, I always do it, Mommy.
Me: So you’re an angel for everyone but Mommy and Daddy!?
Note: Teachers tell me this is a GOOD thing because it means we are solid, stable, and very loving at home for him to come home and unload his garbage onto us, but not outside. The kids who do the opposite, and unload their garbage outside in school and throw their books, are the ones without stable homes.
Little Bun: Yes. I don’t complain or give ANY trouble at daycare. I listen and I am very good.
Me: Well I should certainly hope not. And it won’t be daycare any more, it’s school, and it will be tougher. You’ll even have homework when you come back.
Little Bun: I never got homework at daycare!
Me: It’s not daycare when you go to school next time. You’ll have homework in school, not daycare. So you’ll have to come home with it, and organize yourself to work on it and start on your own without Mommy or Daddy hassling you. It’s your job. When Mommy was a Baby, she always brought home her homework, planned her night, started her projects early and organized herself so that she wouldn’t have to rush when the deadline came.
Little Bun: *thinking*
(I can even see the cogs moving, but I try not to lecture him too long, I just repeat the same message over and over again until it is absorbed.)
7:45 a.m. — He finishes all of his pages happily, no complaint, and wonderfully. I mark them all, give him a kiss.
8:10 a.m. — Daddy comes out of the bedroom blearily, and starts breakfast. He runs off, and when he’s done, he grabs the iPad to play this new game about saving plants for Earth called Doomsday Vault, and runs off quietly to the bedroom. He was SO frustrated with this game (he got so angry and even threw the iPad once to my horror) when it first downloaded because he didn’t know what to do, and I frankly had no interest in learning how to play it to teach him.
So I deleted it.
I also told him if he broke this SECOND mini iPad, there is NO MORE IPAD FOREVER. Even his father repeats this often.
Then the other day, he comes to me and says: Mommy I think I am ready to try Doomsday Vault again. I think I am ready now.
I re-download it, and he has been going through all the levels with figuring out solutions and the puzzles without much (if any) help from me.
10:24 a.m. — I tried to resist the sale but I had been waiting for this one for a while, so I pick up those two asymmetrical sweaters in red and white, and the green dress in the right size from Reiss. $610.24
I. LOVE this cut, the knit, the fabric, the slouch.. substitutes won’t cut it. Example of the white sweater:
11:10 a.m. — I have lunch, then I spend time prepping for my interview.
11:18 a.m. — Little Bun is chittering to me like a chipmunk, and getting mad I am not listening until I finally tell him: I am not listening to you right now, I am working. Let me finish this, and then I will come play. He seems put out. But he understands too (has to learn!!!!), and he asks me how long – I tell him 15 minutes.
11:49 a.m. — OK it was longer than 15 minutes but at least I am done! I play “Stuffie Spinning Tops” with him, where the Stuffies give goals and challenges to meet (like, spin a top for 15 seconds!)…
12:03 p.m. — We go into the bedroom and he decides to play on the iPad on his new game while I read.
12:30 p.m. — He very sweetly asks to play a puzzle game called Patterned with me, and we do a few together.
1:07 p.m. — Nap time! He tells me: Mommy I have to go down for my nap. Let me set up. Please pull down the curtains!.. and with a completely serious face, goes and tucks himself in.
2:45 p.m. — I finish that long book (powered by a bar of chocolate), and then take a break on Instagram, while I realize with surprise I hit 20K followers! Time for another introduction. I do one every 5000 followers or so.
2:58 p.m. — I hear Little Bun crying in the bedroom and I am torn, I want to go but my interview will start soon.
3:08 p.m. — After his nap, but he knows I am on a call, he stays in the bedroom quietly.
4:00 p.m. — I think I came on THIIIIICK during the call. But I think it went well. I’m pretty confident but I really laid it on thick as my broker told me to do.. and we will see. I am more expensive, and they think I’ll be bored but I won’t.
4:22 p.m. — I feed Little Bun while I help him navigate through a tricky spot in the game. I feel bad when I fail him, and I tell him so. He knows, and we keep trying anyway.
5:24 p.m. — I am taking deep breaths. I guess I will see what it’s like to work from home with Little Bun now, and doing contract work. I can always quit, I tell myself, if it becomes too much. It’s not the work itself, it’s just that Little Bun is so used to Mommy 24/7, it might be a tough change for him and I really don’t want to go through this growing pain. It would be so much easier if he went to school, and I had the work day, but these are trying times.
6:03 p.m. — Little Bun plays with his father, I try to do dishes. Then I give up.
7:25 p.m. — I make a quick meal for myself. I tried not to eat, but my belly insisted even though I ate copious amounts of chocolate already.
7:49 p.m. — Little Bun does his night schooling.
8:10 p.m. — I should send this to people who tell me I am an escort and my job is not a real one, but a front for being a sex worker:
8:31 p.m. — Then he plays with spinning tops and I do other things.. mostly browse on IG if I am to be honest, it helps my brain switch off.
9:05 p.m. — Time for bed. We whisper in bed and he asks me: Do you have any Activities for tomorrow?
I pause, and I tell him: Yes, I want you to make a Christmas card. But a secret one… okay?
He whispers: Okay. What can I draw on it?
I tell him: A Christmas Stuffie! I find Stuffies hard to draw.
Little Bun: Stuffies are not hard to draw! You do it like this… and he traces it in the air, and explains what he’s drawing.
Me: Where are the arms?
Little Bun: Oopsies! I forgot. and he finishes tracing it in the air.
4:20 a.m. — I wake up, check the time, and can’t go back to sleep. Can we call this anxiety? I don’t know why I am anxious. For what good reason? Nothing. Maybe it’s the interview from yesterday that has me wound up.
7:49 a.m. — I manage to fall back asleep until Little Bun crawls on top and snuggles me to wake me up. He watches me stretch in bed, arms over head, going this way and that, and he asks: Does it feel good? … I nod, and tell him I am stretching my lower back. He gets up and shows me how HE stretches (he bends over).
8:08 a.m. — “Mommy, I’m sorry. I broke your pen. Can I give you a hug now?” … He hugs me, I am resigned. It was an accident I am sure. He would never deliberately break things. Not even 2 seconds later: “Mommy, I’m sorry! Can you fix this? I don’t know, I may have broken it“.. (He didn’t), and he gives me a hug and a kiss.
He knows I will love him no matter what. He can break everything and I will love him. It’s just stuff. And he doesn’t do it on purpose. I mention this, and someone writes in (probably childless): “He seems pretty blasé about breaking your things” … and I just write back: It’s just stuff. He doesn’t do it on purpose, he’s just a small little rambunctious boy.
7:59 a.m. — We go through an Activity Book page where he has to decide whether more commerce, jobs and people making money is better than leaving a place full of nature and animal habitats. I tell him there is no “right” answer in a sense because they’re both considered good things for the economy – either to bring jobs or to keep this natural, but which one would he want?
He tells me: Well I think it’s good to have jobs for people, so they can go and make money.
Me: Okay, and the negatives?
Him: Well, there are animals without their homes, and that’s sad. I wouldn’t want animals to not have a home any more.
Me: Okay, so what do you think?
Him: I think I’d like to keep the place full of nature, leave the animals, and find a job elsewhere. So, NO MALL for me.
Me: Then write your answer down.
I am obviously biased because I am raising him to be more of an environmentalist that I ever was exposed to being as a child, and this is colouring all of his judgement and biases.
9:55 a.m. — I finish my book, and take a break for a work call.
12:03 p.m. — Lunch time! Daddy made banana “cake” (it’s a bread, our son thinks it’s a cake because we don’t really bake cakes and sweet things often, if at all).
1:07 p.m. — Down for his nap, I load more books onto my e-reader to finish.
2:43 p.m. — I schedule up posts for the blog. I have to try and stay ahead of the posting schedule so I don’t stress.
3:00 p.m. — Little Bun up, he wants to play the game where he saves plants on Earth with a Robot again.
3:36 p.m. — I finish a few more posts for the blog.
4:28 p.m. — I try to read my book but get sucked into social media and ogling this really cool dragon necklace. I get a suspicious feeling that this is something I can make myself. It’s $115 USD, 30% off for their yearly sale before November, which is about $80.50 USD.. I am sure I can make this myself.
4:28 p.m. — AH HAH. I locate the dragon chain required, and it comes up to $50 USD for the chains. Then I just need to find a stone for the middle, and I can pick anything I want, maybe something really wild and cool… I could make it out of polymer clay and customize it for myself. $67.89
7:32 p.m. — I do all the dishes after we have dinner.
8:02 p.m. — Little Bun attends class and does a reading session with Daddy afterwards.
9:04 p.m. — Little Bun tells me: “When it isn’t snowing any more, Snowy doesn’t talk“. And by the way, Snowy only says “Snow! SNOWY!”.. and “Snow-kay!” for Okay…
??:?? — Little Bun snuggles into a nook beside my body and the pillow, and I turn and cuddle him / snuggle as we both fall asleep. He loves being in the Mommy Nook but then gets too warm and wiggles out during the night.
??:?? — I wake up a little tired, but Little Bun crawls on top and says: “SQUEE SQUEE MOMMY”… and I kiss him. He also tells me: “Baby Loves Mommy!” .. and I respond back: “Mommy Loves Baby!” … it’s our ritual. He will randomly burst out in the middle of the day, with this, and he expects my response back to him.
8:00 a.m. — I make tea and then my partner starts in on school as I corral him into the bedroom to do Activity Book pages, then we watch Sesame Street, then we play in the closet…. and spend the rest of the morning trying to parse out HOW I could upcycle more pieces. He loves helping me, and sometimes he puts things together in an unusual combination that sparks something in my head, and then the necklace comes together. All of my upcycling projects are here.
11:34 a.m. — His father does the bi-weekly ritual of opening all the packages that were quarantined in the hallway, and hands me all these rocks I bought off Etsy, asking me: What’s with all these stones now…? … and I vaguely reply back that I am making things out of them, and he doesn’t ask any more questions. I am low-key wondering if I will / should sell some pieces, and I suspect in the future I might. But not for now. I don’t know how creative people sell their work because I can’t seem to let go. I LOVE IT ALL. I squeal in happiness because I got my clay!! NOW I CAN REALLY GET GOING. And I may need more clay in the future, I can see myself going through chunks of this stuff in no time.
1:05 p.m. — Down for his nap, after he colours some pictures for me on the iPad – he had made me a blue heart, asked me if I loved it, and then proceeded to save it as a picture so I could look at it in his iPad gallery of photos later.
2:15 p.m. — I am reading this book – Recipe for Perfect Wife – and these REAL quotes back from the 1910s to 1970s are making my blood boil, which is the whole point of putting them in there. It’s an excellent book but the ending wasn’t nearly as satisfying as I had hoped. Still, a decent read. I’d say 4 stars out of 5.
3:28 p.m. — Little Bun SLEPT IN! He needed the nap then.
5:11 p.m. — In the closet, we spend the afternoon creating ideas. He loves playing with the clay, and is quite clean / careful, but after a short stint we had with Playdoh where he went kind of nuts with it and started smearing it everywhere, my partner banned this stuff from the house, so I have to make sure the clay stays on the paper and doesn’t get on the floors.
6:34 p.m. — Dinner time, Sesame street, then we snuggle and read books together. He loves this one – The Worry (Less) Book – because of the comics and lighthearted nature. I end up buying the Consent for You one for him as well. Never too early to start talking about your rights to your body. $12.69
7:07 p.m. — I do all the dishes. He wipes all the cutlery (he knows it’s his job now), and reminds me we have to vacuum tomorrow because he says: “The dust bunnies are getting wild!”
7:38 p.m. — We head into my closet for more upcycling.
8:12 p.m. — My partner picks him up from my closet and he goes off for his night schooling. I clean up our little jewellery making mess, and think about what I want to do with the rest of the stones I have. I am slowly amassing a pile of different ones, and I want to start incorporating my old necklaces into them so they add something new.
8:59 p.m. — In bed, I have a brainwave to pair a green malachite stone with some black chain necklaces and am VERY excited to do this tomorrow with Little Bun.
??:?? — He wakes up cuddled with his head on my body pillow, down by my legs.
8:00 a.m. — As I grab his milk, after his snuggle hug with me, he crawls over to his father and snuggle hugs him too, getting morning kisses as well.
8:15 a.m. — We talk about how the snow is disappearing, and he tells me it is Autumn, and I tell him – no, even though there isn’t snow, it’s Winter.
8:22 a.m. — I tell him laundry has to be folded and he immediately goes to do it. Then he comes back out and tells me he’s super slow when there isn’t any music, so I go into the bedroom, set up the Playlist, and sit on the bed and ‘dance’ with my arms while he folds all the kitchen towels.
8:40 a.m. — We head into the closet right after breakfast. MORE UPCYCLING!… the pieces turn out better than I expected. I turn an old boring ring into a pretty flower shape. Until I bake these items, I feel free to change them as I wish until I get the result I want, which is the nice thing about clay jewellery.
10:02 a.m. — I like this look. A lot. I obviously wear a lot of blue which is part of it, but I like the cowl turtleneck, the kind of artfully draped skirt and belt…
11:15 a.m. — We emerge from the closet, my hips are all cracking and twisted (wow am I old), I guess I can’t sit crosslegged on the floor for hours any more, and I NEED TO GET BACK INTO YOGA.
12:28 p.m. — I make a tea, do all the dishes, and talk to my partner about the inevitable rioting against racism coming to France (we watch a lot of France TV), and he tells me it’s systemic racism just like in the U.S. You won’t give immigrants or non-French-people good jobs, then you punish them for not having good jobs by taking away so many basic rights… then you’re surprised that they turn to crime (in some cases) in desperation because they cannot find any good jobs even with all the education they’re told will help them!? This particular case wasn’t not crime-related, but just police BRUTALITY that sickened me. They say they caught him without a face mask, but then they beat him to the inch of his life, calling him dirty slurs.
Little Bun: Daddy, what’s a racist?
Daddy: A racist is someone who thinks skin colour matters, and hates them because of it. And they’re stupid idiots.
Little Bun: *processing*
He’s too young to understand all the nuances of what racism means yet, but we will have a lot more talks on this as he gets older. We will also be talking about systemic discrimination, etc.
2:32 p.m. — I finish a podcast call with someone. I have been getting a lot of interview requests lately, and while I like doing them, they can also be draining as they take up time… like my Little Bun-free nap times where I get to just BE ME…
3:08 p.m. — Up from his “nap”, I tell him to do the laundry, and he immediately starts on it while I do dishes.
4:10 p.m. — After his laundry folding and putting away, I get him wiping cutlery. This is becoming a much easier process now that he KNOWS these are his work tasks at him and when he is done, THEN we can play. When he is playing something and I have things for him to do, I tell him, and he usually stops what he is doing or finishes, and then comes immediately.
4:28 p.m. — I read my book but can’t get into it. I have a feeling I won’t be able to, the protagonist seems to have lost some children to the virus and that always triggers me because of Little Bun. I switch to another book and devour it because these quotes are MEANT to infuriate the reader as part of the story, and they have its desired effect:
7:12 p.m. — His father is playing dolls with him on the floor. I am not sure what is happening but Barbie seems to be holding a Stuffie for inspection…
8:32 p.m. — We get ready for bed, we finish our second reading of the Anxiety Book, and he asks for a Snow Story, so I make up one about a cat and finding snow for the first time.
??:?? — I wake up to Little Bun screaming. He’s having nightmares again.
??:?? — I wake up tired, to Little Bun telling me: My hand took a cat nap, I can’t snuggle-hug you yet … and I sleepily massage his hand, his fingers, and rub his wrist until his hand wakes up again. Then I flip over as he tries to snuggle+hug me, and I kiss him and rub his back, whispering he had a nightmare last night and I hope he is okay.
7:12 a.m. — I hold this light over my head and close my eyes. My friend has mentioned it has helped a lot on very cloudy days, to help her feel better and give energy. Even if it’s a placebo, I’ll take it.
7:50 a.m. — We are trying to work out a puzzle in this watercolour game called “Tint”, to try and figure out how to solve it. It’s basically mixing colours to create pathways in and out, etc.
8:17 a.m. — Little Bun has breakfast. Then it’s off to the bedroom. I ask him what he’d like to do – Watch Sesame street? Play on the iPad? .. he looks at me with his eyes shining and says: I’d love to play with the clay in the closet and help you make jewellery! … DONE!.
11:50 a.m. — Wow, we really played a long time in there. We were so engrossed in making new pieces and redoing some, that the entire morning passed by in a blur, and it isn’t until the end that I got an idea for what to do with one of the stones. I tend to try different patterns on paper, look at them, take a picture, think about it, but then sometimes they don’t work out. I let the stone speak to me as what it wants to look like at the end, as awful and as mystical as it sounds.
12:15 p.m. — He eats his pre-lunch – just a bowl of oatmeal (he loves it cold).
12:57 p.m. — He lies in bed, wraps himself up in a cocoon of a blanket and whispers: I am unhappy because Daddy is taking so long to make food.. … I immediately tell him to bite his tongue because Daddy is cooking and has been since 8, and he is trying to do things safely but quickly for us so we can eat. I don’t ever want him to tell his father that because it will cause him undue stress in trying to rush to get food done.
1:05 p.m. — LUNCH TIME!! HIS FAVOURITE. Fries every Sunday is the ultimate for him. He doesn’t even speak, just eats like a machine.
1:22 p.m. — Nap time. I make a tea, and plan on reading my book. I also may need to order more clay, I have been going through it like crazy.
4:20 p.m. — I read my book and finish it. I am on the fence about it. It wasn’t as satisfying as I expected, and was kind of annoying. It hit a lot of issues women deal with, read a lot like a self help book in disguise as fiction, and overall, I don’t need more of this – I get enough crap in real life (IRL).
4:57 p.m. — He’s shredding my papers for me by hand now, and he tells me: NO ONE will be able to put this back these shredded papers together again! I am teaching him security at an early age.
5:12 p.m. — I finish my dinner after Little Bun has his (I know I know.. I’m a softie. He likes being hand fed his dinner and I am a sucker who still does it because he’s my baby. I won’t be able to do this later when he’s older so I am sort of clinging to some baby rituals).
6:37 p.m. — Little Bun and I snuggle together watching “Helpsters”. I like to make up weird lyrics to the song, like instead of saying: “What a difference a plan makes“, I sing: “What a difference a bum shakes!” and he always tries to correct me, laughing. 🙂
7:11 p.m. — I am wrestling with my conscience to buy some jewellery I DO NOT NEED but want. On sale. I decide against it. I go and play with Little Bun instead.
8:43 p.m. — Time for bed. We read stories together – we are working through this book: Bad girls throughout history – 100 women who changed the world, and I am eager to see if there are biographies on some of these women! Some of them are truly incredible and inspiring.
Want more? Read all of my previous Week of Money Diaries.