Week of Money: Where I get let go from my contract due to the coronavirus
??:?? — “Mommy.. it is 6:20.”. .. I get up slowly, and as I do, he tells me: “Mommy, I hope you’re not feeling dizzy. <3” … How sweet is he? I do not deserve a son like this. I go and grab his milk, come back, and kiss him. I whisper that I am feeling a lot better, I slept off the dizziness and I am very touched he asked.
6:40 a.m. — We sit and watch the sunrise, turning from coral and salmon pinks to a light mauve and to steel and grey colours…
7:28 a.m. — I am drinking my tea while making notes of what to do today. I have a whole list of things I need to catch up on now that my dizzy spell is gone.
8:08 a.m. — I refill my water bottle. This is my absolute favourite stainless steel mug to use from Zojirushi because it is SO EASY to take apart and clean each piece separately.
9:05 a.m. — I am working away and I get a mandatory meeting. Apparently the entire project is on hold as of last Friday. Meaning, I won’t get paid for what I did today. I shut down my laptop and run some numbers. I’ll be fine, I just need to scale back drastically which is doable for me as I already can’t go out to eat or shop anyway!
10:57 a.m. — The whole morning is a blur of calls and messages of people trying to scramble and figure out what is happening.
11:11 a.m. — I am on a call and Little Bun starts screaming near the end of my call, because he wanted to presumably ask me how long my call was, WHILE I WAS TALKING ON MY CALL trying to shush him. I end up shoving him outside of the bedroom and locking it to finish my call. His screams start and my lead quickly lets me go.
11:31 a.m. — I come out to a screaming, angry child and I tell him to write me a message next time, and he didn’t respect my “SHUSH” signal (finger up to the mouth) to stay quiet while I am on a call. I am frustrated and tired. We end up talking about it for the next while, and I am really just annoyed.
We finally talk it out, and I repeat in the middle: Remember. Even if I am angry, you’re angry, I’m frustrated, I am scolding you and disappointed, I LOVE YOU. I will love you NO MATTER WHAT. Even if you’re telling me right now you’re angry with me and don’t want to play with me. I still love you, okay? I am your Mommy not your friend. — I think it is important to tell him this. He goes quiet.
12:08 p.m. — Time for lunch. I eat lots of beans and rice.
3:35 p.m. — “When can we vacuum, Mommy? It is on the Busy Worker Plan.” .. this kid is too cute. I tell him right now is fine.
4:05 p.m. — I get a call from my broker, I am staying on until end of the month. Phew.
6:15 p.m. — I try to read some of my book.
7:31 p.m. — You also know you live in a French province when the minister basically tells you to chill out at home in self isolation if you’re stressed and DRINK WINE. I wish I drank (alcohol), but I don’t so .. I’d normally stress eat cake but I am not a baker, so I am going cold turkey.
8:33 p.m. — I cue him for bedtime.
3:00 a.m. — My partner gets up, and Little Bun decides to get up too and gets scolded to go back to sleep.
??:?? — I wake up refreshed. I told him last night he had to try and sleep until 7 a.m. and he tried. I hear him check the clock and come back into the bedroom, and valiantly try to go back to sleep until 7. He is too cute though, so I snuggle him and whisper it is okay as long as it is past 6 a.m.
6:40 a.m. — YAYYYY….!!! I grab his milk, make a tea, and he plays on the floor with stickers “decorating” things. He decorated all my bills, envelopes, receipts…. notebook.
8:15 a.m. — I log in and work.
10:25 a.m. — I get so frustrated with Little Bun and my partner has the nerve to lecture me telling me that my drama is what is causing his drama, and I scream at him: SO F-KING TAKE HIM FROM ME. GIVE ME A GODDAMN F-KING BREAK ONCE IN A F-KING WHILE .. LOTS of F-bombs because you know I am ANGRY.
11:08 a.m. — The electricity goes out. I hope this doesn’t last, I am hungry and want lunch.
12:08 p.m. — I submit my time sheet early for the week because I hate thinking about it, and I end up getting an email not even an hour later company-wide announcing the cutback in hours to 32 a week for everyone including employees. I feel terrible for the employees taking a 20% pay cut because this must be a rough time for them.
12:28 p.m. — I clean up and finish my revamped Budgeting Tool…and it looks INCREDIBLE if I do say so myself. I’m excited I am giving it a whole new look. It’s completely ready for sale:
4:05 p.m. — Little Bun is up from his nap, and I create a colour-by-numbers picture for Little Bun to colour in. He loves it!
5:28 p.m. — “Why are you so cute?“, I ask him. He tells me: Because YOU’RE cute!... and it goes on like that: Why are you so beautiful? Because you’re beautiful!
6:05 p.m. — I want Mommy to feed me, he tells me. I try to get my partner to do it, by asking him to ask Daddy but he refuses. He wants Mommy only. And I have a terrible headache from the see-sawing the weather is doing, but I haul myself up, nauseous, take two melatonia pills (prescribed for nausea) and grab his dinner to feed him.
6:47 p.m. — Hmm. He competently feeds himself rice pudding happily (HE CAN eat on his own, he chooses not to), but with soup or stews that he isn’t really into (they’re full vegan/vegetarian and not salty which is his thing), he is unable to feed himself. Little sneaky bum.
7:10 p.m. — I lie down and read my book while he reads a book with Daddy, gets his teeth brushed, etc. When they’re done, THEN I go and brush my teeth etc (that’s how I get in some extra “Me” time)
8:09 p.m. — We do two Spelunking expeditions with blocks, his Stuffies, a picnic, imaginary bear traps, crocodiles and my house boots as “boats” for each of the Stuffies to find treasure in an old Sephora box filled with blocks.
8:41 p.m. — Time for bed. But as we get into bed, we still have Lucy Lobster to talk about (to make up a story), and then talk about what we loved about today. Then rambly nonsense, before I have to firmly tell him to go to sleep.
??:?? — He is SCREAMING. I don’t even know what, he is screaming, he has jolted me awake and I try to comfort him.
6:30 a.m. — I wake up and care for him, but Little Bun is all “off” today. He is incredibly whiny and there’s something just off with his usually sunny, carefree disposition. I can sense a storm brewing.
10:59 a.m. — Little Bun loses his @$&!#* and I put him in the bedroom for timeout.
11:05 a.m. — After my partner lets him out (I WASN’T GOING TO)…. he runs screaming to me in the living room, crying and losing it. He tells me I locked him in (I DID NOT), and he tells me I can’t lock him in there any more or else he doesn’t love me any more. I tell him to get down off my lap if he doesn’t love me. He gets down, confused by my reaction (you are not using that ‘love’ thing against me, child…), and then stands beside me, repeating how he doesn’t like getting locked in.
11:07 a.m. — He climbs back up on my lap and tells me that locking him in the bedroom makes him not love me any more. I told him he chose THE HARD WAY. He tells me: I CANNOT EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH! I can only speak SOUTH KOREAN when I am angry. O_o …. No one here speaks South Korean, where did he pick that language name up? LOL
11:24 a.m. — Still crying. Still talking about all of this. Finally he calms down and I explain to him he will get put back into the bedroom again for timeout if he chooses THE HARD WAY.
11:37 a.m. — We snuggle together in silence. I also tell him that saying he doesn’t love me any more, is hurtful and untrue. I tell him: Even if you’re angry and frustrated at me, and you say you don’t love me, I will ALWAYS love you no matter what you scream at me. He stays silent. I go on to tell him he shouldn’t say things he will regret later, even though he is furious. I tell him that words hurt, and people can feel hurt with such things, and if you don’t TRULY MEAN IT in your heart, do not say it out loud.
11:42 a.m. — He says: “Mommy, sometimes when people are talking and then they say things.. and then they scream and they talk and ..” <– typical little boy rambly nonsense …. I wait until he is done, and I say: Are you trying to tell Mommy that you’re sorry you told her you didn’t love her but you didn’t mean it because you love her? He nods. I tell him: I accept. I will love you no matter what.
12:05 p.m. — Lunchtime.
1:00 p.m. — He goes down for his nap. But doesn’t really nap.
3:15 p.m. — Up from his nap, my partner seems to have gotten the f-bomb memo from yesterday, so he takes Little Bun and plays with blocks with him on the floor for a full hour which is an eternity, while I do yoga alone in the bedroom and calm down.
5:28 p.m. — He bathes Little Bun and I sit in the living room, working on the new manual for the tool.
6:12 p.m. — I shower and after my shower, I go straight into the bedroom to read while he entertains Little Bun. This is ONE SHOW of ONE DAY of him taking over as a parentand giving me a break. I am expecting this EVERY F-KING DAY.
7:18 p.m. — He reads a book with Little Bun, and finally, confused about all the extra Daddy attention and unsure, Little Bun runs into the bedroom and snuggles with me, kissing on my back as I am on my side, reading (he likes to randomly kiss me anywhere he can reach).
8:09 p.m. — We get ready for bed and then Spelunk twice (these adventures are repetitive but I can handle two runs), and then we tell a Lucy Lobster story together (I start a random story and he tries to prolong it with rambly nonsense), and then we sleep after we tell each other what our favourite things were today.
??:?? p.m. —”GO TO SLEEP, Little Bun, I plead. Mommy is TIRED.”
??:?? — Little Bun is screaming in another language. Not sure which one, sounds like French…
??:?? — I wake up well-rested-ish. Little Bun thunderstomps in and out, squealing: OH MOMMY! IT IS SIX FORTY!!!!
6:40 a.m. — I grab his milk, go out, and log in for the day. I am done soon but I have to still keep working to finish a few things.
7:29 a.m. — He runs in and makes noise to try and wake his father up because he knows Daddy wakes up “around this time” but he doesn’t budge and Little Bun comes out to play Science Games for Kids on a website beside me quietly.
7:43 a.m. — I log in and try to do all the tiny little errands and banking tasks that I always put off until the last minute.
8:29 a.m. — I start the backup of all of my files on these hard drives. I like Seagate or Western Digital hard drives, and they are incredibly reliable:
2:28 p.m. — He is SCREAMING while I am on my conference call, to tell everyone I am no longer on the project. FML … My partner somehow takes him away and calms him down – HE BETTER — and I am mentally exhausted.
3:19 p.m. — These by the way, are fantastic ponte pants from Ann Taylor. They don’t sag, they stretch, they feel great, and are perfect as thick ponte ‘pants’ if you’re into that. They’re a little more expensive than a regular legging but SO WORTH IT. If you’re looking for leggings instead, they have them too that are more legging-y.
3:50 p.m. — Little Bun plays in my closet as I half-heartedly try to clean it up and pack it away. It sounds so … banal but I feel really terrible with low spirits that I cannot dress up with my things in my closet, and go out, just to run errands and feel great. I don’t wear outside clothes inside (and will never), and I also don’t do video calls, so this is all on hold until this virus is over.
4:16 p.m. — Little Bun tells me: “I built a birdhouse!!” …. out of my belts. LOL … I wonder if I can set up an Air BnB for these birds who will come and live here 😉
4:27 p.m. — I do some Peloton yoga and this is so hard!! I LOVE IT.. But it is really tough and very very fast. It is more aerobic than any yoga class I have been to. What I want is something in between boring meditative yoga and this aerobic yoga. This stuff is too fast, so I decide I am going to warm up before it, and then do the actual crazy Peloton yoga, then cut out half way through and finish with some long stretching and practicing handstands, etc.
5:45 p.m. — I take a shower, and feel a lot better.
6:00 p.m. — I make some noodles, trying out my vegan ramen instead of my as-of-late recipe of olive oil with spaghetti.
8:34 p.m. — He tells me: There’s no time for Spelunking Mommy, it is too late. We can just read books and then go to sleep.
9:17 p.m. — Then we go to sleep after a Lucy the Lobster story.
6:00 a.m. — Little Bun wakes up. He’s a little grumpy but for sure he won’t be going back to sleep. I try to get him to nap again but he won’t, and starts throwing a fit. I snuggle him, and then I get up and get his milk.
7:25 a.m. — After snuggling on the floor, I get him started on his science games website. He likes Tic-Tac-Toe on there and looking at lots of different numbers. He has some sort of obsession with numbers….
8:08 a.m. — I do all of my little banking tasks again, it is quiet, he is quiet, my brain is fresh .. ish.. I am trying to get motivated with this – Sasa is one of my favourite illustrators of all time:
Also, this one:
9:28 a.m. — I make a cup of matcha tea, and then am kind of hungry, so I feed Little Bun and myself some pasta with just plain olive oil and salt. It’s simple but delicious.
9:40 a.m. — I force myself to wash my face. I have been so bad about this because I don’t go out, so I don’t bother washing as I won’t put on sunscreen…. I only wash it at night, and some pimples have popped up as a result of my lax behaviour.
11:05 a.m. — My partner is home after going out to get groceries and mail. He’s quarantining my purchases in a room to make sure the virus dies beforehand.
2:15 p.m. — I make some lunch – more pasta.
2:50 p.m. — I am slowly working through my data backups, transfers, etc.
4:56 p.m. — I think about doing yoga, but I end up not doing it. I feel so tired. Mentally, physically.
5:15 p.m. — I make a third meal, I am surprisingly hungry. Little Bun plays with his father and comes out pink-cheeked and breathing hard from all the running and jumping around the bedroom with two socks made into balls to throw around.
6:21 p.m. — I continue with my data transfers, thinking of what I can backup and remove from my laptop — it is so full and packed of crap, I need to streamline.
7:13 p.m. — Little Bun reads books with me and his father, and then gets ready for bed. He wants to Spelunk but I have no energy for it, so I ask if we can just watch videos and cuddle, and he agrees. I read my books while he watches videos in my lap and I feel calmer.
9:30 p.m. — Time to sleep. I let him watch an extra video and tell him: No Lucy Lobster stories, since we had a second video.
??:?? — Little Bun wakes up and checks the clock every 15 minutes, annoying me and not letting me sleep until it is 6 a.m.
6:00 a.m. — He runs back in eagerly again: MOMMY! IT IS SIX !!!... and waits in bed for his milk.
7:59 a.m. — He ends up playing Science games, snuggling, reading books…. until Daddy is awake. He bothers his father a bit because he knows today is crêpe day. He goes and pokes him a few times until my partner gets the hint and gets up, and makes the batter.
8:08 a.m. — I see this and my heart warms:
8:45 a.m. — I finish all the dishes and dried it all off, so my partner has a clean kitchen and I don’t need to think about it again.
8:59 a.m. — I fire up a second laptop and go through a list of things I have to get done, more data backups, transfers, etc. I even invest in a VPN because I cannot stream videos from the U.S. that I love to watch, just because I am in Canada. So far, I am loving this one: Proton VPN (no referral or anything), and it is free… but it gives you the premium version for 7 days to suck you into paying for it. If the Free version sucks after 7 days, I am willing to upgrade for sure.
9:12 a.m. — I spend the ENTIRE DAY trying to upgrade through all the versions of my Mac from Mountain Lion to Yosemite to El Capitan to Sierra and on and on until Catalina (it has been more than a minute.. I’ll tell you what.)
1:00 p.m. — After a break of crepes, Little Bun goes down for a nap.
4:19 p.m. — Up from his nap, I am still upgrading. This is a whole day process, and I am watching videos in the background – like Emeril Eats the World (he is SO SWEET!)
5:28 p.m. — I finish all the dishes, my partner cleans the entire oven from top to bottom, removing the burners, cleaning them down, etc…
6:38 p.m. — I am hungry. Little Bun announces he is hungry too. I decide to feed myself first, and I spoon out stew for him and tell him my partner will feed him instead. I am not doing this every night – I have basically fed him every night for 6 years, and it is time someone else takes over.
7:42 p.m. — My partner gets into watching the episodes with me, and then goes to play “ball” with Little Bun before reading a book to him, and then brushing teeth and bedtime.
8:15 p.m. — I finally get to wash my face, and bedtime.
??:?? — SCREAMING. FLAT OUT SCREAMING. He somehow made it to the end of the bed, went OFF onto the floor, and is shivering without blankets while sleeping. WTF. I go, and lug this 60lb+ sack of potatoes-worth child back up towards his side (thank goodness we are on a futon on a floor) and tuck him in. Now I have to try and go back to sleep. This is what my life is like at night, so when it looks like I am getting 8+ hours of sleep, I am not – it is fragmented and it sucks.
6:00 a.m. — I wake up early with Little Bun who squeals: I don’t wanna wait until seven a.m. to wake up!!! … FINE.. Fiiiiiiine…
7:59 a.m. — I make a cup of tea, and continue upgrading all of my laptops.
To give you an idea, I haven’t updated this stuff since Mountain Lion, and if you look at this list, that was 7 releases ago. Like over 5+ years. Each of these upgrades, takes at least 2 hours. One to download, another to install and setup .. so 16 hours per laptop.
- macOS Catalina 10.15.4
- macOS Mojave 10.14.6
- macOS High Sierra 10.13.6
- macOS Sierra 10.12.6
- OS X El Capitan 10.11.6
- OS X Yosemite 10.10.5
- OS X Mavericks 10.9.5
- OS X Mountain Lion 10.8.5 — where I was on my laptops……. *sigh*
I even had to go and try to Time Machine Backup another Macbook, to get it to override the Mountain Lion one because it is no longer available for download… O_o … and that took a day to resolve as I had to figure it out on my own without any help from an Apple store person who could easily look at it and help me upgrade it in no time.
11:11 a.m. — Still working on the laptops. I also get Little Bun hooked on If you Give a Mouse a Cookie, the TV series which is very engaging and well done.
12:28 p.m. — My partner installs a keypad lock on our bedroom bathroom because Little Bun has been VERY curious and going in there, playing with things, rearranging bowls and things in there then giggling like a banshee at how funny he is. We store a lot of toilet paper, soap and heavy boxes in there. I don’t want any of it to fall on him, and my partner set up the lock to keep him out unless we’re around.
12:56 p.m. — Little Bun watches the installation curiously, and then afterwards says to me: Mommy, what’s the passcode? You can tell me! I promise I won’t enter it!! I just want to know. I. sideeye him and give him a fake passcode.
1:38 p.m. — He goes down for his nap and I take this time to organize my files and get caught up on things that need brainwork. For 2 hours, I get to think in peace. Everyone else is napping. Needless to say, these 2 hours FLY BY FAAAASST!!
3:00 p.m. — After his nap (he didn’t nap), he watches some more videos while I go back to trying to FIX THIS DAMN LAPTOP.
6:01 p.m. — I try to do yoga but my body won’t let me.
7:38 p.m. — Cue for bedtime. He reads with Daddy, brushes teeth, plays “ball” in the bedroom and then we all go to sleep after 2 videos cuddling together on the bed.
8:50 p.m. — It has been a long week. I try to breathe in a little and meditate before sleeping.
Want more? Read all of my previous Week of Money Diaries.
I’d definitely recommend checking out the gentle mama on Instagram. And thrivinglittles as well. She’s great. It’ll help with the anger both you and your son have and how to manage it so he can feel heard and validated. It explains how emotional regulation is important for little ones to see and how time out doesn’t really help them. It’s helped me a lot. The melt downs are no more and my little one listens better. Therefore I feel more calm. Good luck, you’re doing great!
omg, still remember if u give a mouse a cookie from elementary school. And I STILL LOVE IT!
They’ll ask u for some milk.
They’ll ask u for a mirror.
They’ll ask u for a comb.
Foot in the door technique .
Pretty sure that librarian who read that to me has passed away by now. He was fairly old back then already.