Trying to keep focus on what I am doing right instead of wrong
So. We all know that it is a critical period in humanity. It is now or never, that we change our habits before the Earth is well and truly spent.
We have a chance to stop climate change. We knew it at least 50 years ago and did jack squat, but we are reaching the point of no return.
We have had world leaders, and companies promise to “do better” but they haven’t met ANY of those goals, and in fact in Canada, they reversed the credit for electric cars which was meant to switch people off gasoline, and now there is no incentive for the common Jane or Joe to buy a hybrid or an electric car – to pay more for the vehicle, and yes they can save on gas itself, but … I’m just really sad.
So why am I going on a hippie rant about the earth? Because for the past few weeks, I have been truly beating myself up mentally over what I have done.
I have been criticizing myself to the point where I find it difficult to fall asleep.
I sleep nightly with the idea that I am ruining the Earth because of X, Y and Z habits, and it is exhausting me.
Not just environmental issues, either.
I realized just this morning, that I need to focus on what I am doing right, one small ant in a world of giants, and to try better and better.
I am committed to no more retail purchases, which will not only help my wallet, but I am also going to strive to limit what I actually do buy — this is very hard.
I want to do without it, or find it secondhand.
I also need to start evaluating how I buy food. I am going to bring containers to the grocery store, find places that sell in bulk, and eliminate plastic use.
My problem with this, is the origin of said products – a lot of countries have massive pollution that is in the food itself depending on where it is grown. Matcha tea for instance, comes from Japan, but it is relatively far enough away from the radiation spill that happened, that I feel safe enough to drink it from Japan.
Seaweed on the other hand, is harvested from the oceans, and will definitely have absorbed radiation from the massive nuclear spill. So, I am looking for seaweed not made in Japan, and thus far, have found that VitaminSea the company, harvests it from Maine.
I am going to have to make my own sushi now, and not buy it because it comes in plastic trays, with a fake piece of plastic grass (WHY)…
A lot of what I buy sometimes ONLY comes in plastic bags or boxes. I am unable to find spinach just hanging out by itself to buy in bulk (thus far), and I am visiting a farmer’s market today to see if it is any better.
This is just the tip of the iceberg, the stress I am now putting on myself to eliminate plastic. I want to also find vegetable bags, and use them to go shopping in a grocery store instead of the plastic ones they have.
..And my parenting
On top of all that, I am stressed because I am wondering if I am a good mother. I know I am, but sometimes, I just .. I just lose my patience and scream, and that’s not who I wanted to be, but kids really push you to the limit to the point where you can’t even remember what your name is.
I realized that I need to stop giving so much to Little Bun. So much of myself. During the day, at nights, any time I am at home, he is on me like cling wrap.
I need to start telling him more often – This is now Mommy’s time to read her book.
I find it hard to do that because I keep having this little voice in my head saying —
…but you’ll never get this time back. You will wish you spent MORE time with him.
And yes, that is true. I am already nostalgic for when he was 18 months old, running around in a diaper, giggling with socks as mittens….
But I think that is going to be like that no matter how much time I spend with him and how involved I am. It just is.
I am always going to be nostalgic and wistful about the time “lost” or that has passed. It is just that now I have to make the decision to tell myself that I can truly enjoy the time with him by ENJOYING the time with him and having mental sanity…
……or I can fake enjoy the time with him by forcing myself to unhappily spend ever moment with him to try and “cherish it all”, when in fact, I am quite resentful about not having space.
As a slight introvert (I am ambivert, which means I am both extroverted and introverted), I really do need quiet time to sit and recharge. So, that’s something I need to work on.
Then, we come to food.
Eating less meat, less dairy, eating more vegetables… this is all not that much of a change because I never really ate that much meat to begin with, but now when I do eat meat, I feel guilty.
Or with cashews – I finally found that soaking and blending cashews with water was PERFECT for smoothies, but then I find out how labour-intensive cashews are, and how toxic they are for the workers who have to shell them…by hand.
It is like you take one step forward and two back.
Lastly, my parents..
They spend so much and waste so much on eating out which is terrible for them (they have health issues like diabetes), and they have been fighting much more in the past few years than ever before (but won’t divorce), and are WASTING, just BURNING money on lottery tickets hoping they will be the next ones who “deserve to win it all”.
I … I am trying to step back and say — it is not my money, it is not my problem, let them live the way they want… but in a way it is. They’re my parents.
They have saved nothing in the years of working, and not from a lack of income, from a lack of my father basically not wanting to work (only worked part-time for most of his life, IF THAT), and my mother working but then just spending every damn penny in her bank account.
If something goes wrong, it’s on us to take care of them physically and financially, as they have nothing.
At the very least, we have all agreed that their home will be their nest egg. They will sell it, and we will split the parents if we have to, and use that money for their care.
I am really getting tired.
I am definitely overthinking all of this, but it is now becoming an issue as it is constantly on my mind, interfering with my enjoyment of life, all of this guilt I feel with EVERYTHING I am doing these days.
I even feel bad for having A/C on, for the havoc it wreaks on the environment as well.
I just need to work through this slowly, is my goal.
I need to take it one step at a time, find a good seaweed source, buy from them consistently, and go from there, onto the next step, then the next.
And yet, I have nothing to really complain about.
I mean, all of this just sounds like f*cked up First World whining #%(# to me.
People are escaping countries, their children are dying at borders or separated from them, they don’t have food to eat, they’re in diseased countries where famine is rampant, and here I am, sitting in a safe, First World country, very VERY well off compared to peers of my age, taking it easy, having a f#%*ing GREAT LIFE.
How and why am I even complaining over the strain of buying cashews? Or eating less meat? People don’t even have money for FOOD.
I feel like a privileged brat. I really do. And that hurts as well.