I think your parents are very lucky to have a daughter who feels like you.

However, from what I’ve seen in this world, parents of only boys are usually not so lucky in this respect (although I do love boys – and girls).

Think about it: how many a woman have you met who would like her parents-in-law to move in with her and her husband or partner? I haven’t seen many.

Also, women are, more often than not, closer to their own parents than they are to their in-laws. (Regardless of the reasons, this is just the way things are.) And the man usually goes along with what the woman wants if he wants to see her happy.

Moreover, unless a couple practices the “her money/his money” arrangement, a man will usually not be able to help his parents out with money because the woman will likely not like it. But women are more likely to help their own blood relatives instead, even out of the communal pot.

Sometimes, even unmarried men are not so helpful to their parents as women are. Not all of them, but I feel that many men are more detached, self-centered and don’t like or have patience with such things that they would consider burdens. They might help once in a while, but don’t have the same involvement as women. (I hope to be wrong.)

As a parenthesis, I did have an old Italian friend (he’s no longer alive) who took care of all of his older relatives (parents, uncles, aunts) in his own house; he was a caring man, but he was also very stubborn and wouldn’t care about anyone’s opinion, including that of his wife.

Finally, I have yet to see a woman who would have her in-laws move in with her and be ok with that.

I did help support my family for a while after my dad got sick with an unknown illness and had to shut down his business. They almost lost their house. Luckily, (?) a few years ago, my dad was diagnosed with a condition that resulted from chemical exposure during the Vietnam War, and the government now provides a generous stipend and covers all of his medical bills. They are still digging their way out of debt incurred during the earlier years using this money.

Even though they have enough to live on, I still give money to my mom to help pay for her to enjoy her retirement. She always wanted to go traveling, and now she can, in part thanks to my $$. I think of it as a tiny portion of what I owe her for raising me, giving me a wonderful start to life, and helping to send me to college. I don’t expect her to have $$ issues later in life, after my dad passes–she is like me and very careful with her money and a good planner.

I expect that my sister will need some assistance after my parents both pass. She is bi-polar and has a lot of co-morbid conditions that make her unable to work or go to school or even take care of herself most days. She is on disability, has a case manager, psychiatrist, and therapist, and lives in an adult group home, but that does not cover everything she needs. For example, she was complaining to everyone about a toothache for several months but they refused to take her to the dentist. I was with her one day and she fully lost the tooth right there in front of me–it was a shell, the rest had rotted out of her head. They just do not give her the attention and care that she needs. My parents try to fill in the gaps for her but my dad is battling cancer now and my mom has him to take care of, plus health issues of her own to deal with. They should not be expected to provide full care for their 40 year old grown daughter at 70 years old!!

I do not know how this will work and I am scared. I will never live close to my home state where my sister gets care, partially because I cannot find a job in my career anywhere near there, and also because I could not be happy there. Also, I have issues with just giving her money when I know it will just go to buying cigarettes or junk food (she spends her money on these things the same day she gets any discretionary money, she does not have the skills/impulse control to save up). I do not want to contribute further to her health issues. The alternative is that she passes at the same time or before both my parents pass–this is very likely and doctors have warned her about this because she has diabetes and a lot of health conditions as well as severe mental illness. I just hope she doesn’t suffer too much.

It is a tough situation, but one I hope is far far in the future.