Know what’s unsexier, romance-killing and more transactional than asking for your fair share? Divorce.
On Instagram @saverspender, I post about 3X a day in regular posts, but my Stories are where I put my daily life – photos of things I am doing, seeing, notes, thoughts, whatever.
Recently, I posted a message from a self-proclaimed professional dater who only dates millionaires or billionaires, this moron wrote:
Why I will never pay for a man! I will make sure I’m always able to take care of myself, that I have money, savings, education, work experience & independence. BUT, the man is financially responsible. He pays. Regardless if it’s my friend, father, boyfriend, husband, gay friend. Biologically men are fitted to provide more than women. (Doesn’t mean a woman cannot or shouldn’t ever make money! She is a gatherer so she is resourceful & fully capable to deliver 💰if she has to)
But a woman has MORE expenses than a man. A woman has MORE biological responsibilities than a man. Society pays women 30% LESS for the same job a man would do. A woman has a hormonal 30 day cycle that slows her down while a man has a 24 hour cycle that optimizes him to provide. Women have biologically MORE DISADVANTAGES when it comes to being a provider, while nature optimized everything so it’s easier for the man to provide (like his daily flow of testosterone as an example!) Ladies who are with me on this one, share your stats & facts on this topic so we can prove together to the world that modern day feminism is becoming UNFAIR towards the woman. It’s serving men more than off-loading the shoulders of women. I want to hear your voice.
Did you manage to read that nonsense?
It doesn’t even sound like it comes from someone sane and coherent, but anyway.
She in one breath, says she promotes being financially independent and responsible, and yet the man should be the one totally responsible for everything.
There are a lot of women (and men?) who follow her on Instagram and YouTube and she has made a living out of spewing this crap, so I posted it and basically wrote:
Traditional feminism = Lazy AF woman who doesn’t want to do sh#&t but get all the benefits
So.. I get a direct message about this, and this woman asks me why I am so against what she is saying, seeing as I am a feminist (I prefer the term Equalist because feminist is very confusing), as don’t I as a good feminist have to support all women in their endeavours?
I explain bluntly that this idiotic woman is spewing nonsense, and you cannot be both financially independent and dependent on a man’s money 100% and consider him the one in charge of all the money and finances, setting everyone and the women’s movement back 50 years.
I then plainly say – if you stay at home, and work from home, you are entitled to that money earned outside the home. If you don’t ask for it, that’s on you.
She comes back with this:
She doesn’t take the hint and writes:
So I basically tell her she’s an idiot, and block her.
Marriages are not perfect and romantic like a fairytale
Everyone else knows that marriages are hard work. They are partnerships.
Maybe in the past, there were dumb women’s magazines with headlines like:
How to please your man! Men don’t like these 5 things women do…
How to get a full dinner on the table, while wearing high heels, an apron, a full face of makeup and naughty lingerie underneath for afterwards!
How not to annoy your man and treat him like the king he is
I shuddered just typing them out, frankly.
What these headlines really mean to me are:
How to suppress who you are and what your needs are, for the sake of your husband and family, and eliminate yourself completely to the point where you are numb and invisible to life
These are old views from the patriarchy that no longer hold true because women were heavily medicated in the 50s to numb their lives to the point where they felt nothing.
They killed themselves trying to be a perfect mother and wife, but not a woman with her own needs and interests.
These women drank in the day, and turned to pills to try and suppress themselves to become docile, perfect housewives. Who wants that in a wife? I wouldn’t, if I were a man.
Even today, I see mothers losing it, trying to do it all. I don’t do it all and never have. In fact, I REFUSE TO DO IT ALL. Why should I? WTF would my partner do? Where is he in all of this?
For any man or woman who thinks that men cooking at home, doing dishes, running errands, taking care of THEIR children, are being emasculated, or that it isn’t very “manly” – I say these words to you:
You are an idiot.
These are LIFE SKILLS. They have no gender.
Every man and woman should be able to, at a basic level, do their own laundry, clean, cook, watch a baby, child, organize their life, handle their finances, make money, and organize their life. It’s just called being an adult.
Feminism doesn’t mean JUST the good stuff, it comes with the bad
If you take gender out of it and said it but with the genders in reverse:
A man thought his wife should go out and work 100% of the time, support him and it was her responsibility, because men have more expenses and hormones, etc you’d feel awkward right?
This proves it is gender-related, which. … is not the point of equality at all.
So the above, spouting it in the name of “traditional feminism” (which is basically the patriarchy), means to me that she is a lazy AF woman who wants all the good — no money or financial responsibility at all — but none of the bad — taking on the responsibility and role of being truly financially responsible by either ALSO working outside of the home, or working inside the home but having a portion of the pay go to the one who is at home.
That’s not what equal rights means at all to me.
Think of individuals working inside and outside the home as being part of a team / family unit
Whoever works outside of the home, brings money in for the family. Whoever works inside the home, is EQUALLY VALUED and should have a portion of that money.
If someone works outside of home and makes X amount of money, the person who works inside the home, gets X of it as well, because you are sharing the tasks (of making money and of caring for the family and home), and you are sharing VALUED hours of work both inside and outside the home.
I am not, like this woman is proclaiming, to ask for a cheque each time you change a diaper, or make a meal. This is ridiculous to even think that in the first place, which means she hasn’t even thought through her own position, frankly. She doesn’t understand what she is saying and doesn’t know what she stands for.
This doesn’t mean you should do it all
I am not saying that the woman should do ALL THE WORK in the home AND also hold down a job to be financially independent. What are you, nuts?
I am saying to split the tasks and the work FAIRLY amongst the team, because it simply isn’t fair that anyone who works outside of the home gets to keep all the money and dole out only a portion of it, while the one at home who does just as much work (presumably), has nothing to show for it.
Imagine a house husband – he stays at home, and the wife works. I see absolutely nothing wrong with this if that’s how you want to run it.
The wife’s pay then, should be allocated to the household (jointly, with kids), and then a portion of that pay goes to her, and a portion goes to him to spend equally.
And imagine how same-sex couples deal with this, with no traditional “male” or “female” role? I feel like they’d be the most equal of all, without gender to take into account of these confusing stereotypes.
Work at home is invisible and undervalued
I am asking for anyone who stays at home to ASK FOR THEIR WORTH.
It is up to YOU to ask for the money to set aside in YOUR personal accounts for savings and/or investments.
It is all fine and dandy to have joint accounts, and joint this, and joint that, but if anything happens – accounts are frozen, your partner runs off with all the money, or loses it all in some way, you need to have access to emergency money that no one else can touch but you.
If you need to be able to leave any kind of abusive relationship — financially abusive (you know, the kind where you don’t even have a debit or credit card because you’re “irresponsible with money”, and you have to go to your partner each time for money which is NONSENSE), physically or emotionally abusive (emotional abuse leaves no bruises or telltale scars), then you need to be able to GET. THE. F&*CK. OUT.
People who work inside the home, should be compensated fairly if they don’t work outside the home as well.
In the past, mothers, grandmothers — all did this with zero complaining and “whining” (I hate this word to describe this), because they didn’t realize they could ask for a fair share of what is their right, and an EQUAL allocation of outside income for the FAMILY. As a team. As a UNIT.
Now, we know better. What we do at home is NOT undervalued, is NOT “nothing” (it saves on food costs, daycare, cleaning costs, etc)… and is worth something, otherwise why the hell are they at home if they are doing “nothing”?
To say that women “get to stay at home in luxury” (OMG ALL THE LOLS), and not work at all, and should STFU and not complain about anything because they should be GRATEFUL and THANKFUL they get to do it, wrangle children 24/7, do all the cleaning, cooking, and household chores, is beyond ridiculous.
To say that — means you do not value the work in the home. You don’t value any of it, nor see it, nor respect it.
- Imagine if you stopped cleaning — how much is a cleaner?
- Imagine if you stopped cooking — how much is a meal outside?
- Imagine if you stopped taking care of the kids — how much is daycare/nanny cost?
These roles and jobs have a value.
That said — I must note that I still DO NOT AGREE with saying that a woman at home should be paid “a six-figure salary like a CEO”, and all that other feminist-directed nonsense that I have read floating around the internet. The only two I agree with are nanny/daycare & cleaners – I suspect I do as good of a job as either of these professionals.
Home cooking is not the cooking of a 3-star Michelin chef. It really isn’t.
Organizing the household is not the same as a CEO running a Fortune 500 company – the stress, the responsibility, are all completely different if you also have thousands of employees to manage, etc.
So while these roles and jobs have value, they have value in the context of a realistic task and level of responsibility for a home, not one where someone does it for an actual living and as a career.
I have to right to not support women who are idiots
I also reserved the right to NOT SUPPORT WOMEN I do not agree with at all.
Just as I don’t support men I don’t agree with at all.
Just because you’re a woman doesn’t give you a free pass for me to just blindly accept and support whatever tripe you’re spewing. I support individuals, regardless of gender, and if you’re spewing dumb crap, you’re an idiot.
Know what’s unsexy, awkward, transactional and romance-killing? A divorce.
What happens if he leaves you and all you have are joint accounts which by the way, he has cleared 100% because he is trying to make sure you suffer without a single penny.
Think this is vindictive? It HAS HAPPENED. It happens ALL THE TIME.
People who try to leave any kind of abusive relationship, when they have joint accounts, are shocked when they go to withdraw money from those accounts only to find them completely wiped clean.
They may even be married to attorneys who know the law and all of these law-enforcement folk so well, that they can make life MISERABLE for you to even file a complaint against them, to go to the police, to find a lawyer, or to get any help at all.
Or if they’re rich and/or influential, they just tell their friends in places to “cut my ex-wife off”, and you’ll have very few options left to deal with the situation.
You’re left with NOTHING.
NOWHERE TO GO
Does that sound like a situation you want to be in?
What are you going to do? What if you don’t have a line of credit, credit card, or even a credit score?
You have nowhere to go. Nothing to grab onto. Nothing to use to even put a first and last month’s deposit on a new rental, let alone a hostel for the night.
What if your family rejects you too because they’re scared of the lashback? What if your friends desert you?
Now imagine toting along a child or more into this nightmare.
I am not making up stuff here. I am recollecting from various horror stories of women over the years from comments to messages to emails, to just reading articles, that is culminating this entire viewpoint I am trying to shove down your throats today.
What I am trying to drive home day after day as a result is this:
Value yourself and who you are as a person.
Value your work inside (or outside!) the home.
Know your worth and ask for what is FAIR.
This is why you should have your own credit card and score in your name only (not a joint card), a separate bank account and/or savings and investments IN YOUR NAME ONLY. You need emergency money just in case things go sideways, even if they never do.
No one ever, EVER imagines that this will happen, nor wants it to happen. We all end up with each other, starting families or not, but things happen, and you have to be prepared or else look back on the day you read this article, scoffed at it, and wished you had done something about your money.
On top of that, understand your money, how to invest it, and manage it on your own. You can’t leave this knowledge up to someone else – what if they leave you?
WHAT IF THEY ARE DUMB AF and lose it all? (This ALSO happens.)
No one will ever be able to control me with money
Not my family, my partner, my son, an employer, or anyone out there.
That’s the bottom line for me, and the line for everyone.
I made up my mind early on that no one will ever be able to control me with money – either by dangling an inheritance over my head, or forcing me to give up my job so that they can go out and work and bring home all the money and lord it over me, nor tell me I have to stay in a toxic job or environment because I need the money because of a lack of budgeting skills or heavy debts.
Know why? Because I am financially independent.
I CHOOSE to be with my partner. I CHOOSE this life with him.
I don’t need him or his money, and never will, but I CHOOSE him.
I also know if anything happens, I am more than capable to take on anything alone as a single parent. I can and will do it and I will continue to maintain the same level of lifestyle I have now, with no changes.
I am not afraid of anything because I am designing my life to be just the way I want and I make my own choices.