How to stop caring about people who whine about their lives but are too lazy to change
For most people this is true — you don’t necessarily need more money to be happy, you just need to change the way you see your life.
You can truly choose to see your life as a big pile of crap, full of missed opportunities, or inability to “make it” like the others around you, or you can see it for what it is — full of great things, like a family that loves you unconditionally, and being happy and content for who you are at the core.
YOUR HAPPINESS IS PSYCHOLOGICAL, NOT FINANCIAL
It has frustrated me to no end in the past when I hear people tell me that their life sucks because of any of these reasons:
- They have a crappy diploma they can’t use to get a better job
- They need more money (“need” being relative, as these folks make $50,000+)
- ALL of their problems would be solved if they had more money
- They don’t see anything wrong with other (richer) relatives subsidizing their life
- … in fact, they expect that if you’re richer than they are, your money is their money
I am working on trying not to get frustrated when I hear these things because in the end, it just annoys me more than I think.
I internalize such anger and frustration at these ridiculous statements, when in fact their lives have nothing to do with how I want to live my life.
So my new rule is to just avoid these folks in an attempt to stop causing myself grief.
This is hard to just stop seeing and caring about these people, but it’s really taking up a lot of time and making me angry each time I think about it.
The fact of the matter is that I get angry because I care… perhaps a little too much.
I just want to see them happy and that’s where I get suckered into helping them, and essentially wasting my time on people who don’t care.
So now, I avoid seeing them, I avoid interacting with them, and I’ve effectively limited this source of frustration from my life which is far more beneficial to my well-being and mental health.
I have to learn to NOT care because even though I can talk myself blue in the face giving advice, help, connecting them with people, and giving them everything but the actual steps to a better career and life… they don’t care enough to follow my advice.
IF THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT THEMSELVES, WHY SHOULD I?
If the next time I see them, it’s the same goddamn whining and problems all over again, then I’m the idiot.
I’m the real donkey here who thought that they actually wanted to change their lives instead of bitching about it all the time.
In the end, they just like bitching and complaining, and my nature is to want to help them to my own detriment and destruction.
I think this would be a lot harder if they were my kids, but luckily, they’re only relatives and casual friends.
Your happiness is truly in your mind.
It has nothing to do with your career, your crappy diploma, your dead-end job or the way you think your life should have been.
IF ANYONE CARES, HERE ARE MY TIPS (SO FAR) ON BEING HAPPIER
- Stop comparing yourself to others. You are not your sister/brother/cousin/friend.
- Look at your own life (examine it hard!) and find all the great things in it.
- If you must compare then compare your life to someone who lives in Africa and has to walk miles to get basics like clean water, or in Brazil living in favelas.
- Understand that having more money or a better job comes with more WORK & stress.
- Understand that having more money doesn’t insulate you from having to live life.
- Cut out any repetitive sources of frustration and grief from your life – you don’t need it.
SO, HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THESE WHINERS?
Hell to the yeah sista!
The comparison of one’s behind closed doors life to another’s outward life (i.e. FB, material posessions) drives me the most crazy. I always tell people everyone has problems, not just you, no matter how great their life may appear to be.
Happiness is internal, not external once basic life needs are met. The hierarchy of needs also comes into play.
Oh, Mochimac, I love this post! Seventy million thumbs WAY up! Wow.
Yes, I am of the helping type. It’s been to my detriment for tooooo long. I have wasted countless hours on people who simply don’t try. I’m sure they care about their lives (who doesn’t?), but I don’t think they want to actually do the hard work to change their circumstances. I have, like JaneSavers, quietly rid myself of some people. I don’t think people change all that much personality wise, and I just got sick of it. It was not good for my health. I am much happier!
If you are going to be a donkey, at least make some waffles! 🙂
Mochimac!!! The more I focus on me, the less time I have to listen to the whiners. They sort of get bumped out because I am doing all the things they ought to be doing. I love that you have the balls to write as you do. You make sense unlike most people I know.
Jane Savers @ Solving The Money Puzzle
I quietly dumped a friend a year back because she was too whiney and I just couldn’t listen to it any more. I did not tell her I was dumping her because she was whiney. I just started being busy and forgetting to return her calls.
I did not tell her I was dumping her as a friend because it would have just given her something else to whine about.
This is one of the reasons why I quit Facebook. Like you, I internalise other people’s anger and frustration, and where there are a lot of whining and very little action (be it in personal finance or life and happiness in general) – I get bogged down.
Now I focus on being friends with people who knows the value of hard work and are confident in themselves. I think that each of us feed each other “good energy” and results in a better equilibrium for our lives in general.
Ok THANK YOU.
I really needed to read this. It’s very well written and compassionate, I mean, it’s not from a narcissistic point of view (I avoid anything that doesn’t make me feel good). It’s a kind person’s point of view. A kind person who has had JUST ABOUT ENOUGH !!!!
I quote : “having more money or a better job comes with more work & stress” and “having more money doesn’t insulate you from having to live life”. You really found the right words to describe certain mentalities that ,once installed, seem impossible to change.
I’ve had my share of such people in my life and they really drained my time, energy and wallet. I was taking all their whining seriously, trying my best to help them. It took me months, in some cases years before I finally realised all the whining was just a hook. It’s their method for looking for an enabler. They NEVER had ANY intention of actually solving their problems from the start. Some of them are really good manipulators (even if they are not very conscious about it). After all, that’s how they have learned to survive all their lives, being as lazy and irresponsible as they. They have really mastered the art of making you feel responsible for them just because you have more money (which, as you brilliantly say, the consider their money).