People think with all this money I make in such a short amount of time, I should always be happy but money doesn’t change who you are or how you feel above a comfortable income.
Well.. lately, I have not been THAT happy, I’ve actually been pretty stressed out and losing my mind.
These are just rambly thoughts but..
I YELL AT BABY BUN ALL THE TIME NOW THEN FEEL AWFUL
For stupid things.
Then I feel so bad afterwards.
Did he deserve it? NO. NOT AT ALL.
I feel like the worst mother and worst parent on the planet when I do it but in the moment, I cannot help myself, I lose it.
I am very impulsive and it is a character trait I am trying to get under control but.. I just flare up like a fire.
He is only freakin’ 2 years old, but at 9 p.m. (after we fell asleep at 7 p.m.) and then again at 1 a.m. and then again at 4 a.m., I WAS LOSING IT.
He kept waking up and crying and shifting around, refusing to stay in his bed…
I just lost it.
I LOST IT.
I screamed & swore at him, I was so frustrated, tired, exhausted, angry and I was at my breaking point.
I JUST WANTED TO SLEEP.
Is this going to be my life forever? No. He will grow up and learn, but right now, for the next 3 years I think I am going to be at my wit’s end, or at least at different ends as he ages (soon it’ll be talking about sex and drugs.)
Partly due to me losing it is because….
…NOW I AM ALONE AT HOME TAKING CARE OF HIM 24/7
I am off contract. He is at home with me FULL TIME. I take care of him, literally 24/7.
It is driving me up the wall.
My partner is sick, so he is quarantining himself in a room and refusing to see a doctor and it has been OVER A WEEK he has been sick.
Yet he is fine enough to go to work, although I will say to his credit he doesn’t go out and do stuff, he goes to work, comes home and crashes in the bed in the dark, listening to music and then falling asleep.
Meanwhile, I am alone with this squealing, almost-verbal toddler who doesn’t understand what life is about yet because HE IS ONLY 2 and I have zero support.
My family lives 8 hours away, his family lives 15 hours away by plane… and there is no one I can call on to come over and to hang out and give me some peace of mind.
I FEEL SO ALONE IN THIS CITY
We are literally alone in this city, and I have zero friends here.
He has friends here, but we rarely see them because he’s a bit of an anti-social introvert. I am sure he meets up with them but it is always alone and never with us as a family, which bothers me greatly but I understand he needs alone time too.
I just wish he understood that I need alone time as well, and that I emotionally need a physical in-person social network, even if he doesn’t.
Sure, I have colleagues, I have work friends from previous projects, but I don’t have any FRIENDS. People I can call up and say:
I am about to lose it, can you come over and entertain The Bun while I pass out on the floor?
I have no one to call to just be with.
I also do not want to make friends with other Mommies in the building (I know one is a stay at home mother, and the other recently went back to work) just because we have kids around the same age.
I think there is one mother I can be friends with, but I don’t want to be pushy and I do not want to be THAT mother. That desperate one that tries to strike up a friendship just because we seem to be alike and we have kids of the same age.
I don’t want friends out of the sake of having friends, I want MY FRIENDS.
MY. PEOPLE. who understand me and get me.
Yeah, the market is tanking, the economy is down, I have more than 30 years of work left ahead of me and I will eventually retire in 20 years or earlier, I am not worried about that.. much.
I am still grateful and happy that I am able to have such problems and to not have to worry about working for the next 5 years if I wanted, but right now, I don’t care.
Money doesn’t solve everything.