In Career, Discussions, Discussions, Discussions, Life, Money, Parenting

Having lots of money doesn’t really make you happy

People think with all this money I make in such a short amount of time, I should always be happy but money doesn’t change who you are or how you feel above a comfortable income.

Well.. lately, I have not been THAT happy, I’ve actually been pretty stressed out and losing my mind.

These are just rambly thoughts but..

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I YELL AT BABY BUN ALL THE TIME NOW THEN FEEL AWFUL

For stupid things.

Then I feel so bad afterwards.

Did he deserve it? NO. NOT AT ALL.

I feel like the worst mother and worst parent on the planet when I do it but in the moment, I cannot help myself, I lose it.

I am very impulsive and it is a character trait I am trying to get under control but.. I just flare up like a fire.

He is only freakin’ 2 years old, but at 9 p.m. (after we fell asleep at 7 p.m.) and then again at 1 a.m. and then again at 4 a.m., I WAS LOSING IT.

He kept waking up and crying and shifting around, refusing to stay in his bed…


I just lost it.

I LOST IT.

I screamed & swore at him, I was so frustrated, tired, exhausted, angry and I was at my breaking point.

I JUST WANTED TO SLEEP.

Is this going to be my life forever? No. He will grow up and learn, but right now, for the next 3 years I think I am going to be at my wit’s end, or at least at different ends as he ages (soon it’ll be talking about sex and drugs.)

Partly due to me losing it is because….

…NOW I AM ALONE AT HOME TAKING CARE OF HIM 24/7

I am off contract. He is at home with me FULL TIME. I take care of him, literally 24/7.

It is driving me up the wall.

My partner is sick, so he is quarantining himself in a room and refusing to see a doctor and it has been OVER A WEEK he has been sick.

Yet he is fine enough to go to work, although I will say to his credit he doesn’t go out and do stuff, he goes to work, comes home and crashes in the bed in the dark, listening to music and then falling asleep.

Meanwhile, I am alone with this squealing, almost-verbal toddler who doesn’t understand what life is about yet because HE IS ONLY 2 and I have zero support.

My family lives 8 hours away, his family lives 15 hours away by plane… and there is no one I can call on to come over and to hang out and give me some peace of mind.

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I FEEL SO ALONE IN THIS CITY

We are literally alone in this city, and I have zero friends here.

He has friends here, but we rarely see them because he’s a bit of an anti-social introvert. I am sure he meets up with them but it is always alone and never with us as a family, which bothers me greatly but I understand he needs alone time too.

I just wish he understood that I need alone time as well, and that I emotionally need a physical in-person social network, even if he doesn’t.

Sure, I have colleagues, I have work friends from previous projects, but I don’t have any FRIENDS. People I can call up and say:

I am about to lose it, can you come over and entertain The Bun while I pass out on the floor?

I have no one to call to just be with.

I also do not want to make friends with other Mommies in the building (I know one is a stay at home mother, and the other recently went back to work) just because we have kids around the same age.

I think there is one mother I can be friends with, but I don’t want to be pushy and I do not want to be THAT mother. That desperate one that tries to strike up a friendship just because we seem to be alike and we have kids of the same age.

I don’t want friends out of the sake of having friends, I want MY FRIENDS.

MY. PEOPLE. who understand me and get me.

Anyway.

So. Money?

Yeah, the market is tanking, the economy is down, I have more than 30 years of work left ahead of me and I will eventually retire in 20 years or earlier, I am not worried about that.. much.

I am still grateful and happy that I am able to have such problems and to not have to worry about working for the next 5 years if I wanted, but right now, I don’t care.

Money doesn’t solve everything.

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Sherry of Save. Spend. Splurge.

I got out of $60,000 of debt in 18 months using TheBudgetingTool.com. Since then, I have worked 50% of my career (taking 1-2 year breaks), and quadrupled my income within 2 years of graduating, going from $65K to $260K (savings rate = 85%). I could retire today if I wanted, but love my work-life balance as a freelancing consultant in STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Math). I also post daily on Instagram @saverspender.

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Posted on August 19, 2019

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22 Comments

  1. Julie

    awwww, I totally hear you! It’s not easy taking care of a toddler 24/7.
    Wasn’t he going to daycare before? As moms, we need those few hours (or minutes) to keep our sanity!

    I can be your friend lol.,, come by to Toronto and we can have play dates 😀

    Reply
    1. save. spend. splurge.

      Yes he was but now that I am not working, I am watching him 24/7. Literally.

      🙁 I wish you lived in Montreal then! Haha.. If I were in Toronto, it’d be so much easier.

      Reply
  2. Vivien

    – play groups at community centres
    – parent n tot yoga
    – parent and tot music groups.
    – parent and tot swimming lessons?
    – montessori preschool
    – visit mom (then leave bun w/ parents and go for spa treatment)
    – call mom

    Hang in there!

    Reply
    1. save. spend. splurge.

      Thank you so much for the tips. I am looking into meetups and going to the public library this week to see what else we can do indoors with this nasty weather.

      Reply
  3. yettie

    I feel you and just want you to know you’re not alone. Everyone goes through this stage with kids. I second all the suggestions for part time help but I also know that’s easier said than done as my twins are 5 years old and I still haven’t actually tried to get a family babysitter.

    Some practical tips I can give you for some more me time
    1) Join a gym or rec center that offers childcare for a couple of hours
    2) Check out the kids and company in Montreal. They offer a backup care service (at least in AB) where you pay an amount for 10 random days of childcare throughout the year. I recommend them because they’re a corporate daycare, most of their centers are accredited and you’ll be assured of a higher standard of care. It says it’s a corporate program but they can be quite flexible if you talk to them in person (https://kidsandcompany.com/ca/content.php?a=17&cmd=resetall)
    3) Check if your local community/neighbourhood center has a playschool and if baby bun meets the age requirements

    I have twins and I know that the 24/7 life around the kids can drive a person bonkers. Those are just some things that did give me some respite

    Reply
    1. save. spend. splurge.

      That’s more my issue, I am trying to see if I can get a babysitter but Baby Bun is very shy and he either only loves being at the daycare or with me. To leave him, screaming and crying with an inexperienced teenager is not going to be a good recipe. He needs to be a bit older, methinks.

      A rec center! I never thought about that. We don’t have one near us, will need to search this out.

      Kids & Company eh? 10 days of random childcare would be ideal. I’m even considering one day a week maybe.

      Playschool? I will have to figure out what this is in French. Thank you.

      Twins. I feel for you. Double trouble.. but they can entertain each other too?

      Reply
  4. Kailash

    I hear you! And I understand… But I have to say that I made “friends” with some mothers when I had only one child – in the playgrounds near our house, and some other child friendly places. Those are the ladies that were nice, of course, but we didn’t have much in common except at least one thing – a toddler. When our children didn’t want to play anymore together or they grew up, our relationship was more or less over. And I’m really fine with that. But it helped very much when children would play together. Of course it was far from “time for myself” but at least it was not me and her in one-to-one 24/7. Sad but true is that some of my friends (2 of them – to be precise) who loved to spend time with me, started to minimize time spending with me because many times I could not come alone but with a child. Sadly that relationship still didn’t recover.
    Hopefully your partner will be better soon – I made clear that I really needed some air by myself regularly to keep my insanity and he always respects that.

    Reply
    1. save. spend. splurge.

      I just feel terribly ungrateful because he is sick. it isn’t like he isn’t sick. He isn’t doing it on purpose, but it is putting a lot of strain on me, yet it is also hard on him because HE IS SICK.. you know?

      I need a third person.

      Reply
      1. Kailash

        Mine just got sick today 🙁
        But also my 3 yo got sick – so me and my big girl are (still) healthy but it is a lot of strain :-(((.
        Just a few days and everything will look better, let’s hope!

        Reply
        1. save. spend. splurge.

          Oh goodness.. They are so irritable and cranky when they’re sick, and it is worse when you ALSO get sick and have to still be the adult.

          Reply
  5. Anne

    I’m not sure what you’ve written about the place you live in at the moment, but do you have room for a jeune fille au pair? An au pair is not a quick fix to your situation, but could make things easier in the long run. An au pair will be like an extra family member after a while and is more flexible than a babysitter. I and both of my sisters have been au pairs for a year after high school and we all still keep contact with our “families”. It was a great way of learning a language and have experience of foreign culture. Two of my colleagues have au pairs at the moment, one of them lives in a house, the other one in an apartment. Their children love having someone they know well taking care of them and my colleagues have freshened their language skills (both of them have partners who have another native language). It really is a win-win deal. Bon courage, I hope you’ll soon find a solution to your problem.

    Reply
    1. save. spend. splurge.

      I do not have room for an au pair.. but you did remind me of someone (a girl) in the building who would be interested in babysitting. Maybe once Baby Bun is a little more verbal, she can come over and help.

      Maybe it would be something to look at, hiring a baby sitter once in a while. Never thought about that.

      Reply
  6. Me

    A few things:

    1. Making friends with people because you have kids is a very very normal thing to do. Sure, you might not be friends if you met at some other point in your life but now you have something in common – kids. And that’s an okay thing to bond over – even if it’s just having someone to talk to about the daily frustrations with kids. So, you wouldn’t be THAT mom – you would just be A mom, someone who is looking for companionship. That’s okay. That’s very normal behaviour and can help with some of the frustration of being one-on-one with someone else. Even if you just go for coffee and a walk (with strollers) with someone who is an adult that can be a huge relief.

    2. There is something so amazing about having your people around – the “I don’t have to explain myself, please come over and let’s just hang’ people. But, you don’t live near those people anymore – so maybe you need to find new ones. They wouldn’t replace your old friends, but maybe they will fill a different role in your life. The longer you put off making new friends in the place you are now, the longer you will feel lonely.

    3. Money helps with sanity. When I was home with two kids under two it was freaking exhausting. So sometimes I would drop them off at a home daycare for half a day. Enough time to not have to do a whole meal cycle, and a place that they could play. I would go do errands, or more likely just go walk around Winners. Didn’t buy anything – just needed the time for my mind to not worry about anyone else except myself. Hey – do I want a coffee? I WILL GET ONE AND DRINK IT AND IT WILL BE WARM. This is the most glorious kind of luxury.

    I hope things get better for you. You don’t seem like someone who sits back and just lets life happen to her, so I am sure you’ll have brainstormed like 20 different things that will help by tomorrow. Good luck.

    Reply
    1. save. spend. splurge.

      1. Excellent point. Just venting would help, and bonding on common toddler problems.

      2. True.. I do need to make new friends. I make friends easily, that’s not really the problem, but I just feel so tired trying to make friends and to make relationships work when they already have their own support network and don’t necessarily need / want me to call.. especially with a clingy toddler on my leg.

      3. Hmm. Home daycare. Half a day. I am considering this as a weekly thing. If I can find a daycare like this, or maybe ask the daycare I am at right now if they’ll do one-off days once in a while…

      Yes, the luxury of a hot drink.. I have a pretty good toddler in the sense that he knows I drink tea and he respects that by sitting on my lap quietly, cuddling while I drink said tea… so it isn’t so bad. I get to smell his head and neck.

      Then all hell breaks loose after the tea is done if I want to get anything else done. LOL

      I guess I am just ranting. It is nice to hear that I am not alone in this… I should make more of an effort to bond with that other mother.

      Reply
  7. Ramona

    Sorry to hear about it, it’s normal for a stressed out mother.

    I was pretty angry myself weeks ago.

    My daughter just turned 2 as well and she’s a bomb. And my nerves are not as good as they should be.

    And she has tantrums.

    A big one made me realize that, the more frustrated I get, the more angry she gets.

    Putting her to bed at night was an ordeal as well, she’d fuss and I’d lose it.

    I don’t yell at her, but I do raise my tone and obviously get annoyed. She picks up on it and throws an even bigger tantrum.

    Few weeks ago I realized, as I said, that my demeanor is making her even angrier, so I tried to stay calm.

    Being calm during a tantrum is not an easy task, but I know she has some underlying issues (tired, hungry, scared) and she doesn’t do it just to make me go bonkers. I just stayed calm, comforted her, was nice (even if I wanted to yell so much) etc.

    Weird enough she calmed down very quickly and it’s been the LAST of her tantrums (big one, rolling on the floor, this type).

    Now, she does get frustrated every day, it’s normal for her age, but I am not getting angry anymore. I talk to her, tell her stories, try to deflect her anger.

    It’s been WAY better.

    As for the partner … it’s not easy on any of us, but they do need to start doing some damn work around the house. My husband was raises as a nancy by his mother and I have to literally tell him what to do. But I do. They need to pick up some slack.

    See what you can delegate (housework especially).

    And get rested.

    I do work at night, after my daughter is asleep, and it’s very hard, after an entire day of running after her, taking care etc., but I do try to get some decent rest as well.

    And yes, she’s also wakes at night for her milk. Fortunately she falls asleep ASAP and so do I.

    Hang in there, it will get better 🙂

    Reply
    1. save. spend. splurge.

      Thank you. I will have to try and keep in mind to stay calm.

      I am very impulsive, that is a good and bad thing. I get things done quickly, I work fast, I think fast, I move fast… but sometimes my temper gets the best of me.

      Calm. Need to stay calm.

      As for my partner, he is sick, so I feel bad saying he isn’t helping but… my goodness I am losing it.

      Reply
  8. ArianaAuburn

    Have you tried searching through Meetup? You may find an activity you love and then meet new people with similar interests.

    Reply
    1. save. spend. splurge.

      I will try this! I am also thinking maybe I will sign up for a yoga class on the weekend near the afternoon & have my partner watch The Bun while I relax.

      Reply
  9. Melissa

    Another refreshingly honest post, thank you! Can you look into part time child care? That’s probably scary though when you don’t know anyone so you don’t know who you can trust your baby with. That’d give you time to go out and take a yoga class or anything and feel human again. Also make sure to reach out to your friends and family back home, Skype and text and call… Venting helps! They’re not too busy. Hope your partner feels better soon and you can get a break.

    Reply
    1. save. spend. splurge.

      Well they do come out once in a while 🙂

      It isn’t easy being a mother, I am learning that now, but it is a thousand times harder without friends & family around to lean on.

      That is a good point about yoga, I might do a yoga class every weekend just to have an appointment and to GET OUT and not feel resentful literally being on call 24/7.

      Reply
  10. raluca

    Yes, money really does not cure everything. But money buys you time, as you well know and for a Mommy, money can buy time without kids.
    Get a part time nanny is what I’m hinting at :P. Or even just pay for babysitting for a couple of times a week, it’s an investment in your well being and mental health.
    Or if that is not an option, well then, the old phrase “this too shall pass” is the only comforting thought I can offer.

    Reply
    1. save. spend. splurge.

      LOL! “hint hint” .. yes I may have to find a babysitter but the only snag in this is that Baby Bun is extremely, EXTREMELY attached to me. He is like a little duckling shadow.

      Wherever I go, he goes.. the bathroom, the bedroom.. he won’t leave me alone because he just wants to be with me all the time. It’s endearing and suffocating at the same time.

      Thank you. I am definitely keeping in mind that he will not want me forever, the way he does now. It is really sweet to just sit and cuddle with him and to know he just wants to be with me.

      Reply

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