Are men really more afraid of commitment?
I can’t figure it out.
This is a real-life situation and I know both of them individually. They’re now broken up, but I have heard both sides and I am sort of flabbergasted.
The guy is 43, the girl is 39. They were together for a year, and he broke it off because he cited different clashes in culture and so on.
WHAT THE GUY SAYS
Same stuff. You know. How she is so drop dead gorgeous, a curvy stacked woman EVERYONE lusts after (he strikes me as a chest guy because he seems to keep talking about how stacked women are), and he can’t get over how beautiful and great she is.
And yet.. they broke up.
In the ONE MONTH they have been apart since they have been apart after dating for OVER a year (it was getting serious), he has fooled around with 8 women, slept with 2, and is still hitting on me (indirectly).
I suspect a few things…
1. He wants to make the perfect choice.. sort of
He can’t just settle down and be done with a great woman who is amazing.
He needs to date, and see all the choices out there before committing to one person forever.
He even hits on other people while he is dating someone he is serious about. I mean.. it is a compulsion. I suspect he loves the chase more than anything and he loves turning a “No” into a “Yes”…
2. He is very focused on appearances
Okay, the woman is stacked, she’s got a banging’ bod, she’s a fitness model… WHO CARES?
Does she make you happy? Do you like talking to her?
Assume she’s no longer “hot”, will you still be with her and want to wake up talking to her every day?
His response to that is he doesn’t think anyone can be with ANYONE for over 30 years…. “no offense”, he said, as he side-eyed me. So he is assuming whoever he ends up with will not be the same person he is with after 30 years.
I cited his parents who have been together for well over 30, and my partner and I who are still going strong after 10.
3. He seems to just want to party
Wants kids, loves his family, but … just can’t commit to someone. He thinks children are just there, fun to play with and so on, but he doesn’t seem to see the DEEP commitment there is to children.
They are for life even if you don’t stay together. He doesn’t get that I think….
WHAT THE GIRL SAYS
She is heartbroken, he broke it off, she can SEE he just wants to party and NOT settle down and have a child with her, but she is getting older, and it is going to get harder as she ticks closer to 45 and may have to give up on having a child of her own (adoption is always an option).
She knows all of this, and YET THEY ARE STILL TEXTING EACH OTHER.
She texts him about how she is going about her day, how she’s at the pool in her bikini….
I mean, it’s just torturing yourself. It really is.
She needs to move on, and find someone who will appreciate her, and be a stable person to start a family with. She’s making life lists, re-evaluating her choices in life, and he is sleeping around with as many people as possible, focused on getting this other girl he is “really into and won’t let him kiss her”…
I just don’t get it. I really don’t.
The heart want what the heart wants, but at some point you have to say:
Look, I’m 39 and I want a child.
This could be a real possibility that it won’t happen for me if I keep wasting my time with this guy.
She refuses to look at, date or even consider any other guy at this point, and is still hung up on him.
Personally, I’d probably be on a dating site right now, looking for a guy to take my mind off this other one who is clearly NOT right for me.
Not serious, wants to keep partying, thinks kids are a casual thing…
I would just cut off all communication and stop texting him.
Delete his number, ignore him, and move on. Just rip it off like a bandaid.
What would you do?
16 Comments
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Escape to MI
I know a number of women who reached their late 30’s, wanted a child so got married to the wrong guys because the clock was ticking. They had their child, quickly followed by a divorce, even more quickly followed by alimony payments. They had prioritized career and never seemed to find the right one to settle down with. Most of those women found the right relationship in their 40’s but they’re still paying off the fathers of their kids (kids who are all mixed up and in constant therapy).
Moving on from a bad relationship always makes sense to me. Those party guys might be fine to play around with in our 20’s but they’re not worth wasting time on when we grow up.
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Anne
If she wants a child, she should concentrate on making that happen. Finding a partner can be left for later.
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Anne
Interesting thoughts about love vs sex and dating sites https://www.theguardian.com/culture/2012/may/18/alain-badiou-life-in-writing
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Anne
I have a couple of friends who became single mothers. It is not easy, but a lot easier than having to deal with a bad partner as well. One should never even consider having a child if one is not prepared to be a single parent. Anything can happen, even if one manages to find the perfect partner.
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Sense
OMG how are you in my life right now?!?
Agree on all counts–and I am in the throes of moving on, but it is hard. Personality and goal-wise, he’s the closest that I’ve come to in 15 years to being a match for me AND the only guy who has shown any interest in me whatsoever in about a decade. I make a point of going out to fun meet ups on my own (dating sites these days are legitimately horrendous) and to meet as many guys as possible with the energy/time I have left over after juggling my PhD and work and life. The guys I meet that are decent are a. VERY taken or b. not interested in me. I act like my fun, happy self, and when I like a guy, am not shy about showing interest. I take care of myself and have my $h!t together. Yet, I don’t get asked out. EVER. I play my part and ask guys out that I really like, but no dice. I am constantly asked why I am not taken, but yet no one seems to want to volunteer to do so! I have pressed my close friends for possible reasons and told them to be brutally honest so I can fix whatever it is (if it is something small and doesn’t require compromising the parts of myself that I love, of course!), but they come up dry, too. What is a girl to do?! I feel like I’ve done everything that I am willing to do, and so I have started making peace with being single for the rest of my life, and just continuing to concentrate on making myself and my loved ones happy and cared for, and to have a fulfilling career. Friends are the best!
I suspect the woman in the story is in much the same category as me. At 39, she probably doesn’t have many other options, she probably finds it very hard to let go, and he is probably stringing her along to keep her as a back up option. As they do.
This will be a topic for my therapy session tomorrow!
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Sherry of Save. Spend. Splurge.
No one asks me out either… isn’t that bizarre?? I think I have my #%*&# together, and it is a miracle I ended up with my partner, honestly. He is the only guy who has actually asked me out in person but not like: Would you like to go have dinner with me, but it just eased into a lunch / relationship…
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Becka
My question would be; if marriage and children is her priority, how did she reach the age of 39 without having achieved either? Was that a choice she made? To wait until later in her life to find that someone special? What is her background is this matter? Does she have a history of choosing men that are uncomfortable with commitment? Dispite the apparent anguish she is feeling right now over the breakup, she might have commitment issues herself.
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Sense
I have to chime in here–it happens very easily!
For me, it is a combination of things. a. I had a horrible breakup at 31, after moving to a new country with a guy I was with for ~3 years that I thought was going to end in marriage/kids. After he turned out to be an emotional abuser and cheater, I wasn’t healed enough and ready to date again until my mid-30’s.
b. I rarely get asked out, so my options are very limited. In the whole 10 years I have lived in New Zealand, only 2 guys have asked me out, and only 1 of them followed up after I said yes. (That one guy ended up not being a good match for me, but I gave it a really good try.) I do ask guys out too–gotta be fair–but have had no luck with the very few single guys I have met.
c. as you get older, the majority of guys you meet are already married or at least in a relationship. Of the remainder, after weeding out the single ones that you would just not be compatible with (considering goals, kindness levels, sense of humor, communication styles, attraction, etc, etc.), you can be left very much alone quite easily!While I want a partnership and companionship more than anything else and do my best to make it happen, my last relationship taught me that it is much better to be alone than in a bad relationship, so I have opted to make the best of it until I meet a guy who is as deserving of me as I am of him. 🙂
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Sherry of Save. Spend. Splurge.
I NEVER get asked out. It is a miracle I ended up with my partner.
Something about me… put guys off…
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Sherry of Save. Spend. Splurge.
I think she is a perfectionist who wants to make the perfect choice. She is also not from Canada, so she is unfamiliar with the dating scene here.
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I agree with you. She needs to completely cut him off and move on. We all have that one relationship that we learn from and go “why didn’t I do break up with him/her sooner?” I hope she learns something from this and thrives in her next relationship and in life. Maybe when the time comes, suggest the dating app, Bumble, to her where it’s up to the woman to make the first move. It’s how I met my now fiancé. I wasn’t looking for anything serious after ending an 8-year relationship with an egotistical, jobless man-child but ended up meeting my perfect match on that app.
As for your male friend, I can’t empathize with him at all.