Are single women too successful and intelligent to find love?

I’ve always been curious about why there are so many great, single women out there looking for love, but not being able to find it (or only finding duds!)

When I mention this, people tell me that it’s because they’re high-maintenance or too choosy, which is the reason why they basically choose to be single.

Others, cite that it’s because the women are too successful (career-wise and financially), too intelligent and therefore too intimidating to men in general.

What does high maintenance mean?

People to me, who are high maintenance, are some or all of the following:

  • always thinking of themselves (selfish)
  • always assuming they will get their way 100% of the time
  • not financially independent & secure to pay their way
  • expecting others to do everything for them & pay for everything to boot
  • always taking, never giving
  • spending money they don’t have or haven’t earned themselves
  • spending far, FAR beyond their or other people’s means

You will notice that I haven’t written: likes to shop and wear nice clothes.

If that were the case, I’m high maintenance!

Not all women who like to shop and wear nice things, are necessarily high maintenance.

If they have maxed out their retirement funds, saved a substantial amount of money, and continue to reach goals like saving a good portion of their income, then they should be able to reasonably enjoy their success, even if it seems frivolous to others.

These women have priorities, and they make choices about how they spend their cash.

What do men want?

Meg of World of Wealth had written a post entitled: I’m single, but I’m not picky or high maintenance.

…nearly half of all working wives bring home more bacon than their husbands, and that single women under 33 are out-earning their male counterparts.

These factors and others are affecting the courtship and marriage dance in complicated ways. The end result though is that more women are staying single and those who do marry are doing it later and later.

With both sexes earning plenty of money and remaining unattached – while crafting their own fun instant gratification lifestyles – well into their 20s and 30s, there is less pressure to wed all around.

I was struck by these two responses (presumably from men), which basically says that women do not receive a bonus or a premium on the dating market for being intelligent and successful.

They receive bonuses if they are young, fertile, beautiful and feminine:

Are women too intelligent and successful for men?

There is a grain of truth in what those guys are saying above: a smart, successful, attractive man is a great catch for a woman, but the reverse is not necessarily true if the woman outpaces the man in terms of earning power.

Men who are successful also want women who are successful because they don’t want to be worried about their wives not being able to hold their own in their social and professional circles.

Just because SOME men focus on ‘paying for youth and attractiveness’, it doesn’t mean that other men don’t value personality, intelligence and success.

One such couple, is the guy who’s a doctor and the girl who’s a dentist. In the past 5 years, she’s pulled in more money than he has, by a milestone (he’s still in residency).

Another couple, is a trader who married a woman who analyzes statistics. She makes more money than he does, and is in far more demand career-wise.

Besides, beauty fades, but personality and brains last forever.

I can’t imagine settling down for the rest of my life with someone who I liked to stare at and ogle, but was unable to hold a decent conversation with.

Why are women still single then?

Honestly, because some of them choose to be.

It may really be that those guys up there are making valid points for SOME women, but not for all.

If smart girls have dated guys and still haven’t really clicked or found anyone, then they’re choosing to stay single rather than be with someone they’re not 100% happy with, especially once you start working.

The pool definitely gets a lot smaller after college, and that is no joke.

Everyone has already been paired off like animals on Noah’s Ark by the time the last year rolls around, and within the next 5 years you hear a flurry of engagements, weddings, and even babies popping out in record time.

People you meet at work, are not necessarily people you can or would want to date. I was very lucky, but generally speaking, the prospects are not that hot.

I wouldn’t stop looking if I was single, and if it takes me until the age of 45 to find someone I could really share my life with, I’d rather wait until then and NOT settle.

What do you think?

 

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38 notes

  • Holy crap, that first anonymous letter sounds like a complete douche. I don’t know if he intended it to sound that way but women don’t present themselves as intelligent career women because they think men will like it. We don’t decide to be ditzes or intelligent based on what we think men will like. We don’t pursue careers because we are trying to catch a man. We don’t structure our lives around what will catch a man.

    That said, a man needs to feel like a capable man. Having a good career and being smart doesn’t preclude a woman from making her man feel like the man in a relationship. It’s not just about money, it’s also about letting him shine in the areas he kicks butt, man style.

    We are trying to meet a man that is a good fit for us, period. Fullstop.

    I know many intelligent career women who have great hubbys and happy marriages.

     
  • This is just a matter of statistics. Let’s assume men and women make the same amount for argument’s sake.

    LEt’s say there are 6 guys and 6 women in the world.

    1 of the guys/gals make over $100K

    4 of the guys/gals make $40-80K.

    1 of the guys/gals make over $30K

    The guy making $100K has no problem dating the gal making middle income or even under $30K as long as she is decent looking and decent personality. So he pairs up with her.
    The 4 guys making middle income have no problem dating the middle income gals either. What happens to single gal making over $100K?

    Well she refuses to dating guys below her. The only single guys in our example is the guy making under $30K a year. Thus, she has trouble finding guys.

    Expectations – Reality

     
  • Telling The Truth

    Well there are many of us good men that are hoping to meet a good woman to have a relationship with, and with so many women today that are looking for a Rich Man which makes them so very sad and pathetic since they just can’t accept us men for who we really are. It is bad enough that many women today are the Real Cause why the Divorce Rate is so very high nowadays since many of them do certainly Cheat much more than men do. So meeting a Real Decent Woman is very hard now for us men since many women really want to live the Rich Life Nowadays Anyway. I wish that we had a Real Time Machine to send these type of women back in time to see what it was really like when many men and women had to struggle to survive.

     
    • But to play devil’s advocate, if a woman who is making a good income of $60K – $100K a year wants a man who makes the same amount of money, is that a problem?

       
      • Telling The Truth

        Yes it is certainly a problem, that is why it is very hard for many of us men looking for a good woman to meet to settle down with. Are you a High Maintenance Woman?, and are you looking for a Rich Man? This is what i am exactly talking about, and many of us men just want to meet a good woman to Accept us for just who we are. High Maintenance Women are just looking to be spoiled which many of them just want a man to spend money on them all the time. And would you be able to Accept a man for who he really is instead? I am not here to argue back and fourth on this subject, and this is the real reason why us good men can’t meet a good woman anymore nowadays which this has a lot to do with it. Now just to make a point here, if you had been born many years ago you would had no other choice but to be raised the same way like the other women that had to Really Struggle to make ends meet. Especially that many women back then never knew the Meaning of what A High Maintenance Woman Was.

         
  • Absolutely

    there are just too many women nowadays that think that they are all that, especially the ones with the high paying jobs. and today most of them want a man with a very large bank account, very sad.

     
  • I found you from Single Mom, Rich Mom and I have to say that my experience on dating many of the losers you talked about in your post, along with a failed marriage; I’m just jaded by it all. Rather than waiting for a man to come around, I went and had children after my daughter on my own. This definitely limits my dating pool but I don’t care – the relationship I have with my kids, my frienships, my family and business partners have sustained me emotionally and I’m so much more secure in myself. If a man does come around then good for him, but I dont’ consider a marriage partner ideally fits my situation as it is. My earning power and the ability to make my own financial decisions has greatly increased my wealth and income. When I was partnered up, that typically declined.

     
    • Oh that’s a good point. Actually, it’s an interesting point that you made/kept MORE money than if you had a partner. I hear a lot of guys say or worry about the opposite — as in their partner having to be reined in for spending.

       
  • Hmm.. I think that would turn anyone off ;)

     
  • I agree with this. Women think by getting these super high careers, being so successful and then dating, that’s a big turnoff to men. I think what turns men off is that women’s competitiveness. Women’s competitiveness to men is like nails scratching down the chalkboard. Women being so successful totally hurts their chances in the dating world even with the super tall men so many women drool over. Just the other day I saw and overheard this lady talking to this super tall guy about what she does for a living as a doctor. Once she said she was a doctor the guy totally shut down and before you knew it she was shut down by him.

    Another thing I think single women these days need to pay particular attention to is the announcing that she can take care of herself (another big turnoff) for men. That (I can take care of myself) from women translates to men that she want’s to be a “man”. When men hear that it pretty much kills your chances and men are like.

    Comment from Bridget: ”
    I don’t feel the pressure to “find someone” — by 45 or any age.” Well you better feel some pressure cause as much as women these days want to be these bachelorettes and think it’s “cool” to stay single until like 45 is another turnoff for men. It’s just is what is is… Fact is fact Men can be bachelors a lot longer, most men get more attractive as they get older and the opposite for ladies. Men generally don’t want older women unless the guy is dead set on not wanting kids, other then that men will always marry younger, especially women that are younger than 35 so men can have TIME dating her, not hear that biological clock ticking and then when men marry ladies younger than 35 we have OPTIONS. If your a 45 year old lady you have no options for kids. For ladies at 45 your done, can’t obviously have kids, and your men selection is very very limited at that age!! Even if you did adopt kids at 45, you would be basically 63 by the time he or she just graduates high school, then another 4 to 6 years for college so that’s putting you at 67 or 68, then wait for him or her to get married and have grandchildren, you may be pushing 75 if you live that long lol!!              

     
    • All valid points — does that mean that women should then NOT become doctors and avoid success just to get a man?
      I wouldn’t agree with that.

       
      • No not necessarly, I think being successful and intelligent is sexy in women but I think more than anything what rubs men the wrong way and is a BIG TURNOFF for men with too intelligent women is their attitude. A lot of the too successful and intelligent women carry and have this I’m better than anyone else, the nose stuck up in the air, the I always got A’s in high school and still has that high school I’m “Ms. Perfect”. The nose stuck up 
        in the air, the I always got A’s in high school and still has that high school I’m “Ms. Perfect” attitude is an instant turnoff, instant deal breaker for men and a total killer for women’s chances with men.   

        But what is totally sexy for men is women with successful and intelligent careers and women are like egh I have this career but they aren’t all stuck up about their careers, they are more laid back about their jobs, like yeah I have this job, they are like whatever, like the job is obviously cool but they don’t make any big deal about their job and don’t shove it in men’s faces.     
         
         

         
        • I see. So the doctor was acting superior which turned him off?

           
          • ptcyankee

            @Mochi & Macarons:
            I think the problem is that a lot of men are insecure and easily intimidated by successful women. Is she supposed to act like it’s no big deal and play down her career because of his insecurities? You don’t hear guys playing down their successes. There’s always been a double-standard and times have changed. I”ve found that men younger than myself are more accepting and less old-fashioned.

             
        • Antoinette Hughes

          No, it’s because men have high egos and are jealous. SHUT UP!W omen wouldn’t have to work if men would just marry us. So men have only themselves to blame for women taking over their jobs. :P

           
  • No one wants to be used for their money, no matter how much they have of it. That was crass of her!!!

     
  • Divorced
    at 45 and I will NEVER do the marriage thing again.  It took me a couple of
    years to become OK with living alone, but now I wouldn’t trade my freedom for
    anyone.  Dating means that you have to deal with the baggage of others and, on that score, I’ve become intolerant.  I’m a healthy, well educated, 47 year old, single
    male with a 200K yearly salary, my own home, lots of assets and I plan to stay
    single for life.

    When you’re completely independent, outside
    of work, you can do what you want, when you want, and no one has any say in the
    matter.  It’s complete freedom.  It’s like being twelve again, only with a lot of money.

     
    • Those are good points. For me, I think I’d like to have a partner to go through life with :)
      I can see your perspective for sure. I definitely envy that some days.

       
  • Unfortunately this is the SAME refrain I hear from my awesome single girlfriends.
    We have concluded that the pool gets smaller before, during and after college. People get with their sweethearts, marry, start careers and are off the market.
    That said, there are departments RIFE with single guys. You just need to find them at your company or your friends’ companies….
    Thanks for coming from Uproar!!!

     
  • I am posting less and being low key :p

    Or at least trying to. 6X a week was too much.

    I am also trying to just do twice a month as a maximum and take back my life.
    The other blogs were taking up a LOT of time and was at the point that they needed to be managed full time but it was never meant to be a career, just a hobby. :)

     
    • Posting less? You have posted quite a bit lately ;)

      That’s why I’m sticking with wordpress and a not so interesting name so that it really does stay just a hobby.

       
      • Well I’ve been on a roll. You can take blogs away from a girl but not the girl from the blogging world :p
        I just want the option I not be pressured to post so often, that’s all. I felt really under the gun at the other two sites.
        It was all mental, I’m sure.

         
    • Anonymous

      @Mochi & Macarons: It is always wonderful to share a life with the person that you would be very compatible with, and being alone all the time and having no one can be very depressing. the great majority of us good men that are looking for a good woman, would seriously want that i am sure.

       
  • guest

    My bf hates stupid women and he works in IT. He makes great money and saves most of it, I’m getting my degree right now but I plan on earning a high income too. IMO you need someone who is on your level. I can’t stand stupid guys either. 

     
  • I love being single and I have a feeling I will spend a good portion of my 20s single since I didn’t meet someone I wanted to marry in college. Guys…mature at a different rate and I’m finding that if I want to date someone seriously, I really need to look for guys who are a lot older. But, like Bridget, I’m patient. I can support myself quite nicely and I’m happy by myself. I have a great social life. I really don’t need a man around, though sometimes I wish there was someone to wake up next to :)

     
  • I don’t feel the pressure to “find someone” — by 45 or any age. I like being single, and frankly, I’m cool if my whole life is like this. I like being in a relationship, but I like being alone equally well. People need to get over their obsession with relationships. Most relationships don’t end in marriage, and even  then most marriages end in divorce, so you just end up single anyway! I know when someone’s in love they think they’re the exception to the rule, but realistically that relationship is probably going to end (and there’s nothing wrong with that). 

     
 

 

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